I am a gay male nurse who works at a small town cimmunity hosiptal...I am thinking about coming out at work because the females keep hitting on me e.g pinchinh my bvehind etc etc and ideas are appreciated
If you want to come out come out. Personally, I can understand your situation with the females even though I'm not gay. I worked at a place where I was the only male and the women were all twice my age and none of them were attractive (though that's not the point). I'm married but it didn't stop them from talking about me right in front of me and or hitting on my and stuff like that.
It was VERY uncomfortable.
In fact, it went so far as one of them talking about her sex life in front of me and me telling her I didn't care to hear about it, at which point she proceeded to offer me oral sex. I said, I'm married. She said, so.
I immediately told the supervisor. She was suspended for one week and back at it again the next week. Needless to say I didn't work there very long. But this wasn't harmless flirting. This was out and out sexual harrassment by multiple employees. It was flattering at first, but got old really quickly. The employees there were ignorant in my opinion, and it's scary that they even have a job at all, let alone the ones they had taking care of sick people.
Why not just say, "I'd appreciate it if you NOT do that anymore." If it doesn't stop, tell the supervisor you are uncomfortable with it."
Of course, if you do this it might create some ill will and then when they do find out you are gay, they'll treat you poorly.
They are going to find out eventually though, I would assume.
I guess the question is are you comfortable with telling them? I'm sure it's a very difficult thing to do, depending on the people around you and how tolerant/open minded they might be.
I live in the bible belt and have worked with a couple of gay nurses and nurse aides and they were well received for the most part by everyone.
My take is that personally I don't agree with the choice (if it really is a choice), but if it doesn't really matter as long as it has no affect on your job and it shouldn't, and though I think it's wrong, I don't know anyone who doesn't do things wrong. I am certainly not above reproach in that category either. I'm sure I do a great deal of things that many would consider wrong. We all have our own views of the world and what is and what should be. That doesn't necessarily make our views right and other's wrong.
That's why I wouldn't treat you any different from anyone else. People who are intolerant of differences based on sex/race/religion, etc. are ignorant and insecure. You can include sexuality in there but many might disagree because many believe it is a choice. I lean that way but it is for sure that no straight man knows the truth so what can one really say? Kinda like abortion. I'm generally against it except in certain cases however I am not a woman and have no idea what it would be like to have a child growing inside me therefore I don't choose to attempt to impose my views as the right view on others.
Man I'm sorry, I know you didn't want to hear all this nonsense. You just wanted advice on your question. You probably get tired of this same old stuff coming up. Anyway, good luck with your delemna and I hope it works out for the best.
Keep us updated on how it turns out.
Hi ,
There isn't any reason that you shouldn't come out at work, but I would advise you to think hard about how you do so. At any rate, I would suggest that you go about business as usual and when the opportunity arises, speak to each individual that you ordinarily work with and mention the subject. I believe this approach keeps sexuality in the right perspective. Making announcements in groups of people will likely generate huge amounts of tabloid style gossip and make it harder for you. No doubt the news will travel fast anyway. Keep in mind that it is not you doing the changing but others' perrceptions of you. My guess is that it could be uncomfortable on both sides for awhile but keep your chin up and try to remain the usual you. BTW, are you out everywhere else just not at work? If so, your news might not be news at all. Good luck.
R
I too am a gay male nurse. I am not real flamboyant, but it doesn't take most people long to figure out my story either. I am not a person to air the dirty laundry at work. I don't care to hear about nor do I want to know if my co-workers are gay, straight, lesbian, etc. Nor do I feel it is important for them to have to have a confirmation from me that I am gay or straight. Who they crawl between the sheets with at home is their business and who I choose to go to bed with at home is mine.
