What you are going through is perfectly normal: misaerable, regretful, dumbfounded. Those are words to describe my first year, 4 yrs ago. Now, stressed at times, confident, knowledgable and able to serve faster than any waitress around (OOPS, DID I SAY WAITRESS??? That's what our clientel see us as much of the time or airline stewartess.....oh well) and think quick, clear, and critically on my feet...Thank you Lord.
My advice: prioritize, put one foot in front of the other, do not compare your insides to other nurse's outsides (how you feel you are doing compared to what you THINK they are doing-they could be going through they same thing just feeling numb and not reacting on the outside), and pray pray pray!
You'll do just great. I know you will, because when I read your thread, it was like looking into a looking glass mirror...Alice In Wonderland. You are going to be one awesome nurse...like me. No regrets..well occasionally it would be nice just to be a janitor!
Keep your chin up, your back straight no matter what happens on the floor.
And remember two awesome things: No matter how crazy things get....life is good if everyone still has a pulse and the time clock keeps moving reguardless of the activity around it. You still get to clock out eventually. I use to tell the day shift "See you guys later, I'm going on vacation" They'd look at me funny and say "what do you mean, I thought you were coming back tonight?" I say "I am, I'm going on a twelve hour vacation to the land of the zzzzzzz's" "or I'm going to close my eyes and be in Lake Tahoe".
Things will get better. You will know those meds. It will get to a point that you will look at someone and know exactly what they are being treated for and what their history is, just by experienced assessments....assess. assess. assess. If you can't remember anything else remember that.
Good luck,
Mr. Ernurse