Just for Today

[lpRN13108]

Hello to All
I am very early in recovery and I know how important it is to have support from others. I thought I would start a thread for people in recovery to quickly access a daily message from peers. I know for me it helps to hear other people who have the same daily struggles and challenges I face.
I hope many members will join in and share their difficulties,and joys with others

Today is day 36 for me. It is a gray, cloudy day in Maine but even so my day is not going too bad. The last few days have been very tough. My grandmother is terminal with cancer and the last couple days have been up and down. I continue with shaking and constant craving for ANYTHING to change the way I feel. I have been overeating like crazy and still think about drugs and alcohol most of the time. I finally slept last night so my thinking is a little clearer. I am working from home which gets a bit lonely but I go to my IOP program at noon and look forward to getting out of the house. I live in a very rural area so it is a nice 60 min. drive to the program. I made plans to take my kids ice skating tonight, which should be funny since neither know how to skate. I will be sure to let you know tomm. how it went. I am looking forward to having some fun today? Wow I forgot what that used to feel like. It feels pretty good.Remember to thank your higher power today!
lp

[nurse76]

Glad to hear you are hanging in there, it WILL get better! I know what you mean about getting out of the house, I look forward to going to the grocery store to get out of the house. I HATE not working. Do you mind if I ask what kind of work you are doing from home?

[lpRN13108]

thanks for the support. I work from home as a telephonic disease management nurse. We call people with Diabetes,kidney disease and CHF. I am lucky to still have a nursing job, but it is far from fulfilling my need to interact with pts, and perform hands on skills. It gets lonely being home all day alone, and my work has been very slow lately so we have too much downtime for studdying CEUs. Listen to me whining about my job, I am so sorry, I know it must be very hard not to work. How long til you can get your license back?
lp

[lpRN13108]

Well the weather is finally sunny but now my mood has gone down the crapper. I'm trying to wean myself off ambien and switch to melatonin so needless to say I didn't sleep much last night. It was a very boring day. Layed around in bed watching tv and sleeping all day. The feedback I got yesterday was right..I definately need a meeting. I am going to go to the one down the street tonight. I like going to them and would go everyday but my husband and my kids don't like me to go off every night. Especially my dtr. I haven't gotten a sponsor yet because I know they will want me to go to a meeting everyday. I guess I haven't really started doing what I need yet..I'm still in people pleasing mode. Well I hope everyone else is having a better day than me.

[hppygr8ful]

To answer your question - I never actually lost my license because I voluntarily entered into the California Diversion program. My story is not much different thn that of others but suffice to say I was drinking huge ammounts of booze taking xanax, Ambien, benedryl, niquil, you name it. I actaully overdosed and ended up in the ER of the Hospital where I worked. No secrets anymore!

I was not allowed to work at all in nursing -for 9 months in fact I remember that when money was really tight my case mamanegr chearfully suggested I try pizza delivery. I went to work finally as an admissions nurse in a local mental health facility and have been there for close to three years. I no longer have any restrictions on my license and God willing I will be done with diversion on October 17 of this year. I'm not sure what I'm going to do after but am thinking of going into legal nurse consulting with my sister's law firm. I also might do some teaching.
deffinately getting too old for floor nursing or chasing psychotic people around the unit.

I am not longer required to go to meetings and I think I took a week off when that edict was lifted but quickly relized that meetings paid a huge role in my continued recovery. My advice to anyone dealing with the BON's of their state's ! Don't fight them, Do exactly what they tell you no matter how rediculous it sounds, and get used to reading labels and watching what you put into your body as false positives especially for alcohol will drive you crazy. Time will pass and you will get well and get back to a normal life.

Peace and Namaste

hppy

[lpRN13108]

Today is starting out angry. It started last night during the meeting while someone was talking about that nasty 4 letter word TIME! I have been having alot of trouble with feelings of anger lately. I feel like I have a ****ty life and if I am going to be forced to live it..I should be allowed to sedate myself in some way. The person was saying how difficult the first early days of sobriety were..I got some overwelmed with anger and frustration that I left in the middle of the meeting. Can anyone else relate to this overwelming anger during their early days of recovery? I am really struggling against my disease today!! i did reach out to a friend in AA for support though..am going to dinner and a meeting with her tonight. I am home alone working til 1230 and even though I don't like beer..my husband's beer in the frig is really calling to me today. Any encouraging words would be greatly appreciated.

[lpRN13108]

Today is another dreary day in Maine weather wise but I am still doing pretty good. I went out to the grocery store for the first time by myself today..I stopped and admired the wine display for a bit but luckily I picked a Walmart supercenter and they do not have Jack Daniels which is my favorite. Not sure I could walk by that if I was alone? but I was proud that I was able to walk past any alcohol. I went to see my grandmother who is dying from Lymphoma. It was really hard because she has declined so much recently. I wish I wasn't a nurse in this case. I wish I was like the rest of my family who is unaware of the dying process. It is hard, but I am very grateful to all my new friends who give me hope and help to get through it. I think the rest of the night is going to be pretty quiet ..talk to you all tommorrow.

