Hi everyone. Glad I found this site. I was arrested 2 weeks ago today for obtaining fraudulent RX of Lortab. Charged with 3 felonies, went to the jail for most of the day, got out on personal recognizance bond. Lost my best job ever. I have met with my attorney and feel okay about the criminal charges. It is my license and working that scare me the most. I referred myself to my BON and their recovery program. I am attending NA/AA and Peer assistance group for nurses but I cannot even look for a job until I have my substance abuse evaluation. I cannot get in to the treatment center for eval until Feb. 26th. I don't know what to do with myself without working. I have not used Lortab since Jan. 20th (3 days before being arrested). I only used 1/2 Lortab once or twice a day so I did not have any physical withdrawals.
I am afraid that I might never work again. I have talked to the nurses in my peer assistance program and have gotten names of Recovery-friendly employers. The BON told me they may not get to me for a year or more. How do I even apply for another job? I have applied to non-nursing jobs that I can do from home but I am not even sure how to tell these employers about my problems. My husband has been the best. He says we can tap into what was supposed to be our retirement and even if I had to stay out work for 6 months we could make the bills.
I am so ashamed of myself for falling into this addiction. I have always been a co dependent - my husband got clean about 6 years ago. I really don't know what I am going to do. I am not suicidal but definitely depressed. Can barely get myself off of the couch to attend a meeting.
I know this kind of rambles but that is how my mind is working today.
RN29414
Hi. Sorry to hear of your troubles. Have you gotten yourself a sponsor yet? I would Really encourage that! A sponsor would really help you through this time of transition-if you would utilize her. Start asking around at meetings. Even if you don't "feel" like it.....you'll be glad you did! Then....call your sponsor.
"This too shall pass", remember that!
No sponsor as yet. I am still trying to decide which meetings I prefer. The area I live in has a lot of hardened drug addicts in NA. They have done a lot of things to obtain drugs. AA seems more my speed but I don't have and never did, a drinking problem. In fact I can't remember the last time I had a drink - probably last April at my friend's b-day party. So, I am not sure if an AA member will be willing to sponsor me. I will ask at my peer assistance meeting if a nurse can sponsor me.
You say you are ashamed of yourself. The best medicine for this is to become active. Like Levita said, Get a sponsor, NOW, TODAY. Stop comparing yourself to other addicts, because you describe yourself as being addicted. You might be very surprised what you can learn from hardened drug addicts! They used to say that only 1 of 10 recovering addicts stay clean, are you WILLING to do Whatever it takes to be that one?
Talk to your family Dr. about the symptoms of depression you are having. Depression will make recovery much more difficult.
Get off the bench, get in the game. Get to a meeting, get a sponsor. Once your going to meetings regularly, say like 90 meetings in 90 days ( You have some time on your hands now), you can shop around for a meeting that you feel comfortable in. As for going to AA, if you decide to go to AA, you need to go to open meeting, not closed meetings. Closed meetings are for Alcoholics only.
I'll keep you in prayer and ask God to give you willingness.
I have read your post and the following comments as a nurse about to complete the California Diversion program I feel that I should say something. It's time to settle down to the reality of your situation. If you are in a diversion/peer assistance program don't count on going to work anywhere in nursing for a minimum of 6 months to a year. Youu can do any other kind of work retail, secretarial etc. When I was at my lowest point of depression over what I done to my career my case manager cheerfully suggested I try pizza delivery!
In these programs you are required to do 90 meetings in 90 days and the powers that be don't care if you don't like it! Don't waste anytime getting started. Don't worry about wether or not you fit in with the folks you meet there. Just remember that there but for the grace of God go you. Ultimately those of us who drink and use are all headed to the same place; "hospitals, institutions and death!"
Start watching and adjusting your diet - Do not eat of drink anything that lists alcohol in it's ingredients stop using waterless hand cleaners, lysol spray, Pam etc. Don't eat out unless you feel comfortable telling the wait staff something like you are allergic to alcohol of all kinds and no it doesn't all cook out. There is a urine test that the boards are using that is so sensitive people who have never cosumed alcohol are testing positive for alcohol.
Mostly do what they tell you without complaint or resentment, the boards see any resistance as relapse behavior. Get a sponsor right away - don't worry about it being someone you get along with because you want someone who will kick your butt into working the steps. Go to Nurse Support group. You will be very busy and the time will pass quickly.
With almost 4 years of sobriety under my belt I have a bit of perspective on this stuff any questions don't hesitate to contact me!
