Hopeful in Maine

[lpRN13108]

Hello All,
I am new to this site from Maine. I will share some details of my life so hopefully I can help prevent others from going through the same fate.
I completed nursing school in 1997 and went to work as a pediatric nurse in an MD office. I only drank occasionally on weekends..BUT when I drank I didn't stop til my body stopped me in some way. I continued to work as a nurse and be a wife and mom to 2 kids. I landed a job in a cardiologist office that was "loosely" run where some how they had obtained lots of med samples for percocet. I started creating reasons why the aches and pains..toothaches,leg pain from being on my feet etc. were valid reasons to help myself to the samples, after all they didn't belong to anyone,I wasn't diverting meds from a pt. just easing my pain so I could do my job. It wasn't long til I was taking them several times a day and had trouble thinking or getting out of bed in the morning. I soon lost that job but before I left I made sure I took all the samples so I could get through til I could find a dentist to give me more narcotics Of course I blamed the the Dr for losing my job, which I argued with her about in a crowded waiting room full of patients. I proceeded to use drugs and went to work on an acute care pediatric unit.
This cycle went on for about 2 1/2 years until I felt like I was losing my mind. All I did was cry,scream,and sleep. I moved from Florida back to Maine in an effort to find a geographical cure for the way I was feeling because I was sure it was because I was so far away from my family and friends. I felt a bit better being around them but it did NOTHING for my substance use. I quickly found a "sympathetic" Dr. who prescribed vicodin and my family could easily be persuaded to give me their meds. Some how I was able to keep working as a Home Health nurse, To this day I am not sure how I managed my pts. and driving but I did. In Aug 2005 I contracted Lyme disease which might sound bad to you but it was a secret blessing to me because now I had a REAL reason to need drugs. The disease causes anxiety and sleep disorder(as a result of neurologic impairment) so my Dr. was more than happy to keep me well stocked with xanax and vicodin. No one said anything about how much I was using because I had a reason.For a couple years this kept me happy but in Nov-Dec 2008 we had some financial struggles from my lost work which caused marital disputes and I realized that xanax and vicodin alone didn't help but alcohol ,and xanax together made the hopeless feeling go away. Mostly because I was unconscious. I did that for 2 months passing out during the day and the night and waking up to drink more to go back to sleep again. I even took my kids and left my husband because I was sure he was the cause of my substance abuse. Finally on Jan 31,2008 even though I had a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful children my brain told me I was too unhappy to live anymore. I took a lethal overdose of xanax and tylenol PM and barely survived. I woke up the next morning in the SCU wondering what in the hell I was thinking. Those thoughts were quickly replaced with the crisis nurse explaining my impending commitment to a psych. facility. What? How did this happen. I am a good person and a good nurse? All I could think was how could I do this to my kids,my husband,my family,and my nursing career. I hope you never have to face your young children and explain why you were choosing to die instead of staying with them. I spent 6 days in treatment inpatient the first 3 blaming EVERYTHING on the effects of xanax and how as an RN I would be very cautious with my patients who take it. I was very helpful and supportive of the other pts. but of course I knew I wasn't a drug addict just a victim of medicine. At least that's what I told my shrink. He refused to d/c me and forced me to stop and think about the last few months and my behaviors and actions. I realized that I had created situations and delusions that helped me justify my need for more and more drugs and alcohol. I began remembering things I had done in the past and things that had happened to me and suddenly I realized that I was an addict who had been self medicating since my early teens. I can remember back then saying my life is not out of control like those alcoholics I've met who can't even sleep without being drunk..but 24 years later I became the person who is powerless over drugs and alcohol who was going to sleep drunk daily.
I was released from the hospital with a diagnosis of psychoactive suicide attempt. If you think substance abuse alone makes people wonder how good of a nurse you are try telling them you also suffer from mental illness which now requires medication. I am lucky that I was able to return to my nursing job because I do telephonic disease management from my home. They figure I can't do much damage to pts. on the phone, but gone are the feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment I used to get from my nursing career. Now I get a paycheck and that is about all. I am still in a partial hospital outpatient program and work hard everyday to overcome urges to medicate my feelings away, but most of the time I am grateful to be ALIVE. I hope someday I will be well enough to share my experiences and help others to learn to live again too.
I would love to hear from anyone who would like to talk
lp

