Hello to All
I am very early in recovery and I know how important it is to have support from others. I thought I would start a thread for people in recovery to quickly access a daily message from peers. I know for me it helps to hear other people who have the same daily struggles and challenges I face.
I hope many members will join in and share their difficulties,and joys with others
Today is day 36 for me. It is a gray, cloudy day in Maine but even so my day is not going too bad. The last few days have been very tough. My grandmother is terminal with cancer and the last couple days have been up and down. I continue with shaking and constant craving for ANYTHING to change the way I feel. I have been overeating like crazy and still think about drugs and alcohol most of the time. I finally slept last night so my thinking is a little clearer. I am working from home which gets a bit lonely but I go to my IOP program at noon and look forward to getting out of the house. I live in a very rural area so it is a nice 60 min. drive to the program. I made plans to take my kids ice skating tonight, which should be funny since neither know how to skate. I will be sure to let you know tomm. how it went. I am looking forward to having some fun today? Wow I forgot what that used to feel like. It feels pretty good.Remember to thank your higher power today!
lp
Glad to hear you are hanging in there, it WILL get better! I know what you mean about getting out of the house, I look forward to going to the grocery store to get out of the house. I HATE not working. Do you mind if I ask what kind of work you are doing from home?
Today is another dreary day in Maine weather wise but I am still doing pretty good. I went out to the grocery store for the first time by myself today..I stopped and admired the wine display for a bit but luckily I picked a Walmart supercenter and they do not have Jack Daniels which is my favorite. Not sure I could walk by that if I was alone? but I was proud that I was able to walk past any alcohol. I went to see my grandmother who is dying from Lymphoma. It was really hard because she has declined so much recently. I wish I wasn't a nurse in this case. I wish I was like the rest of my family who is unaware of the dying process. It is hard, but I am very grateful to all my new friends who give me hope and help to get through it. I think the rest of the night is going to be pretty quiet ..talk to you all tommorrow.
lpRN13108 wrote:Today is another dreary day in Maine weather wise but I am still doing pretty good. I went out to the grocery store for the first time by myself today..I stopped and admired the wine display for a bit but luckily I picked a Walmart supercenter and they do not have Jack Daniels which is my favorite. Not sure I could walk by that if I was alone? but I was proud that I was able to walk past any alcohol. I went to see my grandmother who is dying from Lymphoma. It was really hard because she has declined so much recently. I wish I wasn't a nurse in this case. I wish I was like the rest of my family who is unaware of the dying process. It is hard, but I am very grateful to all my new friends who give me hope and help to get through it. I think the rest of the night is going to be pretty quiet ..talk to you all tommorrow.
The one thing you left out of your day is a meeting. In the four years I have been sober and JD was a favorite of mine as well I have gone to a meeting everyday! Some people ask me why I still go to meetings as it seems that I do so well I always answer with the question why do you still go to church after all these years? Meetings can be a tremendously uplifting experience especially when you are dealing with big challanges of early sobriety, family illness and yes even a cloudy day! It's also best not to test yourself by trips down the wine section - even today I don't go there - there's nothing I want there anymore.
Just do one day at a time - and if that get's too hard try minute by minute pretty soon those minutes become hours and then days and then weeks, months and years. Know that your weakness makes you human and that we are all brothers and sisters in this struggle.
thanks for the support. I work from home as a telephonic disease management nurse. We call people with Diabetes,kidney disease and CHF. I am lucky to still have a nursing job, but it is far from fulfilling my need to interact with pts, and perform hands on skills. It gets lonely being home all day alone, and my work has been very slow lately so we have too much downtime for studdying CEUs. Listen to me whining about my job, I am so sorry, I know it must be very hard not to work. How long til you can get your license back?
lp
Well the weather is finally sunny but now my mood has gone down the crapper. I'm trying to wean myself off ambien and switch to melatonin so needless to say I didn't sleep much last night. It was a very boring day. Layed around in bed watching tv and sleeping all day. The feedback I got yesterday was right..I definately need a meeting. I am going to go to the one down the street tonight. I like going to them and would go everyday but my husband and my kids don't like me to go off every night. Especially my dtr. I haven't gotten a sponsor yet because I know they will want me to go to a meeting everyday. I guess I haven't really started doing what I need yet..I'm still in people pleasing mode. Well I hope everyone else is having a better day than me.
To answer your question - I never actually lost my license because I voluntarily entered into the California Diversion program. My story is not much different thn that of others but suffice to say I was drinking huge ammounts of booze taking xanax, Ambien, benedryl, niquil, you name it. I actaully overdosed and ended up in the ER of the Hospital where I worked. No secrets anymore!
I was not allowed to work at all in nursing -for 9 months in fact I remember that when money was really tight my case mamanegr chearfully suggested I try pizza delivery. I went to work finally as an admissions nurse in a local mental health facility and have been there for close to three years. I no longer have any restrictions on my license and God willing I will be done with diversion on October 17 of this year. I'm not sure what I'm going to do after but am thinking of going into legal nurse consulting with my sister's law firm. I also might do some teaching.
deffinately getting too old for floor nursing or chasing psychotic people around the unit.
I am not longer required to go to meetings and I think I took a week off when that edict was lifted but quickly relized that meetings paid a huge role in my continued recovery. My advice to anyone dealing with the BON's of their state's ! Don't fight them, Do exactly what they tell you no matter how rediculous it sounds, and get used to reading labels and watching what you put into your body as false positives especially for alcohol will drive you crazy. Time will pass and you will get well and get back to a normal life.
Today is starting out angry. It started last night during the meeting while someone was talking about that nasty 4 letter word TIME! I have been having alot of trouble with feelings of anger lately. I feel like I have a ****ty life and if I am going to be forced to live it..I should be allowed to sedate myself in some way. The person was saying how difficult the first early days of sobriety were..I got some overwelmed with anger and frustration that I left in the middle of the meeting. Can anyone else relate to this overwelming anger during their early days of recovery? I am really struggling against my disease today!! i did reach out to a friend in AA for support though..am going to dinner and a meeting with her tonight. I am home alone working til 1230 and even though I don't like beer..my husband's beer in the frig is really calling to me today. Any encouraging words would be greatly appreciated.
do ANYTHING but drink!!(or drug) it will ONLY make things worse, TRUST ME!! I have been in and out struggling for 15 yrs, and I can tell you, your life will onnly get better if you stop putting drugs and alcohol in your body. In fact I GUARANTEE it will get better...give it a few months, if your life does not improve dramatically, then what have you lost? you can always go back to way the way yoou were, just give it a fair chance.
thanks! It helps to talk to people who know what I am feeling, and I am going to take you up on that GUARANTEE! I am trying really hard to get through this day without using. I think this is one is going to be by the minute. I was doing better than this last week..I think I am having withdrawal from ambien now or something..I was trying to get off it before I became addicted to that too. I got so tired and angry last night that I took benadryl(not good) to escape..I had abused it in the past! So I'm already going back to my old patterns of looking for instant relief from my feelings..not good.
Well Hello to All
I don't have much to say today. I went to a meeting last night but it really didn't help me much. I still feel very hopeless and lonely lately. I didn't work today because I couldn't stand to be in my house again. I went to spend the afternoon with my grandmother. Might go to a meeting tonight.
When I got clean and started a 12-step program, it was strongly suggested to me to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. I can say it wasn't always easy but I am so thankful I did. I developed a foundation that has helped me every single day in my recovery. Many days I use suggestions that I've heard at previous meetings but didn't necessarily use at that time. Really it's similar to nursing. We don't use all of our skills/knowledge at the time we learn/hear it but retain that information for the future.
I pray you find the capability to attend meetings to find support. So often I am lost for the words profound enough to encourage someone to attend meetings, etc. Personally speaking at the 'end of my road' I felt beat up-physically/mentally/spiritually. I felt the word "despair." I lost almost every thing and everyone that meant anything to me. I knew I was slowly commiting suicide however if I had 'killed myself'....I would have killed a stranger. I didn't even know myself any longer. At the end of my road if someone told me to 'stand in a corner, read the basic text and pray til we come back and you will stay clean, I would still be standing in the corner praying. I was desperate and I would have done anything, yes anything to get clean and find a new way to live. It wasn't easy at first but the bottom line is that I knew I was certain I could not 'use' one more minute of one more day and I would do whatever it took to change that. By the grace of God I have done it for 2 years, 2 months and 27 days....but not one of those days alone. Hugs.
I know what you are saying is right Sophie. I am so afraid to imagine that the reason I am feeling this anger and discontentment with sobriety is because I haven't hit my final bottom yet..as far as I can see the only thing lower than where I am right now is dead. I have already tried to kill myself but my husband got me to the hospital in time to save me. I am glad I am alive for my kids because I saw how devastated they were even though I survived. I can relate to you feeling like you had lost everyone and everything..I don't feel like I care about or connect with anything now. My friends,family,husband,nursing,self,AA,IOP I feel like I am alone in my world and all I think about is ways to make my feelings go away. I want to be the "old Laurie" but I don't even remember who she was. I feel like I am holding on to my life with 1 finger and all I can think about is what will happen if I let go. How could I not be ready to do ANYTHING to not feel this way anymore? I just don't know?
