Ok. Here goes. I graduated with a BSN about 2 years ago. My previous job was in a VERY male combat role in the military. I went into nursing because i needed a career that was stable and rewarding. I have always been a nurturer. I know that is hard to believe because of my military background. But it is true. I think i actually learned this in the military. We truly were a "band of Brothers." Anyway, I really enjoyed nursing school.. It was tough but I made it through. All of the female students really enjoyed each other. Me included. ANyway, about midway through my second clinical semester I was doing pediatrics. I had this clinical instructor who I had taken the previous semester and who I thought was a great instructor. So i decided to take another clinical with her. You remember the drill right? You go to the unit the night before you get patients assigned and read everything about the patient and then go prepare with your big 50 pound text books and medical dictionarys and other books. Well, I walked into this poor little guysroom and he had 5 IV's running. He had a feeding tube. He was in a body cast. I thought to myself, "OK..you can do this....you will have a nurse with you...just ask for help....go home tonight and hit the books and you can get through this." Well, that was my first mistake. THe next day came and i went in there and did my best. No worse than any of the other students....my meds were checked by the nurse and given by the nurse...all correct. I managed to change in and out of the paper sterile gowns every time i went into the room. One other student got pooped on by her student and the clinical instructor went totally berserk...."Oh MYGAWD, YOU ARE GOING TO CONTAMINATE THE ENTIRE FLOOR." anyway, she made us all nervous....But i made ith through the 2 days. I thought pheww........I made it...Next week comes and I get the weekly progress report..I failed the first week.... I went too her and tried to get her to explain..I was not confrontational. I just simply asked her if she took into account that i had an extremely complex kid. I explained that I had an extemely difficult patient. she was totally unreceptive and said that I made several critical errors....She was never around. I could never find her. SHe was gone.....always with one student who was having trouble. ANyway, I asked the nurse that was assigned the the patient. SHe said that she didnt see me do anything right and what she did see she thought was great. I began to wonder if somthing deeper was going on between my instructor and I. The next week came and again, she maybe watched me prepare one med. give a bath...she wrote me up again. this went on for 5 weeks. finally, she called me into her office. SHe sais, " You have 4 more weeks. I dont think you are going to make it." You need to withdraw from the course." I went home and told my wife. I cried...I was so pissed. ANyway, I retook the course and passed w a A with another female instructor. But those words. "I dont think you are going to make it." have stuck in my head." I worked 3 jobs and one of those jobs I was fired from....THe reason is the NM said that I was "not learning fast enough" She did give me a good reccommendation and told me that I had potential to be a good nurse. Ive been at my current job for three years. THey love me there. It doesnt pay well. I really need to move on but im affraid. WHat if I get fired again? Ive gone back and thought about these terrible experiences to see if I could have done anything different. Here is what I came up with. 1. that first day when i had that little guy with all those complex issues I should have demanded an easier patient. The semester before I was in Med Surg for god sake. I could barely take a bp. I should ahve asked. 2. Before taking the job i was fired from i should have went to see the place. I moved to another city and I was hired over the phone before i even got there. When I got there I drove to the hospital and it took up about 20 city blocks...IT WAS HUGE....No parking, driving through traffic snarles,,,getting there was a nightmare. IT WAS BUSY..I mean the nurese never smiled. they always were pissed and backstabbing. The docs were always pissed at the nurses. the nurses were pissed at the nurse techs. and the nurse techs were pissed at everyone else. It was a total nightmare. I should have just said, "Im sorry but i dont think i fit in here." But again, I told myself that i could make it here. But on a deper level I was like, "whoa this place really sucks." But i wanted that big 5000 bonus. so i lasted 4 months. ANyway, I thought after that experience that I would et as far away from hospitals as i could. I landed a pretty nice low stress community health job. But I feel bad because I need more money but i dont think i can handle the pressure of a hospital. Im thinking abbout home health. But again, Ive lost my confidence. Mybe Ill just stay here where it is safe. Or should I move on. I feel like part of my problem is that I am male and my attitude comes off as somehow, "cocky". Ive really been trying to evaluate myself. I know Ive had the training. I know I have the credentials. I think I may be too male to alot of these women. Can anyone help give me some advice to toning myself down?
No confidence left.
No confidence left.