[hppygr8ful]

Today is another dreary day in Maine weather wise but I am still doing pretty good. I went out to the grocery store for the first time by myself today..I stopped and admired the wine display for a bit but luckily I picked a Walmart supercenter and they do not have Jack Daniels which is my favorite. Not sure I could walk by that if I was alone? but I was proud that I was able to walk past any alcohol. I went to see my grandmother who is dying from Lymphoma. It was really hard because she has declined so much recently. I wish I wasn't a nurse in this case. I wish I was like the rest of my family who is unaware of the dying process. It is hard, but I am very grateful to all my new friends who give me hope and help to get through it. I think the rest of the night is going to be pretty quiet ..talk to you all tommorrow.

The one thing you left out of your day is a meeting. In the four years I have been sober and JD was a favorite of mine as well I have gone to a meeting everyday! Some people ask me why I still go to meetings as it seems that I do so well I always answer with the question why do you still go to church after all these years? Meetings can be a tremendously uplifting experience especially when you are dealing with big challanges of early sobriety, family illness and yes even a cloudy day! It's also best not to test yourself by trips down the wine section - even today I don't go there - there's nothing I want there anymore.

Just do one day at a time - and if that get's too hard try minute by minute pretty soon those minutes become hours and then days and then weeks, months and years. Know that your weakness makes you human and that we are all brothers and sisters in this struggle.

Peace and Namaste

Hppy

[jenniferleigh]

Hey all, I have been MIA from this site for a bit, but I am ok. Found out that I am pregnant at 40yrs old and have been in a bit of shock to say the least. I just started a new job and my first ob appt is april 1. The last thing in the world i want to do is tell my parents. Isn't that crazy, im 40 and afraid to tell my parents. I am on the 6th step and my sponsor says that is right where i am supposed to be. Caught in the struggle to be ok in everyone else's eyes, despite how i feel. I actually feel great. I am divorced, and have no intention of getting married ever again. I have a 10 year old daughter who is the love of my life and a boyfriend, who is also in recovery and we have been dating for 3 years. Yes I have been clean longer then that, not the 13th step all together. Anyway, he is thrilled, and so am I. I just feel like, once I tell them all of that "we are disapointed in you" thing will start again. They will question my every move,.. how could i think it is ok to have a baby at 40 when i am just getting my life back together. Maybe i am scared because i don't want to feel bad about my decision. When i was pregnant the first time, i was ****ed up. did not know i even was until about 4 months in and i was already shooting demerol etc at that time, and honestly i hated being pregnant because it got in the way of my using. I remember taking a pregnancy test and then shooting dope. I guess thinking, i could just make it all go away. I got fired in my 6th month, thank god, because if i had not, i would never have been able to stop using. My daughter was born healthy, thank god!!! I stayed away from drugs for almost 2 years and then it got bad, really bad. I have spent 3 years of my daughter's life either in rehab or living away from her trying to get my **** together. She and i have been living together for over a year now, my x and i divide the time, and there is no mess there, thank god, with him. we are friends now that we are divorced. Anyway, my daughter is totally happy, and my boyfriend and i are really looking forward to this. I just dont want to let my family's disappointment in me deflate all of my joy. needless to say, i have not told them, nor my x husband. i have until 3 months right? to make sure it is all a ok anyway. i don't know. i feel like an adult body (mostly) with that scared little girl mind sometimes, that does not want to continue to be judged and questioned and put down all the time. did I walk into that type of relationship with them because of my using and loosing it all, sure, but when does it get to end. I want it to end now, i do not want to be treated like the helpless, hopeless victim, i signed up to be in the past. I have been working very very hard for the past 4 years to build up my emotional teflon and be my own person. and i have been pretty ok, until now. i know u could say, why am i expecting the worst kind of reaction-but i know them, my boyfriend is not good enough, my job does not pay enough, all that kind of judgemental **** that rich hoitie toite parents say and brothers with perfect lives and perfect wives. I know i am free of addiction today, but i so very much wish i could not dread and fear and have to deal with the family ****. my way of dealing with it, is not dealing with it as long as i can. 9 months sounds good. love u all, thanks for being a friend who knows what life is like for us. xoxox jenn

[sohpie1]

Jenniferleigh, Congrats on your gift of life through a baby. To be honest with you, I'd wonder how to tell my parents the same thing! Maybe consider not having any particular expectation from your family. From what the basic text says having specific expectations in life can sabotage areas of our recovery. You are clean, in recovery, responsible and have a foundation to help you in any situation. Let us know when you feel the baby kick the first time. I will pray for you and your family. Hugs.