If the girls at work are hitting on you and you do not appreciate it and these advances, comments and pinching is unwanted or unsolicited you need to just simply tell them. Once you tell them if this type of inappropriate behavior continues then you need to report this conduct to your HR representative to investigate and deal with. Believe you me...women are more like than men to yell Sexual Harassment and at a drop of a dime. I bet if a man were to pin one of these offending women to the wall in the med-room and feel her up she would be yelling Sexual Harassment as fast as she could twist her backside to the HR department. Pinching and patting someone (male or female) is inappropriate touching and these women need to be disciplined for their behavior if it continues and you have asked them to stop....it is certainly not a reason to air your sexual preferences at work. That's your personal business and that in my opinion should remain personal and private.
Thanks
nurse47557 wrote:I am a gay male nurse who works at a small town cimmunity hosiptal...I am thinking about coming out at work because the females keep hitting on me e.g pinchinh my bvehind etc etc and ideas are appreciated
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment regardless of who is doing it. In the workplace it should not be tolerated. Your rights are being violated. I would pull these individuals to the side and if they continue go up your chain of command. If this does not stop the harassment I would consider the legal implications involved here.
As far as your sexual orientation that is your business and not anyone else. If you think "coming out of the closet" will end this harassment you might find yourself in a bad situation. I have known some females that were so self absorbed and conceded that they truly believed they could turn any gay male straight. Instead of having the harassment stop you might have it explode. I am not trying to put down anyone that lives in a small town but you have to be careful about small town attitudes, which can exist anywhere.
They might use your sexual preference against you, which is just as bad as the sexual harassment you have been enduring.
My heart goes out to you mate. I have never used sexual preference as a way to define my friendships. I have seen what some of my friends have gone through throughout the years. I know you are under a lot of stress. I bet it ranks right up there with my upcoming move to Australia. Keep us posted ;)
Maybe I am missing the point, but who cares if your gay? Some on this forum have said the correct answer but I guess the answer needs to be more specific. YOUR SEXUALITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR JOB AS A NURSE! Why would you even talk about it with anyone at work? If you have time to talk about your sexuality then you are neglecting some poor patient somewhere in the hospital. GET TO WORK AND QUIT WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF! Go to work and be nice to people the best you can and then go home to the lifestyle of your choice. If you are being sexually harassed then take it to your supervisor and to his/her supervisor and so on, if nothing is done to fix the problem. Have your partner stop by work someday and give him/her a huge, giant kiss right on the lips. I'm sure no words will need spoken after that. Many may look at you in a different light after that but then you should expect that since you are engaging in a behavior that is not normal in many peoples eyes. REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE A NURSE AND THEN YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF. Take care!!
berean532000 wrote:Maybe I am missing the point, but who cares if your gay? Some on this forum have said the correct answer but I guess the answer needs to be more specific. YOUR SEXUALITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR JOB AS A NURSE! Why would you even talk about it with anyone at work? If you have time to talk about your sexuality then you are neglecting some poor patient somewhere in the hospital. GET TO WORK AND QUIT WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF! Go to work and be nice to people the best you can and then go home to the lifestyle of your choice. If you are being sexually harassed then take it to your supervisor and to his/her supervisor and so on, if nothing is done to fix the problem. Have your partner stop by work someday and give him/her a huge, giant kiss right on the lips. I'm sure no words will need spoken after that. Many may look at you in a different light after that but then you should expect that since you are engaging in a behavior that is not normal in many peoples eyes. REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE A NURSE AND THEN YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF. Take care!!
IMHO, it would be very inappropriate for his partner to give him a giant kiss right on the lips at the workplace.
Yes, maybe you are missing the point by the OP. The point, as I understand, was if nurse47557 should make it known at his workplace he is a homosexual in order to stop the sexual harassment by his female nursing peers. I see nothing wrong with him gathering input from us to help him make his decision.
However, my suggestion would be for him to talk to his supervisor before making some announcement over the PA system about his sexual orientation. I do agree with you that a good nurse is a good nurse, no matter race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Yet, ignorant folks can breed contempt. Therefore, this is a very important decision since once the closet is open... no going back to shut the door.