I am going to my IOP today and I think I am going to talk to my Dr. about a LOA from work for another month. Maybe if I'm not trying to focus on so much and I simplify life more..I will be able to think more clearly. In the last couple days I have started using benadryl as a way to escape the world and I know it is only a matter of time til I trade that back for drugs and alcohol if I don't do something to change the pattern. Thanks to all my new friends here!:confused:
Well today is a much better day in my world. My life is like a rollercoaster these days! I talked to my Dr. and took another LOA and I am really trying hard to get into working the program. I got a sponsor,and am going to try to do 90 meetings/90 days. I feel alot more hopeful about what kind of day I will have without drugs and alcohol. I went to a noon meeting with a new friend, then met another new friend for coffee and we chatted for over an hour. I haven't made new friends for so long, and it feels wonderful. I actually have people to call and things to do WoW! I am getting involved in our town's AA assembly weekend..not sure what it is exactly but I told my sponsor(yes I got one finally) I would do whatever she needs me to do to help with it. It feels good that I used my voice and spoke up when I was feeling overwelmed by trying to fit everything in to my schedule. Normally I would just keep ALL the obligations and be frantic,irritated and angry because people expected so much from me..but I would just do it anyway because I wanted people to like me. I realize that the reason people like or dislike me has nothing to do with schedule but everything to do with my attitude..so if I want people to like me I need to keep my life simple and manageable so I am a likeable person. Wow who would have thought after the lousy past few days I have had that I could actually learn a concept like that. Thank you all for being tolerable of my pity party in the last few entries, and thanks to those who gave support, without friends like you I would not be able to get through sobriety and start working toward recovery.
lpRN13108 wrote:Well today is a much better day in my world. My life is like a rollercoaster these days! I talked to my Dr. and took another LOA and I am really trying hard to get into working the program. I got a sponsor,and am going to try to do 90 meetings/90 days. I feel alot more hopeful about what kind of day I will have without drugs and alcohol. I went to a noon meeting with a new friend, then met another new friend for coffee and we chatted for over an hour. I haven't made new friends for so long, and it feels wonderful. I actually have people to call and things to do WoW! I am getting involved in our town's AA assembly weekend..not sure what it is exactly but I told my sponsor(yes I got one finally) I would do whatever she needs me to do to help with it. It feels good that I used my voice and spoke up when I was feeling overwelmed by trying to fit everything in to my schedule. Normally I would just keep ALL the obligations and be frantic,irritated and angry because people expected so much from me..but I would just do it anyway because I wanted people to like me. I realize that the reason people like or dislike me has nothing to do with schedule but everything to do with my attitude..so if I want people to like me I need to keep my life simple and manageable so I am a likeable person. Wow who would have thought after the lousy past few days I have had that I could actually learn a concept like that. Thank you all for being tolerable of my pity party in the last few entries, and thanks to those who gave support, without friends like you I would not be able to get through sobriety and start working toward recovery.
You have discovered one of the key principles to a great recovery which is that being of service helps us to be less self-centered and more other centered and we feel better. Keep listening to your sponsor - go to those meetings and work those steps things will get better.
I'm sorry I haven't updated for a few days. I hit a big dip in the rollercoaster in my life. I picked up again and went off for a couple days. I used a fight with my husband as a reason. I didn't use any of the tools I have learned , didn't call for help,and what is worse I lied to a new friend about why I couldn't meet with her. I know I screwed up but I am back to the program today. I spoke with my sponsor yesterday and told her everything..I went to 2 meetings yesterday. I was so dumbfounded at how much my disease had progressed in my 39 days sober..I became physically assaultive during this bender, which has never happened before. I have learned that I really am just an alcoholic and drug addict, I am no different from any other person with this disease, and if I don't learn ways to change my thinking and behavior so I can not pick up again..I will end up dead or wishing I was. I hope another new-comer will read this and remember to think the drink through BEFORE you take it..remember it is not just alcohol you are pouring in the glass but family,relationships,friends,jobs..we risk so much. I am lucky that this time my family was forgiving. Please pray for me to have continued acceptance of my disease and my powerlessness over it.
It is a snowy Wed. in Maine but I feel pretty good. I got up made breakfast, did my housework,took a shower,and now am off to spend time with my sick Grandmother. I am finding a huge difference in how I feel since simplifying my life by taking a LOA from work. I hope others remember to do what they feel is ok for them to do and not what the world thinks you should be doing. At this time in my life the few simple things I named above that I accomplished today is a big change for me..I can actually think clear enough to complete some daily tasks. What a difference from a few months ago. I use to start at least 5-6 tasks at once and forget about them all. I almost started a fire in my kitchen because I started cleaning my room and forgot I was also cooking. people would go to get their laundry and i would have forgotten to dry it. Lets all take a minute today to give ourselves a pat on the back for what we ARE able to accomplish today instead of what we can't.
This morning I started off with a feeling of loneliness. I get it often even when I am with others it feels like I am not connecting to them and am alone. Can anyone else relate to feeling this way? Well I don't want to fall into the same trap I did over the weekend of setting myself up to slip so I talked to a friend and made plans to meet today. I had such a good day yesterday that my sponsor told me to watch for the low to follow, and I guess I am starting to feel that today.
I started this thread so those of us in recovery could share our daily challenges and feelings, and lend each other support. I feel like I am always the one with the problems. I see many people read the thread. Please share some of your daily challenges too..you know how we nurses are we are in this field because we like helping people so lets help each other!
Good Morning to All
Haven't been here for a few days so let me give you a quick update:
I completed my IOP last Friday. I was excited to be "Free" but also scared that I have more time to be "free to do what I want". Actually this time feels different. Since I picked up a week ago I have a whole new respect for my disease and the power it has over me and especially my mind. I realize that I may want the drink at times but I NEVER want what comes with it..the crazy feeling in my head after, the family/relationship upsets,and the sad lonely feeling that follows. I have been getting more active and involved with my new friends in AA. I look forward to going to the meetings and learning more. I get up everyday and ask God for help to get through the day without using AND without being a dry drunk too. I want to learn to LIVE my life not just suffer through it sober. I am volunteering at my district's assembly for AA this weekend and look forward to the fun and laughs I am learning to have with people. I finally found a place where they understand me and the strange way I think and behave..and it feels so good to feel like I belong somewhere. Of course things are still not going my way most days, but I am learning to remind myself that this is a good thing because my way got me locked up out of control. Just for today may we all have some peace of mind!
I had another tough evening with the urge to drink on Thursday. I saw a Jack Daniels bottle in the Rite Aid pharmacy and it triggered my compulsion and obcession. Fortunately this time I did use the tools I was given, I called my sponsor who was not home, then I called a friend in AA and told her how I was feeling. I was driving home alone and did not trust myself not to stop and buy a bottle since there were 7 places on my way home where I could. She talked to me on the phone til I was home and then I went to sleep soon after getting home. The next morning I prayed for God to keep the obcession from me and I have not had that overwelming urge since. Weekends are especially hard for me because I live in the woods and there is nothing non-alcoholic to do. Does anyone else find the weekends more difficult? Do you have any suggestions about ways to pass the time? I mostly just sleep alot and I know that is not healthy for me.:33:
Hey all, I have been MIA from this site for a bit, but I am ok. Found out that I am pregnant at 40yrs old and have been in a bit of shock to say the least. I just started a new job and my first ob appt is april 1. The last thing in the world i want to do is tell my parents. Isn't that crazy, im 40 and afraid to tell my parents. I am on the 6th step and my sponsor says that is right where i am supposed to be. Caught in the struggle to be ok in everyone else's eyes, despite how i feel. I actually feel great. I am divorced, and have no intention of getting married ever again. I have a 10 year old daughter who is the love of my life and a boyfriend, who is also in recovery and we have been dating for 3 years. Yes I have been clean longer then that, not the 13th step all together. Anyway, he is thrilled, and so am I. I just feel like, once I tell them all of that "we are disapointed in you" thing will start again. They will question my every move,.. how could i think it is ok to have a baby at 40 when i am just getting my life back together. Maybe i am scared because i don't want to feel bad about my decision. When i was pregnant the first time, i was ****ed up. did not know i even was until about 4 months in and i was already shooting demerol etc at that time, and honestly i hated being pregnant because it got in the way of my using. I remember taking a pregnancy test and then shooting dope. I guess thinking, i could just make it all go away. I got fired in my 6th month, thank god, because if i had not, i would never have been able to stop using. My daughter was born healthy, thank god!!! I stayed away from drugs for almost 2 years and then it got bad, really bad. I have spent 3 years of my daughter's life either in rehab or living away from her trying to get my **** together. She and i have been living together for over a year now, my x and i divide the time, and there is no mess there, thank god, with him. we are friends now that we are divorced. Anyway, my daughter is totally happy, and my boyfriend and i are really looking forward to this. I just dont want to let my family's disappointment in me deflate all of my joy. needless to say, i have not told them, nor my x husband. i have until 3 months right? to make sure it is all a ok anyway. i don't know. i feel like an adult body (mostly) with that scared little girl mind sometimes, that does not want to continue to be judged and questioned and put down all the time. did I walk into that type of relationship with them because of my using and loosing it all, sure, but when does it get to end. I want it to end now, i do not want to be treated like the helpless, hopeless victim, i signed up to be in the past. I have been working very very hard for the past 4 years to build up my emotional teflon and be my own person. and i have been pretty ok, until now. i know u could say, why am i expecting the worst kind of reaction-but i know them, my boyfriend is not good enough, my job does not pay enough, all that kind of judgemental **** that rich hoitie toite parents say and brothers with perfect lives and perfect wives. I know i am free of addiction today, but i so very much wish i could not dread and fear and have to deal with the family ****. my way of dealing with it, is not dealing with it as long as i can. 9 months sounds good. love u all, thanks for being a friend who knows what life is like for us. xoxox jenn
Jenniferleigh, Congrats on your gift of life through a baby. To be honest with you, I'd wonder how to tell my parents the same thing! :) Maybe consider not having any particular expectation from your family. From what the basic text says having specific expectations in life can sabotage areas of our recovery. You are clean, in recovery, responsible and have a foundation to help you in any situation. Let us know when you feel the baby kick the first time. :) I will pray for you and your family. Hugs.
