Being truthfull

I have been in recovery for 4 years and still find attending meetings the most stressful part of my life. My delima is being truthful about my past and relapsing. I try so hard to stay clean but over the past 4 years have found myself in situations that I did not have control over my addiction and relapsed. Whether it was taking a hydrocodone for a toothache and finding myself popping 4 or having access to demerol by a freak incident. With every incident, I was quick to get help "GOD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HELL I LIVED". My point is, I have relasped over the years and would like to be truthfull in my nurse group but fear the consequences. I work very hard to stay clean and want to continue to work as a nurse. I just have a hard time attending group being dishonest about my clean time but again...fear the consequences. HELP!!!

Being truthful will probably relieve the turmoil your feeling. There's a saying in AA that I heard a long time ago..."you're only as sick as your secrets". If you reach out to your group and be honest, you'll be approached by other people, just like you, who care, who have been there. So reach out and let others help you. Posting here is a good start but the power of your nurse peer support group, AA, whatever, can really help lift the icky feelings and help get you going in the right direction. Good luck to you. I know how hard it is; I've been there...I was going to meetings while using and not letting anyone know because I was so ashamed of myself. So just open yourself up for the help that's out there and you'll be okay :)

Get real my friend. One does not pop vicodan as an accident. Keep on pretending this thing called addiction does not exist. But what I really object to is addiction is acceptable but only if your name is
Paris.
Be aware my friend you are not in that special group, you will have to allways beg on your knees for sobriety. When you come out from prison they will not give you a million dollars for your story, remember you are a nurse.

But what really bothers me about this is the situation of healthcare in America. if we stand by seeing people dying at 90 years old connected to a ventilator and we all know this is wrong. but never thought we have no way out then we have to ask ourselves who are we? Use excuses like they may sue us but that really does not fit. Do the right thing, I think nobody has any idea what this is about.

Find yourself another group to be truthful in. Your nurses group is not the place. Believe me you will pay the consequences if you are.

bubbles2 wrote:Find yourself another group to be truthful in. Your nurses group is not the place. Believe me you will pay the consequences if you are.

It took me a few meetings to realize this, guess I'm slow and too trusting. Our nurse support group facilitator is hired by the diversion committee and does quarterly reports to them. Sad, isn't it?

Speaking for myself, I'm grateful that there is a diversion committee, and a program that I can be part of as a nurse to have the privelege of getting my license reinstated. I appreciate the weekly nurse groups and the quarterly reports that indicate my progress...I've got nothing to hide. If I'm dishonest about my recovery, the dishonesty becomes cyclic and the potential for repeated relapse is significant. Recovery has given me freedom from hiding and lying. And it's not just about me...if I'm a practicing nurse, under the influence of ETOH or drugs, I'm putting my patients at risk. So, that's just my two cents worth!

One of the great blessings of this whole ordeal, for me, has been my nurse support group. I have made great friends there who have been truly supportive and inspirational. Not sure what state you are in, but our nurse group facilitator tells everyone at their first meeting that they are required to report relapses. I am sure that this does prevent some people from truly opening up to their peer group.

bubbles2 wrote:Find yourself another group to be truthful in. Your nurses group is not the place. Believe me you will pay the consequences if you are.

What other group do you wish me to be in? How dare you tell me to mind a better group How dare you Do you really know the consequences, what are these what do you know about truthfullness?

morgandog wrote:What other group do you wish me to be in? How dare you tell me to mind a better group How dare you Do you really know the consequences, what are these what do you know about truthfullness?

I know that the nature of this disease means that there will be slips and relapses. For those who relapse, the consequences are inevitable. For those who slip, catch themselves and get back on the path, disclosure can result in the same penalties as those who relapse. The nurses support group is required and must be attended. There are other recovery groups, however. There's SMART. There's SOS, etc. In those other groups, where anonimity is practiced, full disclosure is appropiate.

If your nurse's group has ANY connection to the Board, don't share these events there...I would suggest your regular 12-step group. Take care.

keep relapsing, keep being dishonest and you're gonna go down faster than ever. You are privileged to be able to go to a nurses group, to be able to be in a BON program and to have a chance to get your license reinstated. Your dishonesty will keep eating away at you. Not telling your nurses group is putting yourself, nevermind the patients you may end up working with again, at tremendous risk. Think about the greater good and get real. What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid that you won't have the chance to keep using???? Maybe you don't want to be clean???

serenitytoday wrote:keep relapsing, keep being dishonest and you're gonna go down faster than ever. You are privileged to be able to go to a nurses group, to be able to be in a BON program and to have a chance to get your license reinstated. Your dishonesty will keep eating away at you. Not telling your nurses group is putting yourself, nevermind the patients you may end up working with again, at tremendous risk. Think about the greater good and get real. What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid that you won't have the chance to keep using???? Maybe you don't want to be clean???

I'm not sure who this was directed at, but perhaps the better term to use instead of dishonesty is being discreet. There are appropriate venues to share certain things and ones that being a little more mindful of who is there is in order. I have therapy, my sponsor and AA meetings, where anominity is practiced to be open and unguarded.