Peace and Namaste
Hppy
Happy grateful and free
Remember the mind that made the problem is not the mind to fix it!
Thanks for the support. I am going to meetings regularly. Still attempting to find a sponsor, so far no one is interested. The sponsors I have spoken to say to get back to them after my evaluation by the substance abuse center. I did get good news from my attorney. I have been entered into Pre Trial Intervention and the charges will be dropped and expunged from my record upon completion. The prosecutor agreed to this because it is my first arrest, not even a parking ticket in my past, and there was no diversion involved. The investigator that arrested me was in full agreement with this.
Now I am waiting for my evaluation. Been calling daily to see if the date can be moved up but no luck yet. I have been advised by my Peer Assistance group that I could be working in 2 months since this is my first offense and I did not divert from patients/hospital. Today is my peer assistance meeting; missed it last week because my husband was in a car wreck. He is okay but I had to pick him up because the car was not. Went to an extra NA meeting to make up for this.
I do feel more comfortable at the open AA meetings. I am in a city area and the NA meetings are IV drug users that are on methadone and they tell me I don't need to be there. Not a very open bunch of people. I have tried several groups. So for now, I will continue to go to both NA and AA.
RN29414 wrote:Thanks for the support. I am going to meetings regularly. Still attempting to find a sponsor, so far no one is interested. The sponsors I have spoken to say to get back to them after my evaluation by the substance abuse center. I did get good news from my attorney. I have been entered into Pre Trial Intervention and the charges will be dropped and expunged from my record upon completion. The prosecutor agreed to this because it is my first arrest, not even a parking ticket in my past, and there was no diversion involved. The investigator that arrested me was in full agreement with this.
Now I am waiting for my evaluation. Been calling daily to see if the date can be moved up but no luck yet. I have been advised by my Peer Assistance group that I could be working in 2 months since this is my first offense and I did not divert from patients/hospital. Today is my peer assistance meeting; missed it last week because my husband was in a car wreck. He is okay but I had to pick him up because the car was not. Went to an extra NA meeting to make up for this.
I do feel more comfortable at the open AA meetings. I am in a city area and the NA meetings are IV drug users that are on methadone and they tell me I don't need to be there. Not a very open bunch of people. I have tried several groups. So for now, I will continue to go to both NA and AA.
Where I live and work _ California_ the Board is very difficult to deal with! I was told that I would be back at work in 90 days to 6 mos. I felt confident going in because I am a garden variety alcoholic, never drunk at work, never diverted drugs ( so how did I get into this mess you ask) I tried to kill myself and my husband took me to the hospital where I worked. The rest is history. If I had opted for probation I would have been allowed to work after 6 months, but I chose Diversion as there will be no record once the program is completed. Just eight more months to go! It is a very humbling experience! On finding a sponsor here's what I suggest go to a larger meeting and when its time to introduce newcomers stand up state you mane and disease ans say "I really need a sponsor" Chances are someone will approach you during the break. Remember don't be too picky but make sure you pick a same sex partner so as to avoid any kind of sexual tension. If it doesn't work out you can always get another. I had two sponsors before I got the one I have had for 3 years. Who by -the-way is a retired nurse.
Most of all I want you to know that no matter what you face you can get through it. The time will pass and you can and will get better every day. Life in sobriety is more beautiful than I could ever imagine. My worst day sober is 100% better that my best day drunk.
Don't be afraid to reach out!
Peace and Namaste
Hppy
please be sure to keep reaching out to people for support and asking for help. I know firsthand how easily depression can become suicidal and even you and the people around you don't realize it until it's too late.I attempted suicide on 1/31/08 after just a few weeks of not being able to get out of bed and a history of xanax and alcohol abuse. Your nursing career WILL recover, but right now you need to just think about today. I now live one day at a time and although I still struggle with depression and addiction I let family and friends love and support me and I am making my way into recovery, back to life and whatever is in store for my future.