MagRedC5 wrote:IMHO, it would be very inappropriate for his partner to give him a giant kiss right on the lips at the workplace.
I disagree. I do not think it would be inappropriate for your spouse to come to work and eat lunch or something and then give you a big kiss. What's wrong with that? Of course you would probably want to think a bit before you did this, but most logical people wouldn't do this in front of a patient.
I ask you, what purpose does yelling to the world I am gay serve???? Nothing!! I'm not sure about you but I go to work to work. I could care less what others think of me personally as long as at the end of the day they respect me for my work I've done that day. I figure if I have time to yell to the world that I'm a heterosexual then I have some major time management problems. You'all need to find some work to do and stop complaining like a little girl.
Whether a person is gay has nothing to do with sexual harrassment. Telling someone your gay might temporarily patch the wheel but the tire will still go flat. The offenders might leave this individual alone because he yells he's gay but the offenders will not stop there behavior. It is wrong!! It needs to be dealt with immediately.
I suppose the thread starter can tell everyone at work that he's gay if he thinks that is the best thing to do but I don't think his motivation for doing this should be to stop the sexual harassment. NOW GET TO WORK AND TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOUR PATIENTS!! ;)
MagRedC5 wrote:IMHO, it would be very inappropriate for his partner to give him a giant kiss right on the lips at the workplace.
Yes, maybe you are missing the point by the OP. The point, as I understand, was if nurse47557 should make it known at his workplace he is a homosexual in order to stop the sexual harassment by his female nursing peers. I see nothing wrong with him gathering input from us to help him make his decision.
However, my suggestion would be for him to talk to his supervisor before making some announcement over the PA system about his sexual orientation. I do agree with you that a good nurse is a good nurse, no matter race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Yet, ignorant folks can breed contempt. Therefore, this is a very important decision since once the closet is open... no going back to shut the door.
Why would you make an opening statement like that? "It would be very inappropriate for his partner to give him a giant kiss right on the lips at the work place".
It is obvious that you have the homophobic "Don't Ask Don't Tell" mentality of the Army branded in your skull...however the rest of us civilians (and we out number you) don't play by the rules of your little club.
Sorry, but I feel that was a very inappropriate remark on your behalf and off subject. The subject was about coming out if he should come out to his coworkers to avoid sexual harassment...not gay or straight sex or public signs of affection. And just tell us GI Joe, what would make his boyfriend kissing him at work anymore inappropriate than your wife kissing you at work? I have worked many places and have seen many people kiss at work before. I don't think there are any laws against who can kiss who...and I bet top dollar your wife has laid one on you in public or at work before. Your remark was way off base, uncalled for and had no place here.
Sorry for the flame folks. He hit a nerve. The Male Nurse Forum is not about judging people, it is about helping people. Further as a former HR Representative for a large corporation I stand my original posting and advise.
naskippy wrote:Why would you make an opening statement like that? "It would be very inappropriate for his partner to give him a giant kiss right on the lips at the work place".
It is obvious that you have the homophobic "Don't Ask Don't Tell" mentality of the Army branded in your skull...however the rest of us civilians (and we out number you) don't play by the rules of your little club.
Sorry, but I feel that was a very inappropriate remark on your behalf and off subject. The subject was about coming out if he should come out to his coworkers to avoid sexual harassment...not gay or straight sex or public signs of affection. And just tell us GI Joe, what would make his boyfriend kissing him at work anymore inappropriate than your wife kissing you at work? I have worked many places and have seen many people kiss at work before. I don't think there are any laws against who can kiss who...and I bet top dollar your wife has laid one on you in public or at work before. Your remark was way off base, uncalled for and had no place here.
Sorry for the flame folks. He hit a nerve. The Male Nurse Forum is not about judging people, it is about helping people. Further as a former HR Representative for a large corporation I stand my original posting and advise.