Wow Jenn I am sooooo excited for you. Talk about the blessings you recieve in recovery. I understand how you feel about telling your parents and fearing their reaction. I too feel like a scared,timid,needs rescuing little girl in a 37 yr old body at times. One thing I learned in my IOP is boundary setting. If this were me my boundary would be not letting anyone else's reaction to the news lessen my happiness even a tiny bit. you are getting a 2nd chance to share the child birth experience with someone you love. This time you are alert and aware and healthy and are going to remember all those special moments that you missed out on with your first pregnancy. When I am holding to my boundaries I keep my "**** screen" with me..I say whatever I need to in a non-accusatory,kind way and if people take offense, or ridicule me I hold up my screen and keep their words from hitting my heart. I tend to personalize everything everyone says and it doesn't take long for it to bring me way down, but if I use the screen I can see how there words are about them and their feelings and have nothing to do with me or who I am. So if your parents are not happy for you or start to put you or your boyfriend down..hold up your **** screen..say I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am very happy and wanted to share my news with you. I have to handle communication with my mother with boundaries at all times because our relationship is her controlling me with guilt over how my life decisions make her feel, and suffer..but my life decisions are just that..MY life decisions, that affect only my life. I have NO control over how my mother will react to things I say, but I do have power over how I react and allow myself to feel. Just remember that you are a responsible adult and don't let anyone take away the feeling of joy that you deserve to feel about your pregnancy.I am always hear anytime you need a friend
Has anyone else in early recovery find that they have a decreased interest in sex. My husband and I had a very healthy sex life when I was using but now it seems like when I gave up substances I gave up my interest and enjoyment in sex as well. I was sexually abused as a teen and am now feeling that discomfort again when my husband tries to touch me. I feel like I never really got over those feelings I just covered them with drugs and alcohol. I don't want to use anymore but I also don't want to be a 37 yr old woman who doesn't enjoy sex either. It is very hard for my husband because he is used to the old me, and I get upset with him for wanting sex often. Does anyone have any suggestions on ways to increase my libido again. I am going to talk to my therapist about it, but am hoping for something that can improve things more quickly than psychotherapy.
Good Morning All
Hope everyone is having a good day. Today is sunny here in Maine so that is always a mood booster. I have had a couple of down days but I think today the rollercoaster is climbing uphill a bit. I am back to work at home and days are long and boring, I have been feeling sorry for myself that I was forced to go back to work earlier than I wanted..this morning I realized that life is about more than just what I want,and I am lucky that I still have a job to help me provide for my family. Today is my 16th day sober since relapsing. I still can't believe I forgot that my disease almost killed me and I picked up again? How does someone forget something so significant? I guess that is why they say this disease is cunning,and baffling right? I still struggle with triggers to my addiction everyday as I am sure we all do, but I am learning to ask for help and accept that I have NO power to control this disease. I have always believed in God, but learning to have faith for something else to handle situations in my life is difficult for me..but I know that I have come to the end of the road if I don't let that happen.
Well I thought my dtr and I were making some real progress repairing our relationship. I felt like she was really coming to understand me and this disease..BUT again I was seeing the world in a distorted way! She verbally attacked me at a dinner at my friend's house. I was so hurt and embarassed I left as quickly after eating as I could. She let all her anger out again about my attempting suicide and forcing them to live together with my husband as a family even though she and her brother don't want to. I didn't really defend myself too much because I didn't want to lose control in someone elses home. I was so furious at that time and then by the time we arrived home 30 mins. later I was in tears and unable to speak the words to tell her that sometimes parents know what is best for the family and Dad and I are both getting help to repair our family together. I went into my bedroom to bring my husband his leftovers my friend sent. He left the room for a minute and I had to move his beer to put his plate down..I held it in my hand for a couple minutes..I wanted to drink it so bad but I stopped and realized that doing that would only make me feel worse later. I didn't use good coping skills all I did was take my sleeping meds and go to sleep..and when I woke up this morning..or should I say came to this morning it wasn't any better. I fell back to sleep and forgot to get my son up for school, then I started to work but couldn't concentrate. I talked to my sponsor for my daily update and then took a 2 hr nap, and I still don't feel any better. I wish I could learn not to let things people say go straight to the heart..especially with my kids. I am going to visit a friend and going to a meeting tonight so hopefully things will improve..until tommorrow remember this: [B]Man can Live for about 40 days without food, and about three days without water,and about eight minutes without air..but only for one second without HOPE! -Hal Lindsey
TGIF Everyone!
Well I had quite a night last night..thought I was just going to a womens meeting and having dinner with a few friends..but we ended up 30 women sitting in a bar and grill to eat dinner. They have alot more sobriety than I do and did not find it difficult to be there at all, but I had to sit on my hands to keep from jumping up and going to the bar to order a drink. I would have just removed myself from the situation but I was the driver for 2 other women so I couldn't. I didn't even really interact with the women I was with (most of whom I did not know) but instead took mental note of what each person in the bar area was drinking. I started remembering how much fun I used to have in the beginning when I could go to a bar and just have a couple to loosen up and have fun, then dance without a care as to who was watching or how I looked..I started to feel very angry inside..I did not want to be sitting here with these women trying to find joy in life..I wanted to be at the bar with the people who looked like they were really enjoying life! My friend commented at how uncomfortable she thought I was and that I looked angry, but I said I would be ok because I did not want her to feel bad about it. Finally 2 hrs after arriving we got to leave..the air outside was a welcome relief to the actual body discomfort I was feeling in the bar. Even just typing this I can feel stress in my neck and shoulders. I was relieved that we were out so late that all the stores I could buy at on my way home were closed..thank you HP. I got home and started with my whole distorted way of thinking..like maybe I can drink and have fun for a few more years til I turn 40 then I will go back to AA and live sober..I even told my husband I didn't know if I wanted to stop drinking anymore, but he said I would take the chance of losing everything I just found..and he was right! I just have to remember I want the drink, but with the drink comes chaos,anger,ruined relationships,financial problems,insanity, and loneliness..and I don't want that!
I am working only til noon today and then going to spend the afternoon with my grandmother and going to a meeting tonight so I feel positive right now. I always find it easy to feel positive when I have something to look forward to..even as a kid I can remember planning months in advance and really looking forward to things..unfortunately alot can happen between now and then and lots of times it was disappointing. I look forward to the time when I can wake up and feel positive that I woke up and have a peaceful day to live!!
lpRN~~ I felt your anxiety when I read your message today. I am a little confused....."womens meeting"....you mean an AA group of women or just 'friends women's group. When I perceive uncomfortable feelings (and we all know what that is) I consider it like a 'code 99'.....I better run like h*ll and get help. Honestly that is how I view it. I immediately remove myself and if necessary call someone in the program. I'll never forget the first time I went to a wedding reception and had WATER in my champagne glass, I developed a knot in my stomach and felt panic. I had to leave. I was taught some very important rules during my recovery. #1-change my "playgroud" (and playmates). A bar is certainly a NO-WAY playground for me. For a long time I didn't walk down the liquor isle and sometimes I still don't. I also heard a saying in the beginning: If you sit in the barber shop long enough you're going to get a hair cut. Your disease doesn't want just a haircut, it want's you to suffer and ultimately die. I don't even know you but I care about you. Please, never put yourself in that situation again. Hugs.
Thanks Sophie for all your support. It was a womens' AA meeting that I attended and then went to eat with them. I "ass..umed" that it would be a safe thing for me to do since they were all AA women,but unfortunately my assumption was wrong. What it taught me is to remember that even though people are in AA we are all in diff. levels of recovery. Someday when I have more sobriety and have begun actual recovery it may be fine for me to be able to sit in a bar and just enjoy being around nice people enjoying dinner, but at this point it is definately a code 99 for me and I have to learn to be able to speak up and do what is best for me. I stayed there because I was giving 2 other women a ride, but I know that one of the other women would have been willing to do that for me ..If I Had Only Asked For What I Needed!
I miss you and we don't even know each other. you and sophie are truly great people and great friends. I almost have 3& 1/2 years clean and i always feels uncomfortable in a restaurant where there is alot of drinking. especially in the bar area, which ironically is the only place you can smoke,if you can at all. i used to do some of the going out to dinner stuff but for the most part i hated it and just wanted to leave and did not like being around alot of people i really did not know that well. my first all womens meeting-i cried when i left because i hated being there with all those miserable women. i personally like co-ed meetings. im sure there is great recovery in womens meetings but i do not like it there. not because of the "they call u out on your **** thing, but because i just have never liked being in large groups of women. i personally am more of a loner type. not many major friends. great relationship with my 3 sponsees and my sponsor and have a couple of gals that i call on a pretty regular basis, and you guys. anyway about the bar, i feel your discomfort. i never did the car pool thing for the very reason that i always needed an escape plan. given your recent run in with the etoh, i would recommend like sophie did to stay as far away from anything alcohol related as possible. it concerns me that your husband is still drinking around you. have you asked him not to drink in the house or not to bring etoh in the house. it would just be too easy to pick up. that is my opinion, not a judgement. as for your daughter, god is that hard. like we dont feel guilty and shamed enough. kids have a way of cutting to the deep places quicker then most. all they think in their minds is that we didnt care about them enough to want to live. just remember that they dont understand the prison we were in. the thing that helped my daughter and i was i took her to meetings with me. the would draw or play with one of the other kids her age, doing art etc and then would circle up at the end. this enabled her to be included in my recovery and not in my disease. just a suggestion. i was very honest with gabby about everything. even the part about seeing her as an orange cone in the road of me following through on killing myself. i made a deal with her that she could always be honest with me about how she feels and vice versa. i remember when i had been away for a while, one day we were driving and she said that she missed the "fun mom." the one jacked out on oxy euphoric or irritated as hell i guess. it hurt because i wanted her to like the clean mom, but she really didnt know the clean mom and nor did i. now things are great, we still get *****y at times of course but our relationship has really blossomed. only through first and foremost me staying clean, being honest, being patient and being a good listener and trying to be the parent and not the child. tough stuff, but it can be done. your daughter said those things in the presence of other people because she knew you could not retaliate out of where you were. i would also recommend a child psychologist if that is possible, because all they think is that they are not good enough for us to care about living. they think it is somehow thier fault that we are/were miserable and that if we wanted to die then it must be because we-the kids-are a dissappointment. sad but true my friend. just remember what u said to me about the sheild. let your daughter say what she needs to , and just respond with, i am so sorry i hurt you, mommy was very sick and could only think of stopping her pain, it had nothing to do with you. you are a blessing and i love you with all my heart,mommy just needs to learn to love herself in order to be the person, mom, wife whatever that you were meant to be. you did not want to kill yourself because of them. you just wanted the pain to stop. and let her know it is ok if she is mad, but just keep telling her you love her no matter what. and remind her that there are some things that she does that make you mad but you will always love her no matter what, and you would like the same kind of respect. pain is always under anger. and pain is what we all fear the most. xoxoxoox Jenn ps 6 and 1/2 weeks and feeling good. told my little bro and he is thrilled-set up boundries from the start with him and he actually respected them. imagine that . baby steps other bro and dad are much later to come, but that is all ok w/ me. all my love and i think about you guys all the time, i am serious. i am in your corner and i know u are in mine. xo j
Hey thanks for the support and wisdome Jenn. It is so nice to have people to talk to who ACTUALLY DO understand what I'm going through. I value the friendship and support on this site so much..that is the first thing I do when I log in to my work computer is log in to this site and see if there are any new messages.To naswer your question about my husband having beer in the house..he asked me when I first got home from the hospital and at that time I wasn't really having any urges or cravings and I don't even like beer so I said it didn't bother me for him to have it..but now that I am off the "pink cloud" of sobriety it does bother me and I just haven't spoken up and asked him not to.