[sohpie1]

I felt empathy when I read your story. My drugs of choice were Xanax/Ambien and pain pills. I used for more that 13 years....all the way through my son's childhood. My clean date is 12-13-05, which is also the best day of my life. You mentioned you work out of your home? Be very aware of becoming isloated. I suggest you make five to seven 12-step meetings/wk to prevent isolation. Isolation is what I did best when I was using and now I know that "if I always do what I always did, I always get what I always got." ......depression/isolation/obsessing with shame/doubt. (and this can also occur with me clean) I have met some of the most wonderful people in the NA program. My sponsor has 11 years of recovery and still attends meetings/step-meetings 4-7x/wk. I want what she has and I know I have to do the work to get it. I applaud you for getting clean and realizing you are an addict. I'm not good with words and that's why I don't post on here much but I can tell you that living and enjoying life without the use of drugs(including alcohol) is the best blessing I've ever received.

[jenniferleigh]

I want u to know that u r not alone. This disease is stronger then anything else in the world. I takes our mind and body hostage. Why would a college educated gal that grew up in fairfield ct, choose to shoot demerol while pregnant working in the recovery room. Am I proud of that, is that the real me, did I really in my right mind choose demerol over my unborn child. no-hell no. This thing-this dragon- i like to call it wants me alone, trapped, miserable and despirate to use so that i can slowly or quite rapidly kill myself. It does not care who we are, or where we come from, or what our life circumstances are, etc. I have never been afraid to die. I have been afriad to live-that is why it was easier to be numb or self medicate to gain some warped and life threatening sence of control, because i thought that was all i had. I to was addicted to percocet, then xanax, them demerol, then oxy all while using pot and alcohol too. I really thought i was not an addict, and that i could actually be a better nurse and person being on drugs. I thought i could stop at any time. what a joke. I could not stop for more then 24 hrs to a week if i absolutely had to in order to fly under the radar or because i ran of stuff. I have lived in hell, u have too. not until i was ready or despirate enough to get help did i actually believe it was possible to stop using for no other reason then because other people told me they had- and were still able to stay clean. For me, I needed intensive in patient treatment. I had to put my recovery before EVERYTHING. Yes this took me away from my daughter (who was born healthy by the grace of god) but until i let go absolutely and addmited i did not know what the hell i was doing and that i needed help i was doomed to repeat my insideious actions or reactions and behviors time and time again. do whatever it takes to get help and stay clean. Don't fall prey to using your kids or your job or whatever for an excuse to not get the intensive help that u need. For me i needed to go the inpatient, go live in an oxford house being around other females in recovery and work outside of my profession for a while. For so long my whole life could be **** and it was but as long as my nsg license was intact and i was able to still work-some how i was still ok. boy o boy was that a lie. I learned that i used my license to validate my existance as a person. Now 5 years later, for me, i decided to give up my nsg licence and move in a new direction. my clean date is jan 15, 05. There is no way i would still be alive today unless i did what was suggested completely. now because i focused on my recovery and learning how to live for over 2 years, i am now able to be really there and "present" for my daughter and my family not to mention myself. had i not done that, what chance did i ever have to stay clean and live. for me none at all. I too have been in suicide lockdown 3 times now. But since that jan of 05 when i gave up control and the illusion of power, not until then was i able to let recovery into my life. i urge u to do whatever u can. i know for me i need to break the chain in my family. my mom died of etoh abuse when she was only 50. i hated her for so long and vowed never to be like her. joke's on me because i thought if i choose drugs over alcohol it would somehow be different. this thing took hold of me like nothing i have ever experienced. i cannot tell u how grateful i am that i humbled myself and gave up absolutely. there is nothing in this world that will keep u clean-not family, not friends, not abstinece, not still having your license until u are able to lean on and learn from the people that can trully understand this and us. and i am so proud of you because u r doing exactly that by reaching out for help here and other places. please respond and i would love to talk to u anytime. i only was alble to do it because people reached out to me and were willing to help. that is how this works, because only another addict-especially an addict nurse in recovery-can truly understand and help. no judgement, that is the freedom of letting helping people in. i believe u can do it and will love( not the weird way) until u can love yourself. we r sick people trying to get better. u r in my thoughts and prayers. one day at a time keep up the good work and do not use no matter what!!!!!!!!! xoxo jl