Hey all, I have been MIA from this site for a bit, but I am ok. Found out that I am pregnant at 40yrs old and have been in a bit of shock to say the least. I just started a new job and my first ob appt is april 1. The last thing in the world i want to do is tell my parents. Isn't that crazy, im 40 and afraid to tell my parents. I am on the 6th step and my sponsor says that is right where i am supposed to be. Caught in the struggle to be ok in everyone else's eyes, despite how i feel. I actually feel great. I am divorced, and have no intention of getting married ever again. I have a 10 year old daughter who is the love of my life and a boyfriend, who is also in recovery and we have been dating for 3 years. Yes I have been clean longer then that, not the 13th step all together. Anyway, he is thrilled, and so am I. I just feel like, once I tell them all of that "we are disapointed in you" thing will start again. They will question my every move,.. how could i think it is ok to have a baby at 40 when i am just getting my life back together. Maybe i am scared because i don't want to feel bad about my decision. When i was pregnant the first time, i was ****ed up. did not know i even was until about 4 months in and i was already shooting demerol etc at that time, and honestly i hated being pregnant because it got in the way of my using. I remember taking a pregnancy test and then shooting dope. I guess thinking, i could just make it all go away. I got fired in my 6th month, thank god, because if i had not, i would never have been able to stop using. My daughter was born healthy, thank god!!! I stayed away from drugs for almost 2 years and then it got bad, really bad. I have spent 3 years of my daughter's life either in rehab or living away from her trying to get my **** together. She and i have been living together for over a year now, my x and i divide the time, and there is no mess there, thank god, with him. we are friends now that we are divorced. Anyway, my daughter is totally happy, and my boyfriend and i are really looking forward to this. I just dont want to let my family's disappointment in me deflate all of my joy. needless to say, i have not told them, nor my x husband. i have until 3 months right? to make sure it is all a ok anyway. i don't know. i feel like an adult body (mostly) with that scared little girl mind sometimes, that does not want to continue to be judged and questioned and put down all the time. did I walk into that type of relationship with them because of my using and loosing it all, sure, but when does it get to end. I want it to end now, i do not want to be treated like the helpless, hopeless victim, i signed up to be in the past. I have been working very very hard for the past 4 years to build up my emotional teflon and be my own person. and i have been pretty ok, until now. i know u could say, why am i expecting the worst kind of reaction-but i know them, my boyfriend is not good enough, my job does not pay enough, all that kind of judgemental **** that rich hoitie toite parents say and brothers with perfect lives and perfect wives. I know i am free of addiction today, but i so very much wish i could not dread and fear and have to deal with the family ****. my way of dealing with it, is not dealing with it as long as i can. 9 months sounds good. love u all, thanks for being a friend who knows what life is like for us. xoxox jenn
Jenniferleigh, Congrats on your gift of life through a baby. To be honest with you, I'd wonder how to tell my parents the same thing!Maybe consider not having any particular expectation from your family. From what the basic text says having specific expectations in life can sabotage areas of our recovery. You are clean, in recovery, responsible and have a foundation to help you in any situation. Let us know when you feel the baby kick the first time.
Wow Jenn I am sooooo excited for you. Talk about the blessings you recieve in recovery. I understand how you feel about telling your parents and fearing their reaction. I too feel like a scared,timid,needs rescuing little girl in a 37 yr old body at times. One thing I learned in my IOP is boundary setting. If this were me my boundary would be not letting anyone else's reaction to the news lessen my happiness even a tiny bit. you are getting a 2nd chance to share the child birth experience with someone you love. This time you are alert and aware and healthy and are going to remember all those special moments that you missed out on with your first pregnancy. When I am holding to my boundaries I keep my "**** screen" with me..I say whatever I need to in a non-accusatory,kind way and if people take offense, or ridicule me I hold up my screen and keep their words from hitting my heart. I tend to personalize everything everyone says and it doesn't take long for it to bring me way down, but if I use the screen I can see how there words are about them and their feelings and have nothing to do with me or who I am. So if your parents are not happy for you or start to put you or your boyfriend down..hold up your **** screen..say I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am very happy and wanted to share my news with you. I have to handle communication with my mother with boundaries at all times because our relationship is her controlling me with guilt over how my life decisions make her feel, and suffer..but my life decisions are just that..MY life decisions, that affect only my life. I have NO control over how my mother will react to things I say, but I do have power over how I react and allow myself to feel. Just remember that you are a responsible adult and don't let anyone take away the feeling of joy that you deserve to feel about your pregnancy.I am always hear anytime you need a friend
Has anyone else in early recovery find that they have a decreased interest in sex. My husband and I had a very healthy sex life when I was using but now it seems like when I gave up substances I gave up my interest and enjoyment in sex as well. I was sexually abused as a teen and am now feeling that discomfort again when my husband tries to touch me. I feel like I never really got over those feelings I just covered them with drugs and alcohol. I don't want to use anymore but I also don't want to be a 37 yr old woman who doesn't enjoy sex either. It is very hard for my husband because he is used to the old me, and I get upset with him for wanting sex often. Does anyone have any suggestions on ways to increase my libido again. I am going to talk to my therapist about it, but am hoping for something that can improve things more quickly than psychotherapy.