I am glad you were able to share your news with at least some of your family, just remember not to let anyone cross your happy boundary..there issues with your life choices are just that..THEIR ISSUES! I am thrilled for you and can't wait to hear all the updates about how your pregnancy is progressing.
Laurie
Well it is definately Monday. I woke up this morning and my first thought was yep here we go again..same life different day. I tried working for about 30 mins. this morning but couldn't keep my mind focused at all. My house is a good display of my mental state this last week. It is piled with stuff everywhere..I am back to not even thinking about keeping it organized until it is bedtime and I realize that I never washed any clothes all weekend. I am back to feeling useless,worthless,and purposeless today. I'm even too tired to think about wanting a drink..just want to sleep.
Did you drink/drug today? Did you shower, eat, get dressed? Please give yourself credit for the positive things you are doing. Don't be so hard on yourself. Easy does it, and all that. Try to get to a meeting, call another woman in the program, read the literature. I remember early sobriety, and how painful it was. I was my worst enemy. Others weren't judging me, I was. Here is a link to the program that helps me daily. I read your posts everyday, and you are helping so many with your honesty. Have a better day. 12Step.org for Sobriety, Strength and Serenity - Home
Thank You for the kind words. Yesterday was very bad but I did not drink. Unfortunately I did not do anything else either. I was too tired mentally to be awake..I took 2 extra doses of my seroquel during the day so I could stay asleep. I know that is giving in to my addictive behavior but I just didn't have the strength to do anything else. I will check out the website you gave me above thanks again.
So today is day 22 of my sobriety and it is a little better than yesterday. I am up working at my computer anyway. I got an e-mail from my boss that she needs me to go see my PCP and get a note about the time I have missed last week and yesterday..YUCK! I have not seen him since I OD'd on the pills he prescribed for me..should be a fun lecture I'm sure..and if he won't give me the note I need for missing time due to illness..I will be fired!! So I'm already feeling anxious,angry and resentful this morning..but at least I'm feeling something. I felt nothing yesterday. I was talking with my husband over the weekend about selling our house and moving to Massachussetts..I was looking for another geographic cure for how I am feeling I guess. He said NO we have tried moving many times and it doesn't help you at all with how you feel. Wow I think he is starting to pay attention to me a little? I have an appt. with my therapist today and a meeting with my home group tonight..hopefully I will have strength and willingness to attend..talk to ya all tommorrow..May God Bless Us All Today!
Happy Humpday Everyone
Yesterday did turn out to be a better day. The visit to the PCP office was not as bad as I thought it would be. He didn't lecture me at all instead he told me that I was not the only one of his pts. with chronic lyme disease to attempt suicide. He said that because I had lyme meningitis I have permanent damage to my brain because of the infection and psychiatric illness are very freq. seen. He increased my zoloft and gave me lidocaine patches to replace the vicodin I used to take for pain. He sounded so genuine when he said he was sorry this disease had struck me at such a young age but these are the symptoms that I have to live with for the rest of my life now and i need to make sure that i and those around me are watching for any changes in my behavior. Wow if I worried everytime I had a change in behavior..it would be constant as you all know from reading my daily updates. Everyday is a diff. Laurie.
I saw my therapist after my MD visit and that helped alot. Then I did attend the meeting with my home group and that was good too. Today is starting off kinda rough because I didn't take my seroquel last night so I didn't sleep more than a couple hours, and I had the pain in my head and neck from the lyme. I tried the lidoderm patch but didn't see any relief at all. I am going to get down on my knees and ask God to take me through the day..that is my new philosophy because there are so many things going on in my life medically,psych,work,financially,relationships that if i try to handle them alone I will go crazy again..so I am just going to get up in the morning and ask God to deal with it for me..I'm pretty sure that is my only hope of survival at this point!
Also here are some other support websites I gave me earlier myRECOVERYspace Drug & Alcohol Treatment & Rehabilitation Center - Call for help - 800-784-4791 12Step.org for Sobriety, Strength and Serenity - Home
May we all be guided by a power greater than our addictive selves today!
Good Morning All
Today is my 24th day of sobriety and it is not starting out too bad. I asked God to take over as soon as I woke up and some good things have happened already.I had a quality review with my boss and found out that my pay scale was increasing so that was a nice surprise. I have no thoughts for alcohol yet today, but I do wish I could take vicodin to get rid of my head and neck pain. I know that is no longer an option for me and I have accepted it so I am trying other things. I am open to any pain management suggestions you all have too. The lidoderm patches do not seem to help much, and heat and ice are so short lived relief, but enough whining about my aches and pains. I found this online 12 step daily journal on the website 12step.org for sobriety,strength and serenity..I started yesterday writing out the 1st step..those who had suffered because of my using. It was painful to see in writing how many people I had hurt..people that you don't think about until you are listing anyone who you lied to,stole from,avoided etc. I couldn't believe how long my list ended up being, but it was a good way for me to keep accountable for my behavior. Check out the website and you download the journal free..if anyone does and can't figure out how to get the daily step on there..let me know and I can explain how. I hope we all have a Good Day!
TGIF Everyone!
Today is a nice sunny day in Maine, not quite as warm as I like but we are supposed to hit 50 so should be nice. I am feeling very happy today..which scares me a little. Whenever I get on the pink cloud I am usually heading straight into a storm. I only work til noon today then go do some scrapbooking with my grandmother. I look forward to that because I never know how much time I have left to spend with her since her cancer is progressing rapidly. Then we are going to celebrate my other grandmother's 83rd b-day, then I'm off to a meeting. Tomm. my husband is taking me away to a nice hotel to relax in the hot tub..who wouldn't love that right? So I have all this fun planned and here I am worrying about how I MIGHT feel afterward. I usually get a sense of let down and loneliness after I do something really fun..but I have to remind myself to just think about today..and even that is up to my higher power. I probably won't update again until Monday, but I will let you know how my plans turned out. Remember to Love Yourself this Weekend!
Well I was right about that nervous worried feeling. I thought I was feeling that way because I was going to feel a let down after all the "fun" was over..actually in hindsight now I think I was feeling anxiety because I didn't feel like I was ready to go out of my safe zone for a weekend. Well I was right on both counts. My husband and I went to a nice resteraunt for dinner but there was a 20 min. wait..we were in line in front of the bar..I was watching people go get drinks for about 10 mins. when I told him I wanted a drink. He tried to talk me out of it for a few mins..I started getting a bit angry and he finally gave in and said I could only have a glass of wine. Well of course when I got up to the bar to order I ordered a Jack and Coke. Then I was off and running..3 glasses of wine with dinner..and 2 bottles back at the hotel. I embarassed my husband and ruined the getaway. I woke up at 2am from a blackout drunk lying naked in an empty hot tub..my husband said he couldn't wake me to get into the bed and he was afraid I would drown while he slept. Next day he was telling me some of the things I did and I was mortified. We went down to the lobby for breakfast and I was ashamed, wondering if any of the other guests recognized me. Spent all day Sunday in bed at home..feeling like an uncontrollable child. I am so afraid that if I am honest about my 2nd slip I will lose all my new friends,and my sponsor. I hope you all will still want to talk to me after this. I really do want to change, but do I have to not have a life besides going to meetings everyday to do it? If anyone has any advice for me I'm listening.
Talked to my sponsor..she said she can't help me and I should probably look into a 30 day program. I can't do that because I have to work so what the hell am I supposed to do now. I can't go to the meetings I usually go to and face her and my other AA friends that I have let down..with my one stupid night I have wrecked about 6 friendships that really meant alot to me.I must actually be brain damaged and the drs. just haven't figured it out yet to keep being this stupid again and again. I have no idea what it is going to take to make me do this right?
Although I don’t respond often I do read your posts daily.There are a couple of things I feel are the main causes of your problem. I hope you are ready to hear this.
First let me say that you remind me a lot of myself. I drank and used various substances for 30 years finally getting sober at the age of 40. I had tried to quit drinking before but I never had my priorities straight. Finally when I OD’d on booze and Benadryl and ended up in Diversion. I had to make a decision to live or continue dying. I went into a treatment program and the first thing the counselor asked me was what the ten most important things in my life were. I don’t remember all of them now but I do remember saying my son, my marriage and my career as well as my animals and my house. Never mind that I had allowed one of my dogs to starve to death while I was in my disease.
My counselor then asked where I placed my recovery/sobriety on my list because he said if I didn’t make that the most important thing I would lose everything else in time.
Like I said I hope you are ready to hear this but here goes – I hear a lot of self pity and resentment in your posts – that’s not so strange for such is the normal state of the active alcoholic. We live off our resentment and discontent; we eat,breath and sleep it. Often it’s the last thing we have left and we are not about to give any of it up.
You posts are not the post of someone trying get sober they are the posts of someone struggling to to stay dry! There is a very big difference!