Dear Skippy,
It seems that the original statement featuring in essence the phrase " lay a big wet kiss on his partner's lips" has generated quite a firestorm hasn't it? Interestingly, I believe it has very little to do with the posting which opened this thread, but that's neither here nor there. I would ask if from your HR perspective, ANY provocative PDA would be tolerated in the workplace? I'm not talking about a discrete kiss goodbye, I'm referring to the big, wet kiss in open view. My statement as I feel most shared here on this particular subject has nothing to do with the sex(s) of the participants but rather the behavior itself. Furthermore, if this were the workplace, wouldn't harassment such as that which you are directing toward a member of the military also according to HR policy, be grounds for reprimand or termination?
Just a few thoughts,
R
Thank you for your post, Ricu. I do appreciate the redirection toward the OP's original question. Thanks for understanding.....:D
'Cat'
cougarnurse wrote:Thank you for your post, Ricu. I do appreciate the redirection toward the OP's original question. Thanks for understanding.....:D
'Cat'
Hi Cat,
You do a great job of morale boosting. Thanks
Cheers,
R
I have mixed feelings about this one. I myself am gay and have a partner. However I also have a very strong work ethic and try to seperate my job from my home life as much as possible. Furthermore, some types of friendly comedic flirting cant hurt anyone if its all in jest imo. The hospital can be a really sad place sometimes, so little things like a wink or such is a nice way to lighten a mood and usually are innocent. Hell I make hot coacoa for the ladies in my place when they look down to cheer em up.
I can see where you would feel uncomfortable at work being hit on all the time by women or men for that matter. That really has no place regardless of your sexual orientation. Granted "coming out" might sound like a good idea, but I have found that in the past it has done more harm then good. =/ That drives some women to try and "fix" you or their attitudes might change from flirty to vengeful or worse, they will go biblical on you. I had one lady try to "save me" because baby jesus doesnt like homosexuals. Thats another topic though hehe. I have seen some crazy things going on with women when i tell them im gay so thats just something you might want to consider.
IMO its no ones business really who youre kissing at night. I would simply tell them that youre not interested and dont appreciate the sexual inuendos/contact/whatever.
All that aside, if you still believe its the best thing to do, get your BF/partner to bring you lunch or something on your break. You can even get a goodbye kiss in the req room or some such if you really wanna lay it on. A few days of that in a row will give them the hint they need and yet save you from having to publically throw a pride parade through the ER. Hell even a simple "Love you hun, See you tonight" will do :P
Either way just wiegh your options and determine if its best for to do all this. Personally i prefer the direct approach. "I really dont appreciate you smacking my deliciously firm ass, so please refrain from it :P" (ok so im a bit of a flirt, so sue me) If you have a good connection with your co workers and know thier limits and yours go ahead and set some boundries. Personally I wouldnt want my ass smacked just based on work ethic and how improper it is, but if a nurse was helping me out or saying kind positive thing to me, theres no harm in that.
I tried to make sense, im working on four hours of sleep. o_O
This must be a really tough situation for you. I'm not gay, but I hate it when women come by and pinch my butt or are noticeably ogling me. We are at work this is supposed to be a professional environment.
OK this is OOT, but the army of homophobes comment stirred up a reply in me.
my background (army medic 20 yrs, EMS paramedic 5 yrs now, future RN student). being in medical field in the closed society that is the army i worked wth many many homosexuals male/female and i treated them no differently than any other soldier i worked wth or for.
When i was in iraq/saudi arabia for the frst persian gulf war i took a female medic wth me because she was my best medic, and wed be far from the PA/doctors/nurses and anyone else wth medical knowledge.
after a few weeks she came out to me. she asked if i would turn her in, i said no because 1. it was just us for those 125 accident prone goof ups we mothered and 2 she was a great medic and 3 whose gonna drive me around as my sense of direction sucks.
point being. the army is not a depository of knuckledragging homophobes.
although im sure they have their fair share.
do a great job, stop the harrasssment and drive on.
peace out,