Good Morning All
Hope everyone is having a good day. Today is sunny here in Maine so that is always a mood booster. I have had a couple of down days but I think today the rollercoaster is climbing uphill a bit. I am back to work at home and days are long and boring, I have been feeling sorry for myself that I was forced to go back to work earlier than I wanted..this morning I realized that life is about more than just what I want,and I am lucky that I still have a job to help me provide for my family. Today is my 16th day sober since relapsing. I still can't believe I forgot that my disease almost killed me and I picked up again? How does someone forget something so significant? I guess that is why they say this disease is cunning,and baffling right? I still struggle with triggers to my addiction everyday as I am sure we all do, but I am learning to ask for help and accept that I have NO power to control this disease. I have always believed in God, but learning to have faith for something else to handle situations in my life is difficult for me..but I know that I have come to the end of the road if I don't let that happen.
Well I thought my dtr and I were making some real progress repairing our relationship. I felt like she was really coming to understand me and this disease..BUT again I was seeing the world in a distorted way! She verbally attacked me at a dinner at my friend's house. I was so hurt and embarassed I left as quickly after eating as I could. She let all her anger out again about my attempting suicide and forcing them to live together with my husband as a family even though she and her brother don't want to. I didn't really defend myself too much because I didn't want to lose control in someone elses home. I was so furious at that time and then by the time we arrived home 30 mins. later I was in tears and unable to speak the words to tell her that sometimes parents know what is best for the family and Dad and I are both getting help to repair our family together. I went into my bedroom to bring my husband his leftovers my friend sent. He left the room for a minute and I had to move his beer to put his plate down..I held it in my hand for a couple minutes..I wanted to drink it so bad but I stopped and realized that doing that would only make me feel worse later. I didn't use good coping skills all I did was take my sleeping meds and go to sleep..and when I woke up this morning..or should I say came to this morning it wasn't any better. I fell back to sleep and forgot to get my son up for school, then I started to work but couldn't concentrate. I talked to my sponsor for my daily update and then took a 2 hr nap, and I still don't feel any better. I wish I could learn not to let things people say go straight to the heart..especially with my kids. I am going to visit a friend and going to a meeting tonight so hopefully things will improve..until tommorrow remember this: [B]Man can Live for about 40 days without food, and about three days without water,and about eight minutes without air..but only for one second without HOPE!
-Hal Lindsey
TGIF Everyone!
Well I had quite a night last night..thought I was just going to a womens meeting and having dinner with a few friends..but we ended up 30 women sitting in a bar and grill to eat dinner. They have alot more sobriety than I do and did not find it difficult to be there at all, but I had to sit on my hands to keep from jumping up and going to the bar to order a drink. I would have just removed myself from the situation but I was the driver for 2 other women so I couldn't. I didn't even really interact with the women I was with (most of whom I did not know) but instead took mental note of what each person in the bar area was drinking. I started remembering how much fun I used to have in the beginning when I could go to a bar and just have a couple to loosen up and have fun, then dance without a care as to who was watching or how I looked..I started to feel very angry inside..I did not want to be sitting here with these women trying to find joy in life..I wanted to be at the bar with the people who looked like they were really enjoying life! My friend commented at how uncomfortable she thought I was and that I looked angry, but I said I would be ok because I did not want her to feel bad about it. Finally 2 hrs after arriving we got to leave..the air outside was a welcome relief to the actual body discomfort I was feeling in the bar. Even just typing this I can feel stress in my neck and shoulders. I was relieved that we were out so late that all the stores I could buy at on my way home were closed..thank you HP. I got home and started with my whole distorted way of thinking..like maybe I can drink and have fun for a few more years til I turn 40 then I will go back to AA and live sober..I even told my husband I didn't know if I wanted to stop drinking anymore, but he said I would take the chance of losing everything I just found..and he was right! I just have to remember I want the drink, but with the drink comes chaos,anger,ruined relationships,financial problems,insanity, and loneliness..and I don't want that!