You have to get real and understand that you can Never drink alcohol safely again. You will never be able to stop at just one! Two you must start working a program. Going to one or two meetings a week is not enough. You need to get a hard core, kick you in the butt sponsor go to 90 meetings (or more) in 90 days and start working those steps immediately. This is your life you are playing with. Your life will never be what you now consider normal again – but it will be wonderful. I don’t know what your husband does but he sounds like a pretty good guy. Mine dropped me off on a street corner in Skid Row and said “If this is the life you want have at it.” I was faced with losing my home marriage and son. You need to realize that you will lose that job eventually so take a leave of absence and get treatment now. If you are being monitored by any BON you are headed for inpatient treatment anyway so you might as well beat them to it. We went 50,000 dollars in debt for my treatment and it was the best money we ever spent. That was to be a trip of a lifetime to Europe and Tahiti but if I never see those places outside a book I don’t care. Do what ever you have to do to get into treatment now. Stop all non-essential spending – no cable, no restaurants, no trips nothing until you get a solid foundation in you recovery – as you work your program all of you resentment, anger, self pity and fear will melt away, you will feel a freedom that you have never felt before. Read the promises on page 83 of the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous. Quit trying to work your steps on web pages and start working with a sponsor now. You life and everything you love depends on it. I hope you make the right decisions and get the treatment and help you need. If the Board remands you to inpatient they won’t accept “I have to work” or “I can’t afford it” I’ve know people who sold their houses to afford treatment. You’ll end up losing your license. Then where will you be” Just another gutter level drunk like I was. Don’t kid yourself; we are all just gutter level drunks in the end. Once we accept what we are we can be free to get well. If this shakes you up good! It’s supposed to. It’s time to get real or die. I hope you make the right choice.
Happy ending so far but it never really ends - My husband and I are still together my son is happy and healthy, We are building the kind of life I never dreamed possible and you can too!
You may not see me but I am always here? If you need help or encouragement just send out a message to Hppygr8ful and I will answer.
thanks for your honesty. I know you are trying to help save me from myself. I am not being monitored by any BON because I was put into treatment after a suicide attempt. No work involvement. I'm just not sure what I am going to do yet. I will try to keep updating daily.
Contrary to popular belief you don't need to be stealing drugs or impaired on the job to come to the attention of the state board of Nursing. I too tried to kill myself and nearly succeeded. I was never drunk at work, never stole from the hospital never, never had a drunk driving etc... but came to the attention of the board due to my depression and suicidal ideation which is was felt at the time made my unable to safely practice my profession. Though Board Monitoring is a pain it is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I cont wish you luck because luck has nothing to do with sobriety but I will hope that you find peace and serenity to make the necessary decisions.
I was not aware that they could still discipline me without my situation being related to work. I don't want to put any pts in harms way but I don't feel like I could really hurt anyone by giving advice on phone. Maybe I'm wrong? I have been thinking seriously about the response you gave me a couple days ago. I don't know if I have come to that desperate point I need to want sobriety more than anything else..I know I don't want to hurt my family..but I don't drink in front of any of them. My husband over the weekend but not anymore. I was mixing Xanax and vicodin and alcohol before..I think that is what caused my insanity. I am not doing that now..I just need the relaxed feeling I get with a couple drinks. I don't know what else to do right now! Thanks to All!
Bottom line, if you have an alcohol problem you cannot drink at all (even if you don't do it in front of anyone else!). Justifying it by saying you're not mixing it with other drugs anymore, or that it won't hurt your family if you don't do it in front of them is just an excuse, and not a very good one.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you really want to get serious about getting healthy and sober, you need to get into a 12 step program and really work it- that means getting a sponsor who is going to be on you butt, and not making excuses or rationalizing your behavior....
Laurie, please hang on. Call your counselor, or someone. This disease almost killed me more than once. I should not be here, and I am thinking you should not either, but you are. Why? I believe I am still on this earth for a purpose. I may never know why, but I want to make the most of it. I wish I knew the right thing to say to you, but right now, I just don't, but I wanted to give you some hope.
Please read "The age of miracles", by Marianne Williamson.
I thank you guys so much for caring. I am just getting pounded from every direction and I don't feel like I want to keep fighting anymore. Yesterday I found out that my job is being downsized in May. I don't think there is any other kind of nursing job I can do with my health problems..not even counting my addiction. My husband's job is also ending this month and our future is looking very bleak. I know those are not good enough excuses to drink but I just feel like I need to escape from the reality of it all for a while..I hate waking up in the morning and thinking what will happen next to wreck our lives more? I can't even afford the co-pays at the moment to see my counselor and my new friends from AA don't want to talk to me now..so I am back to just me and my husband. I know he is comfortable with the Laurie he knows well..easy going,fun,exciting sexually..so for now I will go back to being her
If you all don't want me to keep updating daily anymore just let me know..I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone elses recovery.
Going back to the "old Laurie" doesn't seem to be very wise- ask yourself:
How has the "old Laurie" done with life so far?
It does not seem that the "old" you has been doing so hot, so if you want your life to change, you need to start with yourself. The saying goes:
"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."
If you want better things for yourself, you need to make some changes. Going back to the "old" you isn't the answer. Changing yourself is hard and you have to really want it. Maybe you haven't hit enough of a rock bottom yet- but it sounds like you're headed that way. It's not too late to turn it around.
I am not an addict or alcoholic, so I cannot speak from experience, but I do know that you NEED to make drastic changes in your life. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll keep us updated, and I pray that you will find recovery...
lpRN13108 wrote:I was not aware that they could still discipline me without my situation being related to work. I don't want to put any pts in harms way but I don't feel like I could really hurt anyone by giving advice on phone. Maybe I'm wrong? I have been thinking seriously about the response you gave me a couple days ago. I don't know if I have come to that desperate point I need to want sobriety more than anything else..I know I don't want to hurt my family..but I don't drink in front of any of them. My husband over the weekend but not anymore. I was mixing Xanax and vicodin and alcohol before..I think that is what caused my insanity. I am not doing that now..I just need the relaxed feeling I get with a couple drinks. I don't know what else to do right now! Thanks to All!
"At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink, our so-called will-power becomes practically non-existent. We are unable at certain times, to bring to our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense againt the first drink"
Ask you self when was the the last time that you were able to sit down a enjoy a drink, just one or perhaps even two and stop at that. I would bet you would be hard pressed to remeber when you actually enjoyed drinking. For most of us , if we are honest with ourselves, using our drug of choice ceased to be enjoyable a long time time ago. We drink to forget, to escape the problems of everyday life. We seek the sense of "Ease and comfort that comes with the first drink." Escape by definition means to get away to place a of safety. When you drink to "escape" you are not escaping only hiding from the inevitable. There are certain promises that are true for all alcoholics and addicts who work the program
"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness, we will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the meaning of serenity and know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole outlook and attitude upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffel us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
Does this not describe how you would want to feel if only yoy could - you can. I want for you what I have and what so many others have found. Don't give up and don't go away. The fellowship is always here for you. Don't believe for a minute that your new friends in AA don't still love you and want to help - they just don't want to hear excuses they want to hear accountability from you. Nothing puts a drink in your hand and makes you drink it. Only you can do that. If you do nothing else get a hold of a Big Book of Alcoholic's Anonymous and Start reading. You just may find the answer you are seeking - If you find nothing there at least it will cure your insomnia - (AA HUMOR)
Well you are exactly right. There is no enjoyment in my drinking at all anymore. Since picking back up on Sat..just 6 days ago..I require at least a pint of whiskey a day to be functional. I tried just having 1 or 2 drinks to relax but before I know it the pint is gone and sometimes if it's too early in day I have to go out and get more. My compulsion is much stronger than I remember it being. I have also started having a couple cigs daily (something I swore I would never do) to try to calm my body. I feel myself spiraling down again..my husband is already getting upset because I have schnaupps in my coffee. I don't think my kids have noticed yet but I am sure if I don't stop soon they will.
Today is usually my favorite day because I get to go see my grandmother..I told myself yesterday that I would not drink so I can have a good visit with her and take her out for a ride. I woke up at 2am and had just what was left in yesterday's pint, but then I wasn't feeling too good around 6am again so I added some schnaupps to my coffee. I really didn't want to drink today but my body is already becoming dependant again and I needed it to feel just normal and functional. I now know that what I have heard in meetings about going back out being worse then before is true. I know I am heading for disaster but I don't think I can do anything to stop it..I think about AA and my friends there and here and I feel so sad that I messed all that up.:cry_smile:
This iis the earliest I have ever posted before. I am up again at 2am so I figured I would give you an update.I woke up because my alcohol level in my blood dropped and my body woke me to get more. I went outside for a couple shots of whiskey and a cig. Now the shakes and nausea are gone but I am awake so I thought I would write to you all my friends. I may really need an inpatient program Amanda but I can't take the time right now. I only have a job for 1 month anyway so then I will get some help I guess or whatever I need. This has progressed so quickly again..from a pint a day to feel "normal" to now a 1/2 gallon a day and a couple cigs. My nice visist with my grandmother ended up being a confrontation with my mother instead so that really sucked but at least I did get to see my Gram.
We went to watch my nephew in a woomsmens contest for his school today, but I ended up embarassing my husban by talking to his brother when I was smelling like whiskey. Oh well I did NOT let myself get to the point of oblivion..I just have to keep a certain level or I shake and feel really nauseous. I am not trying to bring anyone down with this post..you all just wanted me to keep you updated on how I was doing so I am..if this post bothers anyone or you want me to stop posting for a while PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me..I will understand!:26:
Please do not wait until it is "convenient" for you to get help! This is your life you're talking about! If you are waiting for the "right time" I guarantee you it will never come- you will always find a reason to put it off until its too late.
I don't think you need to stop posting here- if we are just one more group of people encouraging you to get help, then that would be a good thing...