The thing that keeps me living in the moment now instead of looking into a scary and confusing future is this:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I CANNOT CHANGE
courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom
To know the difference
You have no control over what the board is going to decide right now but you can have the courage to change your behavior and save your life. I know it seems so much easier to stay in bed or on the couch believe me but you need to reach out to people who can help you begin to recover from this disease. I hope you will write back and let me become one of those people.
lp
How r u doing. Did u get the assessment? Going to meetings is difficult at first. I felt out of place in na in the beginning too. I found out there are more meetings in na that I wasn't aware of . They are not all ghetto meetings. I was in na for 2 years and had 2 different sponsors before I found the best one for me. Now I go to both na and aa, but na is really my home because god knows I am not just addicted to one substance such as etoh. I have the disease of addiction-being the symptom of a bigger underlying problem that led me to want to use in the first place. Keep it up, don't use no matter what. Life is more important then you license right now. xo jl
I got my assessment last week. I will start next week attending group treatment once per week. Things were looking up but now my car is in the shop and will cost $500.00 I don't have to fix. Yet, I have to fix it or I cannot attend the group tx or my na/aa and that will be reported to the board. So, I am using the credit card to pay all the bills and hoping we are not really going into a recession! I know things will get better. My husband says we hit a bad patch in our finances about every five years and this time it was my turn instead of his :) That is why I keep him, lots of great love and support.
Thanks for thinking about me.
Thank you so much for the kind words. They mean alot. I am working the program as best I can. I like my Peer Assistance group the best. I wish they met more than once a week. I am having a hard time realizing I have no control over this and what I cannot change.
You are blessed. I waited for years to hear "well now it is your turn honey, I will take care of everything because u sure have done it for me over the years!" Needless to say I never heard that and my husband and I ended up separating. Which for me was a very good thing. We r friends now but he is a hot holloween mess in his own right. He does not have a drinking problem (according to him of course) because his work was never impared nor did he take pills so he is A ok. I am so glad I know that it is my job to take care of me today and not be a part of all that s-it. I will tell u all the things u have to do for the nsg board gets very costly to say the least. I made a wopping 22,000 last year due to having to file for un-employment and working at bulls--t jobs just to make ends meet. I will tell u this though. I have never been happier. I have bills up the wazoo but I started a new job on monday and it is in the ballpark of what i made in nursing. I decided to give up my license because it was a mess. I self reported back in 2004 and had to wait for 1 year to re-apply for licensure.. But... I was in the alternative program-first self reported back in 2002 in Michigan. All ok, but then when I moved to nc-i had to get my license here and join the alternative program here or they were going to suspend my lic in mich-just because when i left the state, the monitoring co. was mandated to report to the nsg board. ok i get that, they r "protecting the public." So I joined the alternative prog here and participated from oct 2003-Jan 20, 2005. The whole thing was a joke to me. I figured since i reported myself i could do what i like to call buffet style recovery. The only thing on my buffet it was empty. I forged documents and never dropped dirty-but i was using all of 2004. O my god-talk about it coming back with a vengence. Once i put that drink to mouth, it was on. Soon there after i started doing oxys and many other narcs, and my tollerance was so high, i wasn't even getting high, it was just preventing me from getting sick. The only place i had left to go was heroin and i knew if i went there i would never go back. So very long story short, i got my lic back in oct of 06 and looked for a job for 11 months. we are talking tons and tons of interview. nobody would hire me. Anyway in Sep of 07, i went to the board and said i was done. I said thank you, but i no longer want to play this game. Not because i used or anything god no-i have almost 3 1/2 years. But then they suspended my lic-and said it was breech of contract and sent all my info to the national provider data bank place and the info is supposed to be confidential. well it is not and even though i had not practiced in cali or colorado for many years, just because i was once licensed there colorado suspended my licen and california revolked it. I was like -Whaaaaaat!!! I contacted both states and they were like, well we are just basing our decision to do this based on what happened in nc. I told them it was like getting a speeding ticket in nc and then cali and co give me one too, just because i was once a driver in that state. Un fortunately i cannont do anything about this and the info will be in this data base "forever." O by the way it is all public record now since each nob website publicly presents all the disciplinary actions on their web sites. Nice. So now this monday i started a job that is with a company that puts together the educational material for CEUs for md, pa, nurse prac, and nurses. ha ha. I may try and convinced them to do a presentation on addiction. of course i have to fly under the radar because even if someone does a background check on me all this stuff shows up. So much for the nursing board protecting you. Your life is more important then any damn nursing license. Take it from me, i did it the hard way. Don't get me wrong there are many guys and gals out there that have successfully completed "the program." For me I just know i need to move on with my life with out this haunting mess. Just for today, don't use no matter what. There is nothing i can't get through clean. I know that today, and it is better then any drug I ever did. Thanks for listening to this big dump, but it helps for me to get it off my chest and hopefully help another person, especially if that person is a nurse. xoxoxox jl