I am working only til noon today and then going to spend the afternoon with my grandmother and going to a meeting tonight so I feel positive right now. I always find it easy to feel positive when I have something to look forward to..even as a kid I can remember planning months in advance and really looking forward to things..unfortunately alot can happen between now and then and lots of times it was disappointing. I look forward to the time when I can wake up and feel positive that I woke up and have a peaceful day to live!!
lpRN~~ I felt your anxiety when I read your message today. I am a little confused....."womens meeting"....you mean an AA group of women or just 'friends women's group. When I perceive uncomfortable feelings (and we all know what that is) I consider it like a 'code 99'.....I better run like h*ll and get help. Honestly that is how I view it. I immediately remove myself and if necessary call someone in the program. I'll never forget the first time I went to a wedding reception and had WATER in my champagne glass, I developed a knot in my stomach and felt panic. I had to leave. I was taught some very important rules during my recovery. #1-change my "playgroud" (and playmates). A bar is certainly a NO-WAY playground for me. For a long time I didn't walk down the liquor isle and sometimes I still don't. I also heard a saying in the beginning: If you sit in the barber shop long enough you're going to get a hair cut. Your disease doesn't want just a haircut, it want's you to suffer and ultimately die. I don't even know you but I care about you. Please, never put yourself in that situation again. Hugs.
Thanks Sophie for all your support. It was a womens' AA meeting that I attended and then went to eat with them. I "ass..umed" that it would be a safe thing for me to do since they were all AA women,but unfortunately my assumption was wrong. What it taught me is to remember that even though people are in AA we are all in diff. levels of recovery. Someday when I have more sobriety and have begun actual recovery it may be fine for me to be able to sit in a bar and just enjoy being around nice people enjoying dinner, but at this point it is definately a code 99 for me and I have to learn to be able to speak up and do what is best for me. I stayed there because I was giving 2 other women a ride, but I know that one of the other women would have been willing to do that for me ..If I Had Only Asked For What I Needed!
I miss you and we don't even know each other. you and sophie are truly great people and great friends. I almost have 3& 1/2 years clean and i always feels uncomfortable in a restaurant where there is alot of drinking. especially in the bar area, which ironically is the only place you can smoke,if you can at all. i used to do some of the going out to dinner stuff but for the most part i hated it and just wanted to leave and did not like being around alot of people i really did not know that well. my first all womens meeting-i cried when i left because i hated being there with all those miserable women. i personally like co-ed meetings. im sure there is great recovery in womens meetings but i do not like it there. not because of the "they call u out on your **** thing, but because i just have never liked being in large groups of women. i personally am more of a loner type. not many major friends. great relationship with my 3 sponsees and my sponsor and have a couple of gals that i call on a pretty regular basis, and you guys. anyway about the bar, i feel your discomfort. i never did the car pool thing for the very reason that i always needed an escape plan. given your recent run in with the etoh, i would recommend like sophie did to stay as far away from anything alcohol related as possible. it concerns me that your husband is still drinking around you. have you asked him not to drink in the house or not to bring etoh in the house. it would just be too easy to pick up. that is my opinion, not a judgement. as for your daughter, god is that hard. like we dont feel guilty and shamed enough. kids have a way of cutting to the deep places quicker then most. all they think in their minds is that we didnt care about them enough to want to live. just remember that they dont understand the prison we were in. the thing that helped my daughter and i was i took her to meetings with me. the would draw or play with one of the other kids her age, doing art etc and then would circle up at the end. this enabled her to be included in my recovery and not in my disease. just a suggestion. i was very honest with gabby about everything. even the part about seeing her as an orange cone in the road of me following through on killing myself. i made a deal with her that she could always be honest with me about how she feels and vice versa. i remember when i had been away for a while, one day we were driving and she said that she missed the "fun mom." the one jacked out on oxy euphoric or irritated as hell i guess. it hurt because i wanted her to like the clean mom, but she really didnt know the clean mom and nor did i. now things are great, we still get *****y at times of course but our relationship has really blossomed. only through first and foremost me staying clean, being honest, being patient and being a good listener and trying to be the parent and not the child. tough stuff, but it can be done. your daughter said those things in the presence of other people because she knew you could not retaliate out of where you were. i would also recommend a child psychologist if that is possible, because all they think is that they are not good enough for us to care about living. they think it is somehow thier fault that we are/were miserable and that if we wanted to die then it must be because we-the kids-are a dissappointment. sad but true my friend. just remember what u said to me about the sheild. let your daughter say what she needs to , and just respond with, i am so sorry i hurt you, mommy was very sick and could only think of stopping her pain, it had nothing to do with you. you are a blessing and i love you with all my heart,mommy just needs to learn to love herself in order to be the person, mom, wife whatever that you were meant to be. you did not want to kill yourself because of them. you just wanted the pain to stop. and let her know it is ok if she is mad, but just keep telling her you love her no matter what. and remind her that there are some things that she does that make you mad but you will always love her no matter what, and you would like the same kind of respect. pain is always under anger. and pain is what we all fear the most. xoxoxoox Jenn ps 6 and 1/2 weeks and feeling good. told my little bro and he is thrilled-set up boundries from the start with him and he actually respected them. imagine that . baby steps other bro and dad are much later to come, but that is all ok w/ me. all my love and i think about you guys all the time, i am serious. i am in your corner and i know u are in mine. xo j
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