Well I'm back among the living today.1 Day of white-knuckle sobriety yesterday. Still feeling nauseous and headache but not like I want to die! In just 10 days of binge drinking I was right back where I was on Jan. 31..only this time I heard the supportive words from my new friends telling me I was worth more than feeling this way. Thank You all so much for not throwing me away because I was drinking again. I had doubts before that alcohol was what made me feel suicidal because I was taking xanax and my alcoholism told me that it was that not the alcohol, but now I KNOW that is not true..I am an alcoholic and it will kill me quickly if I pick up the first drink. I have to learn to be happy and contented with the new me, not angry because I can't be the old me anymore. I saw her recently..she was unshowered,sick,angry,weepy and crazy..I don't want her living with me anymore. I'm not saying this is all of a sudden easy but I know it is my only choice if I want to live and help my kids to grow. I am going to a meeting today, and have already chosen someone I think would be a good sponsor for me. When I was up at 2am the other morning I re-read through all my posts..I realized that I started planning to drink several weeks before I actually did. For all of you who have become such good friends to me on this site..I ask that you be honest with me if you hear self-pity,anger,resentment, or any other "warning" signs in my words. I don't want to go back where I was again.
I love you Laurie, and am so relieved to read your post. I have been where you are, more than once. It took me going back to the bottle before I was convinced that I was an alcoholic. It wasn't until I put recovery FIRST in my life that I "got it". I have to follow the AA program exactly as suggested for my "thinking" to change. It was very humbling to walk back into AA and re-establish my sobriety date, but it is what I needed to do. I have to be honest with myself before I could be honest with others. Until my ego was shattered, I could not rebuild my life. I am so grateful to have a higher power that wants me to be the best person I can be.
Laurie, you will often hear 'One drink is too much, and several are not enough.' This is so true. A co-worker of mine has been on the road to recovery for the past 25 years, and can tell you it is not easy, but it is a neccesity. The feelings you have are all part of your continued road to recovery. We WILL be here. 'Cat'
Good Morning to all. It is a very warm sunny day already in Maine.I am awake,more alert and sober for 2 days!! I am so grateful to not be where I was. I still definately feel the stress and tension in my body though. I have really learned quite alot about myself and my body since going on this bender. I had to make a trip to the dump yesterday and I put my not empty whiskey bottle in the trash..I never realized that whenever I am being triggered to feel a compulsion to drink My neck gets very tense and uncomfortable..I used to think this was Sx. caused by my Lyme disease but I have since realized that they are related to my addiction.For a few moments I actually had the thought that I could get the bottle back out of the trash and it would still be good because it is sealed..YUCK!! After I threw the bottle away and started back down the road the tense feeling and anger was still there so I asked God to remove the feeling of compulsion and thoughts of alcohol from me..and before I realized it I was relaxing and enjoying the radio. I went to visit a friend who is also struggling in the program..she has not picked up again YET but she is very close I'm afraid..before I got there I decided I would go to a meeting in her area when I left even though I know she does not want to go to AA right now..so I got the directions from her and I left..as I started toward the meeting I all of a sudden got that stiff feeling in my neck and felt a bit nauseous even..then the thought..well no one will miss you if you don't go to that meeting..you have already been to one today and you really aren't feeling up to it tonight..after all you have put your body through alot in the last 10 days..don't push yourself too hard! Well the good news is I realized that the thoughts and feelings I was having of not wanting to go to the meeting meant I really NEEDED to go..so I went, and as soon as I arrived the Sx. were almost completely gone. I hope to continue to learn more about me and my body and stay sober and hopefully begin real recovery this time.thanks to all of you..I'm not sure I would have made it back if it weren't for the support of my friends!:rose:
TGIF everyone. Well today is not perfect, but then again it doesn't have to be does it. My body is still feeling the morning effects of my drinking..when I woke up this am it almost felt like I had a hangover..I had heard people in my IOP talk about that feeling but have never personally experienced it until now. But instead of going to bed and hiding I said"what is a healthy thing to do for yourself?" So I read some of my courage to change book by Dennis Wholey..and ate a healthy breakfast. I know that what I want to do and what I need to do are usually opposite so I am trying really hard to stick to what I need to do. I am going to spend the afternoon with my Gram and do some scrapbooking today. I usually love that but I had to go to funeral home the other day and discuss my grandmother's arrangements and she suggested a photo display at her service..so now whenever I think of the scrapbook I picture it in front of her casket:cry_smile:but I know that she really loves spending time with me looking at her old pictures and that is all that is important right now. Tonight is my home group meeting which I am really looking forward to. I have a new sponsor already in mind and am hoping she will be there. I spoke with my old sponsor yesterday and she was very loving and excited to hear from me..not the cold,heartless,_itch I had decided she was when she didn't enable my drinking recently.
I have already asked for help today from my higher power for myself and all of you as well..Have a Great Day!
Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.Day 6 of sobriety for me. This is usually a very diff. time for me, but this weekend is going ok. I got a new sponsor at the noontime meeting yesterday and she started me right in working on the 1st step today.She has me reading Daily Reflections Book starting from January 1 and writing a gratitude list and how the reading relates to my life. I really feel like I am starting to "work" the program now and I met 2 other nurses at yesterday's meeting..1 who also suffers from chronic Lyme disease as I do so that was good too. I hope you all having a good day also:present:
Hello All
Day 7 in sobriety has started out pretty diff. I had pain and seizures thru the night last night. Not sure if it is result of my alcohol withdrawal or my Lyme disease, but regardless of the cause it really stinks. Now I am trying to work my home nsg. job and I can barely think. My speech is a little slow from the seizure and my head and neck are really hurting. All I want to do is give up,log off and go to bed..but I know that will not be the better choice for me since isolating just makes things worse and has led me back to drinking for relief in the past. I already felt worn out before the meeting last night..I had that terribly uncomfortable feeling I got in the first week of sobriety last time and I wanted to leave, but I didn't. I got up and walked around a bit..took my jacket off to try to increase my comfort..wrapped my arms around myself in a self-hug position and asked for help to keep me through the entire meeting. I would like to say that having accomplished that I felt alot better and really got alot out of the meeting, but I still didn't. The important thing I'm told is to bring the body and the mind will follow..so that's what I did. I will do whatever I am told today to keep me from a drink.:33:
well just a quick afternoon update..since the morning was a downer. I had a meeting at work this morning for everyone to discuss how they were feeling about our program ending and the new positions they were taking..I was so mad why the h_ll would my boss invite me to that meeting when she knows the only place I am headed for work is disability..I can't do any of the other work in the company because of my seizures. The meeting ended about 1100 and I was so angry and full of self pity that I HAD to get to a meeting..I went to the noon meeting and I got what I needed. We talked about today's daily reflection reading about responsibility and humility..I saw friends who truly care about me and I went to see my cousin who also is struggling with the disease. I went there because he always sees me when I am on top of my game but never has seen me when I am just a desperate drunk like him. He was very supportive and said he never realized that I had a hard time to..so I also felt like I was doing something my higher power was guiding me to. He is going to a meeting with me tonight too so that is another good outcome..I am glad I did what you all tell me to do and went to a meeting.:)
Laurie, I wish you the strength to stay sober one day at a time.
My kid brother is currently in detox again. Alcoholism is such a frustrating disease because there isn't a quick cure. It is something you do have to deal with one day at a time. But you can do it, just keep putting one sober foot in front of the other, time after time, and you will make it.
I have now spent the past hour reading this thread from the beginning; and thought I would share some of my personal life with you.
I am unable to drink; but not because of alcoholism; it's because alcohol is a POISON to my body. One drink and I wake up the next day with a serious hangover; 2 drinks and I spend the whole next day puking my guts out. However, m father, a sister and both of my brothers are alcoholics, as is my stepmother and at least one of my half-siblings. On my mothers side, I had 2 uncles and an aunt who were hard-core alcoholics and 1 uncle who was like me: he puked his guts out over 1 or 2 beers. That uncle told me that ALL of us are in the same boat: alcohol is a poison to all of us. It just reacts different to some of our metabolisms than others.
I am a firm believer in nutrition; and recommend that you see a nutritionist for a diet and a list of supplements to control the symptoms of the Lymes disease and also the alcoholism. You need a decent diet and a whole **** load of vitamins to counteract the nutritional deficiencies that the alcoholism has caused. Even if you can just replace the B vitamins, take extra Vitamin C, and supplement the calcium and magnesium, you will feel better.
Think about it: in the hospital, what is the first (non-sedative) thing they give alcoholics? Thiamine.
Laurie, don't play the fool; please get some treatment. You will feel 100% better.
So glad to hear that you are hanging in there and have found a sponsor that has you started on working the steps. Remember "the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step!" There is so much more to sobriety that just white knuckling it along. I have meant to ask what your seizure Disorder is related to as I have not heard of this symptom related to lyme disease. Are you taking seizure medications? Have you consulted with an infectious disease specialist. I have a friend who had Lyme and she suffered for several years before going to a teaching hospital where she was finally properly treated with long term IV antibiotics. I want to suggest to you that Jenny is right about treatment. So often we do not seek treatment saying we can't afford it when in reality we can't afford not to as our very lives depend on it. Remember as you work your steps that your Higher Power will do for you what you or no pill on earth can do for yourself. Life in sobriety is hard but nobody said life would be easy -you learn that life depends on balance to meet the challanges head on and allow you to pick yourself up when you don't win and celebrate each day as a victory in and of itself. I will be gone for a couple of days to spread my dad's ashes
but wish you good things and lots of hard step work.