I guess if I were using and working as a nurse today, I'd be afraid (given my history of addiction) of making poor choices; afraid that I'd be under the influence during patient care, afraid of harming a patient and afraid of harming myself. I say this because I've been there and know the ravaging effects of my disease of addiction. Speaking from my past experiences, not being honest, or not disclosing information, has only fed my addiction and brought me down to an even deeper bottom. So I would say follow your heart - you know what the next right thing is to do. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

dlf2007 wrote:I guess if I were using and working as a nurse today, I'd be afraid (given my history of addiction) of making poor choices; afraid that I'd be under the influence during patient care, afraid of harming a patient and afraid of harming myself. I say this because I've been there and know the ravaging effects of my disease of addiction. Speaking from my past experiences, not being honest, or not disclosing information, has only fed my addiction and brought me down to an even deeper bottom. So I would say follow your heart - you know what the next right thing is to do. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

I have to agree. I understand what others here are saying about being discreet especially with regard to nurse support groups but the fact of the matter is that rationalization and being dishonest with ouselves and others is what keeps us using. If you are in Diversiuon/Probation and are contiuing to relapse you do need to get real. The most appropriate course would be to get back into treatment and report to your group that you are having difficulty staying sober and are taking the necessary steps to correct that situation. If it means you spend more time in Diversion/Probation or even that you have to lose your license for a while so be it! You have no business taking care of Pt's or working in the field if you can't stay sober.

Sooner or later you are going to test positive and when that happens you won't have a choice but to divulge everything. A friend from my nurse support group ended up being mandeted to a 1 year in-patient program. He did it and is now sober 3 years, in transition, working , married to a wonderful girl and has a new baby. LIfe really does change and get good when you finally get honest and become willing to "Do whatever it takes" to stay sober. Saving my license was secondary to getting sober. Maybe that's how you have to look at it.

hppy

bubbles2 wrote:I know that the nature of this disease means that there will be slips and relapses.

I beg to differ while relapse is a very real possibility for anyone in recovery it is not inevitable as your quote implies. I drank and used narcotics and benzo's for 20 years - I was one of the truely hopeless addicts one step away from death. I have not picked up or used anything stronger than Ibuprophen in almost 3 years and by the Grace of God and my program I hope I will never need to do so again.

When a person relapses over and over again there is deffinately something wrong with their program. Hydrocone for a toothache? Give me a break! My dentist knows I am an addict in recovery as do any treatment provider's I come in contact with even my pharmacist knows, It's the first thing I tell them. I have made it very clear that I should never be offered any narcotic unless we have throughly exhausted all other options. The fact of the matter is that short of surgery there's really no reason to take narcotics ever and then never for more than a week following. Relapses happen long before we pop a pill or take a drink. And how in heaven's name does one come in contact with narcotics by accident. It's not like they are just lying around. Fact of the matter is that if such an "accident" occurs you have put yourself in a situation where you knew you should not be. I was just at my father's bedside (END STAGE BONE CANCER) on the nightstand table were oxycontin, vicodin, morphine, ativan and xanax. Never once did the urge or temptation cross my mind. My sponsor and I talk daily. I practice my steps in all my daily affairs. My husband has a bottle of whiskey - (myfirst drug of choice) in the cabinet over the fridge. Through faith in my higher power and my strong program of honesty in all areas of my life - the obsession to drink and use has been lifted from me. In fact the obsession left me very early in recovery as it has for many.

Relapse happens because we are not working our program - I have met nurses who are "Just jumping through the hoops" to satisfy the boards. This never works eventually it all catches up with you.

I have over 100 people that I can call anytime day or night and they know they can call me as well. Should the urge ever come upon us we are there for eachother.

As I have said before when sobriety becomes the #1 most important thing in your life, you will stay sober. Anything;job, family, finances etc that you make more important is exactly what you will lose eventually.


God Bless
hppy

LisaB19 wrote:I'm not sure who this was directed at, but perhaps the better term to use instead of dishonesty is being discreet. There are appropriate venues to share certain things and ones that being a little more mindful of who is there is in order. I have therapy, my sponsor and AA meetings, where anominity is practiced to be open and unguarded.

Well said!!!

Sandra, dear, are you really confused as to disclosure in a room of nurses in your same situation and not concerned about publishing your weaknesses, using your name, on a public forum?

Hon, I wish you true peace and happiness. Continue to post and give/get support but you may want to consider using a generic, non-identifiable, screen name. Get the help you need and be safe.
Karma

Bravo hppygr8ful!! Your honesty is truly inspiring!! Kisses!!

Your reply spoke to my heart! It couldn't have been stated better. Being new in recovery and diversion, I find your message very hopeful and helpful. I don't believe relapses have to occur but agree that they are inevitable if our program has "holes". Higher Power willing today I will be granted another reprieve from the obsession of this disease. I only have today, and yes, sobriety is my number one priority. Hooray to Hpygr8ful!

Be truthful to the outside meeting, get comfortable with it. Then take all of what the people said into consideration. But, ultimately...you need to feel comfortable with discussing it in the nurse group. Yes, nurses eat their young and their peers too. But, the patients you care for need the best nurse.