Hello Everyone sorry I haven't posted for a couple days, but I am doing ok. I have 10 days sobriety today and have been doing really well with my new sponsor, but I am really having a tough bout with my Chronic Lyme Disease. it's funny you say that about nutrition Jenn because that is pretty much exactly where my thoughts are..I have also been thinking about taking the herbal supplement Noni. I am pretty sure that this bout with seizures is because of the H_ll I put my body through on my last binge. To answer your question about seizures connected to Lyme..There are many diff. strains of Lyme bacteria..and the one I had causes Lyme Meningitis..and also the same chronic conditions that can follow other bacterial meningitis. I have what appear to be seizures from looking at them and feeling them..but Drs. cannot detect them on EEG. My PCP was reluctant to tell me they were the Sx. of CLD until he had 2 other people present with same Sx. When they occur my eyes roll up and I feel this extreme tightness in my forehead and top of my head..I can hear what is going on but cannot respond at all..I can't speak or move. Sometimes if they are more long lasting 1+ minute..I also have weakness on one side of my body after as well. They occur intermittently but definately increase when I am under stress,over-tired or have any other infection in my body. I have so much going on right now that I am not surprised by the sudden onset of them..losing my nursing career,losing my grandmother,getting sober,and marital problems. If you all ever have a friend or patient with weird neurologic Sx..please urge them to ask their Dr. for a Lyme titer..and further testing. I avoided the Dr. until I couldn't move my head and neck and my fever was 104..I had no rash until 1 week later then it was intersecting rings all over my body..but also too late to prevent the damage in my brain. Today I am able to get out of bed,I already talked with my sponsor and I don't need to take a drink to deal with life..I have friends like you all to listen to me and help me through the tough times. I hope I can be as good of a friend to all of you when you need me too.:rose:
This morning is starting out tough. I had a 1 1/2 hr session with my therapist yesterday and we touched on some very painful stuff. He thinks my increased "seizure" activity is a result of not medicating my PTSD anymore.Since being out of the hospital Feb 6th I have been on Zoloft but when I picked up again the last time I being a health conscious nurse(Ha,Ha)didn't want to mix my psych. meds with alcohol so I stopped taking the zoloft and seroquel at bedtime. So he thinks my "seizures" are pseudo-seizures from PTSD flashbacks..because I am not using anything to cover them up at all right now!After my session with him I dissociated..I was wandering around a store aimlessly for 1 1/2 hrs..finally my husband called because he was worried I wasn't home yet..I didn't even realize where I was or what I was doing. I don't know if anyone else has PTSD but sometimes the flashbacks are so real it is like it is happening all over again...so my first reaction is to do what I always did to make the thoughts go away..to drink. I Have already gotten down on my knees and asked God to keep me from a drink,drug or substitute, and to stop my flashbacks..I am scared today. I don't like having to think about this again and I only know to drink to make it stop. Please Pray for Me Today!:(
Dear Laurie, please go for inpatient treatment to get through this difficult time! You have so much going on in your life that you really need 24/7 inpatient treatment for the best care.
Please don't try to medically care for yourself alone right now; we nurses are notorious for not seeing what we ourselves need when we are ill. I hate to tell you some of the stupid things I've done when I've tried to treat myself (such as thinking I wouldn't need pain pills after a vaginal hysterectomy "because there wasn't an incision!").
Nurses are particularly blind to needing help when we are ill; please go in for treatment.
Thanks Jenn for your concern. I am having a very difficult time but I asked for help and got through the day, went to a meeting last night and the day ended ok. Weekends are hard for me because without sched. responsibilities to perform I have too much free time. When I have a lot of free time I start thinking too much. Today instead of obcessing about wanting to have a drink when the urge hit me I tried to do things to distract me like listening to music,cooking,reading,and writing to you guys. I know that I am facing a lot of loss very soon..my career,and my gram and I am worried if I will be able to cope without using..I don't feel like I am at the point of needing an inpatient program at this point though. I am going back on my Zoloft and I talk to my sponsor most every day. I have already put my family through so much emotionally and financially that I just can't put them through being without me for another month. Thank you so much for caring.
I'm having some tough days right now. Very depressed in last couple days,and also body pain from Lyme. It's really hard to get through these days without the vicodin that used to give me relief,but I got thru Sat, and Sunday and I will make it through today too. I started taking my zoloft again today so hopefully will help with depression and PTSD Sx soon..Please keep me in your prayers. I know you are because I am not drinking to cope with these feelings..and that is a miracle.
The Sunday St. Paul Pioneer Press had an article about a nurse who contracted Lyme disease that was misdiagnosed as ALS. Because of the health problems you have had, Laurie, I was particularly interested in this article and followed some links for more information.
lpRN13108 wrote:I don't feel like I am at the point of needing an inpatient program at this point though. I am going back on my Zoloft and I talk to my sponsor most every day. I have already put my family through so much emotionally and financially that I just can't put them through being without me for another month. Thank you so much for caring.
Look at the life you are currently living and ask yourself if you are truely present as a mother and wife. In truth your family is already living without you as your life is un
manageable. In the grand scheme of things 28-30 days is nothing. In treatment you will learn stratagies to address your PTSD. Also I have some experience with pseudoseizures and you can be helped have you been on any anticonvulsants like dilantin or tegretol these may help. Even though these seizures will never show up on a ECG they are still very real to the people having them, but their basis is purely psychological and adressing the stressors in your life thru treatment can make a world of difference. BElive me I was right where you are 4 years ago without treatment I would be dead today and my son would not have a mother.
Thanks for all the helpful caring advice, you are truly my friends. My job is only going to continue until May 30th and then I will be able to pursue more intensive treatment..I'm not sure if it will be inpatient but I am going to try to find something more PTSD focused. Today is better than yesterday. I'm up, and trying to work. Having a hard time staying focused. I noticed that my thoughts are racing again. When people talk to me I only catch a few words because my mind wanders during conversation. Especially my dtr. because she talks to me almost continuously about things. I want so much to be a good wife and mom, but I can't seem to grow up past the teenage girl who was hurt. I am holding on to sobriety by a thin thread since I haven't had the energy or patience to go to a meeting.I know I need to but I just can't do it right now..it's hard just getting out of bed. Hope you all are doing Well Today.
Think: if this was someone else; what would you tell that person to do?
That person is very ill and making excuses to not get the help they so desperately need. If that person had TB or totally out-of control Diabetes, you would encourage/insist that that person seek help now, right? The same holds true here I think.
Now, please do whatever you would tell that "other" person to do.
I took your advice Jenn and re-read my posts. Your right if I were my pt. or close friend I would be worried and tell them to get more intensive help. I am feeling a little better today..not so depressed. I have made plans to meet a friend from the hosp. program and go to a meeting tonight. After we plan to get some dinner. I am paying closer attention to my body and mind and I will let someone know if I get that hopeless feeling, but for right now I am doing ok today. You know how sometimes we tell pts. to get certain therapy and they say it's not that easy they have work,family etc..well I understand now how they feel. I know I am walking a dangerous line but right this moment I have to keep hanging on. I only have work for 3 weeks and my husband doesn't know from day to day if he has work..so the main priority is keeping food on the table. My husband is also watching me closely and tells me when he thinks I am not acting like myself..he calls me at home at least every 2 hrs to make sure I'm ok..so I do have people watching out for me don't worry. Thanks also for the links about Lyme disease..I'm planning to check them out today.
Hope Everyone has a Good Day of Sobriety
Well today is Day 15 of sobriety for me. I went to a meeting last night and the support was awesome. I heard from 6 speakers who reminded me that I have to choose to begin recovery not just sobriety. My Lyme Sx. seem to have lessened today as well..it's funny but by going to the meeting last night I was reminded to get on my knees first thing and ask for help..and it has been a pretty good day. Hope All is Well for Everyone:rose:
Keep going to meetings every day; keep asking your "higher power" for help with each day. It really does help; and it does get easier as time goes on.
I just want you to know that I'm an Al-Anon member and will be receiving my 1 year medallion the end of this month. My brother stayed with us last year to do his "90 meetings in 90 days" in AA and did well for about 6 months. He's back in treatment again and we've extended the offer to let him stay here and try again. Even though my brother doesn't live near us normally; I have continued to go to meetings at least every other week because *I* learned so much from them. I do my daily readings from "Courage to Change" and find that my life is better because of it. Alcoholism is a disease that affects the whole family; I hope that your family can get connected with Al Anon too.
Hello Everyone and Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful mothers out there. I am doing well on Day 17. Went to a meeting yesterday and then my husband and I went out to dinner with another couple which was very nice. Thanks Jenn for sharing your experience as a family member of an alcoholic..it really helps me to understand because my family doesn't say much. I am continuing to ask my higher power for help daily and working with my sponsor. I hope everyone has a great day!:rose:
Happy Monday to everyone. I am very excited today because I realized that I had missed a couple days of my sobriety..from April 22 to today is 20 days..yeah! I am in a good place today. Trying very hard to live for the moment. The hard part is that I have so many decisions coming up that have to be made..but I can't pre-plan for them because it makes me crazy to think about everything at once. I am taking baby steps in recovery but at least I am walking forward. I am going to a meeting tonight with another nurse I met in the program so I'm looking forward to that.I hope this message finds all of you doing well too.
Thanks Amanda..today is day 22.Things are getting a bit stressful. My husband started getting jealous of how much time I am spending on AA and not home with him at night. I tried to talk to him about it but he says it's not right for a man's wife to be out every night? He has been to a meeting with me before..he knows what we do..I don't know what he is thinking,but I do know that I can't change him so I just have to keep doing what is right for me. I am also down to the last minute to make a decision about what I am going to do about work. My job ends in 12 days and My boss and my husband want me to go on disability because I won't be able to keep any other job with all the days I miss due to seizures and pain..but I can't even imagine not being a nurse. I am thinking that I will get hired and work for them as long as I can until they let me go because I miss too much time..then go to another place and do the same thing..at least I will be able to work as a nurse on the days I can drive. I know it's selfish but I just don't want to give in to this Damn disease and go on disability. My boss says I can go on disability and if and when they get more disease management work I can return..but I hate ifs! I became a nurse to help others if I go on disability I will be giving up a dream and I have already lost enough..well I am sounding whiny now so I'll go. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it.Thanks
I made a huge long post to you when you were going to stop posting but I could not get it to post for some reason. I saved it as a draft on my desktop but now it's too late to post it.
Keep posting and keep on keepin' on!
As far as advice goes, I would have to think there is a job out there that you can do. Missing shifts without notice isn't good for you, your employer, or the people you are caring for. There has to be a solution somewhere in all this...
Also, I added your picture as an avatar for you. You can remove it by editing your profile but I figured you'd rather have it over there than in your signature. You can keep it in your signature if you want. I just figured I'd do that because I noticed your sig pic was a gif and you can't add a gif as an avatar so I changed it to a .jpg file and added it for you...
Laurie, there will be a job for you; but first you have to get healthy. Period.
I've been on both short term and long term disability. I am back to work now but can no longer do any bedside/floor nursing. My current position is as a telephonic nurse and I have found that I'm not cut out for this job. I'm not a person who can talk for 8 hours. There are many other types of nursing out there; that is the beauty of nursing: it's one of the widest and most varied occupations there is! There are many different types of telephonic nursing positions out there. Please, try a short-term disability and take the time to get well.
Here is a site I found quite a while ago: Exceptional Nurse | Welcome There is a section there called employment; and when I first found the site there were ads all about nurses who had severe disabilities and one in particular struck me: she could only sit up for limited time; but she promised whoever hired her that she could do 4 hours of work/ day.
There are jobs out there for disabled nurses. Your boss is exceptionally kind and wise. Please follow her advice.
Thanks Jenn. I am currently doing telephonic nursing but the company is closing down the division. I am going to take your advice and go on disability for a while to get my body healthy and then I will see what the good Lord has in store for me from there..his plans are always better than mine. I am on Day 24 today and for a change I am looking forward to the weekend. Hope everyone has a great weekend too.
Laurie, I'm glad you have decided to go on disability and get healthy. That should be your primary goal right now; and once you get better you will be able to be a good nurse again. {{{Laurie}}}
Hello Everyone
sorry I haven't updated in a few days but everything is still going ok. I will be at the 30 day milestone again tommorrow. I have gotten as far as 39 days before. This time with the help of my HP I will be able to stay sober. One more week to work my job, I am feeling like I am making the right choice going on disability for a while. I went to the Drs. again yesterday because my seizures have gotten worse and I have started having alot of joint pain. He told me that the only way I am going to get adequate pain control is to use Vicodin again. I am very nervous about using it again but I also can't function daily with this kind of pain either. My husband is monitoring my use with me, and I am only taking it as prescribed. I know this is not a good thing for me to be taking but the pain will make me crazy if I don't. It prevents me from living. Please pray that I will be able to avoid abusing the medication. It does feel good to finally have a break from the pain, but not at the cost of my sobriety.:confused:
Laurie, I would suggest going to a pain management clinic- it's worrisome that your doctor told you that the ONLY way to treat the pain is with a narcotic. There are other avenues of pain relief, and a good pain-management physician can help you explore some non-narcotic ways of dealing with your pain...
There are plenty of non-narcotic medication out there, plus there's steroid injections, nerve blocks, acupuncture, biofeedback, etc...
Laurie, I totally agree with Amanda on this. I don't know what type of doctor you are seeing, but you really need a team of health care providers to deal with your various issues: you need a pain specialist working with a neurologist and a CD counselor and a nutritionist at the minimum. PLUS someone to deal with the Lymes disease issues too.
There are ways other than narcs to deal with severe pain and you need someone who can find some non-addictive treatment modalities that will work for you.
Meditating may help: if you can find a chair yoga class that you can participate in it should help you start to feel better and improve your health. I actually use essential oils to help me with pain; I'm one of those people who can't use narcotics because I like breathing better plus I'm also allergic to the NSAIDS. When Extra Strength Tylenol is all I can use for pain I've had to look at some of the complementary medicines for help.
Thanks for the great suggestions ladies. I have been thinking about seeking alternative treatment methods. I don't like taking Vicodin but sometimes the pain is so bad I have no choice. I am going to get myself a CD for meditation too so maybe that will help. I reached 30 days without alcohol yesterday..but does that count for sobriety when I have started taking Vicodin again. I only take it as prescribed but still I am using narcotics?
I'm not a recovering addict or alcoholic, so I'm not sure how those in the recovery community would view the Vicodin... but regardless, you going 30 days with no alcohol is a HUGE accomplishment- CONGRATULATIONS!!! :)
Thanks you guys..his has really been bothering me..I didn't get my 30 day chip yet because I wasn't sure wether it was still real sobriety. My sponsor and my counselor both told me that as long as I am only taking the Vicodin as prescribed and only to help with physical pain and NOT emotional pain..it is not abuse. I am taking it for a very real painful health condition..and until I see someone in the pain management clinic for alternative treatment it is acceptable that I take it. I felt better after talking to them and reading your e-mails..thanks again.
Laurie, some of the complementary treatments I use for pain are Capsaicin cream on my legs and joints for muscle and bone pains (READ directions carefully; do NOT get this on your face, genitals, or use excessive amounts!). And some expensive essential Lavender oil (the kind I like is by Windmere, it costs about $12-14for 1/3 ounce; but it lasts a long time because you just use a drop or 2 at a time). I use the lavender oil for migraines and joint pain.
Capzasin Cream is a topical analgesic. Exactly how it works is unknown, but it is thought to decrease the amount of a certain substance (substance P) that transmits pain in the body.
Human clinical studies have reported that lavender essential oil may be helpful in a variety of conditions, including insomnia, alopecia (hair loss), anxiety, stress, postoperative pain, and as an antibacterial and antiviral agent. Lavender oil is also used together with other forms of integrative medicine, such as massage, acupuncture, and chiropractic manipulation.
Neither is addicting; and both work for me with extra strength tylenol and sometimes bio-feedback (if I'm able to concentrate).
This is why I suggested a pain clinic; a good evaluation of what will work for you really helps.
I am still sober Jenn. thanks for caring. I have had some trouble with taking the vicodin more often then I need it but I am trying to control my use. I do need it for the pain but the feeling of numbness is a great escape from the emotional pain as well. My husband is starting to keep track of how often I take it and he is trying to regulate me as well. I am going to try the 2 alt. methods you told me about as I have not tried them yet..I'll let you know how it goes. I have been really busy with my grandmother who is very near death now and just haven't had a lot of time to post here..sorry to make you worry. I will try to update daily again. Thanks for being a friend
Hey, Laurie- good to hear you're still sober! I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother- I know it must be a lot to deal with in your situation, but keep going to meetings & lean on your loved ones- they will get you through this!
About the Vicodin- I really think you need to go to a pain clinic so you can get on some non-narcotic meds, or explore other methods of pain relief. I fear you are jeapordizing your sobriety by staying on them...
Laurie, I'm sorry that your Grandmother is dying. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you right now that you will stay strong and sober during this time.
Laurie, I told you what *I* use for certain types of pain because I wanted you to know that there are alternatives to narcotics. Something that you should think about is that the narcs and ETOH may numb the pain, but they also numb the good feelings and the good memories you may have of your Grandmother. Grief is a normal part of life, and addictions block it which then postpones it til later.
I totally agree with Amanda that you need to be evaluated properly at a pain clinic. And that you need to keep going to meetings and lean on your loved ones too.
Thanks so much you guys for the caring concern in your posts. I was terminated from my job so I won't be able to go to a pain clinic for a little while since I have no insurance and no money either. I am only using my vicodin as prescribed and most days even less. I am going to get some capzaisin to try as well as parafin dips for my hands and feet..the joint pain is getting worse with each day now it seems. My counselor is woeking hard with me about staying accountable for my pain med use as well..I am being careful to use it for physical pain ONLY not emotional pain. When I am taking a dose i will write down my pain location in my journal. I am doing all i can to keep my recovery on track. 43 days sobriety today..longest I have had so far.
Hello All,
sorry I haven't posted in a few weeks. I have been keeping pretty busy going back and forth to my gram's and then I have been riding the self pity train some too..ever since i started taking vicodin again I have convinced myself that I am not really sober anymore..I haven't had a drink since April 22 but I have only been to a few meetings and haven't gotten my 30 or 60 day chip. I know I am taking the vicodin for very real physical pain but still I feel like I am cheating on my sobriety for some reason. I have talked to my counselor about it and he says as long as I am taking it as prescribed for the reasons it was prescribed for ONLY it is the right thing to do. I would like to go to a pain clinic but since being fired from my job I have no money and no insurance to do that. I thank you guys so much for your thoughts and prayers for me and my gram..she is hanging on but she now sleeps most of the time and is having more abdominal pain at the site of the primary tumor. I will try to post at least 1 x weekly here to let all my friends know that I am doing ok. Hope you all had a safe and happy 4th of July.I'll post again soon
Love,Hugs,Prayers,and many Thanks,
Laurie
Good to hear you're still sober- I know you have a lot going on right now but make sure you are taking care of yourself- that means making time to get to meetings every now & then. Go get your 30 & 60 day chips- you've earned them!
Laurie, riding the pity train will get you back in trouble. Do take care of YOU; that means get your butt to a meeting at LEAST once a week (3-4 meetings a week would help more; but once a week will have to do for now while your Grandmother is dying). PLEASE go to meetings! I will bet you that there are people at meetings who have had to take pain meds too; they may have some suggestions and advice for you now.
AA meetings are your lifeline right now; that 1 hour meeting will help you through this. Stop beating yourself up about the Vicodin; ask at a meeting for help. If your attitude towards the Vicodin is so negative, you may be setting yourself up for failure (and a relapse). Keep working your 12 step plan, but make sure you get to 1 meeting a week (minimum!) to take care of yourself.
Hello All thought I would stop in and give a quick update on how I am doing. My gram died on July 18th and it has been very hard to get through. I didn't handle it well at first and I did pick up a drink but I didn't stay on a bender this time just a couple drinks and I realized that wasn't going to help me this time. I haven't had any more for about 4 days but I haven't been to a meeting either. I don't feel like going out at all right now I sleep most of the day. I am setting my self a goal of 1 meeting next week and my counseling session too so hopefully things will change soon. keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers please we lost an amazing lady this week.
Love,Hugs,and Prayers
Laurie:rose:
My condolences to you and yours, Laurie. I am sure you noticed that we have all worried about you; thus, drop by for your support over here, too! 'Cat' :rose:
Laurie, my deepest sympathy to you and your family on the loss of your Grandmother. Your "Gram" is at peace now; but your family is in pain and needing you to share the memories of this amazing lady's life with them. By sharing these memories with your family you can help heal yourself and she will live on in these family stories for generations to come.
Get up and get to several meetings this next week and in to your counselor too. You had a close call with the alcohol this time; next time may not go so well.
Hey, Laurie, how are you doing?
I hope everything is going okay for you. Please don't forget to lean on your friends and family at this time.
There is an old Swedish saying that says "Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief." It's more important to reach out to others especially during the grief I've learned. {{{Laurie}}}
