You know you're a nurse if...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.

Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.

When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."

You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.

You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

Very funny and all too true! Do you recommend "nursing doses" of TLC? :33:

charan wrote:You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

I've considered having "I REFUSE THE FOLEY" tattooed on my inner thigh..... ;)

very funny :-)

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Simon
Nursing Jobs

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.


You knock before entering a room, knowing full well the only patient in there is the one that just died!


You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!


You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.


You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system - quantity not sufficient].

When asked, "Are you the nurse on tonight?" You want to respond, "No, I just like dressing up as a nurse and hanging around because I have nothing better to do!"

You've ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is?

You've ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I've never had sex"?

You've ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier?


You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.


You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.


You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.

If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.


You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

You've ever listed a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk".

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve ear rings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

You've ever thought, "As long as he's got a pulse, I don't care about the rhythm".

You've ever referred to a body bag as a "to go" bag.

Your personal triage categories are: Emergent, Urgent, Non-Emergent and Sleeping it Off.

You don't ask "frequent flyers" their history, you know it by heart.

You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.

You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have something to do on the night shift.

A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.

You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.

You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize.

Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint

You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage

You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered

You have used the phrase 'health care reform' to terrify your co-workers

You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick

You know the local detox center number by heart

You have handled several 'lost condom' cases

You have had to leave the patient before you began to laugh uncontrollably

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat


You believe chocolate is a food group


You believe a good tape job will fix anything


You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants


Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change


You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but nursing would grind to a halt


You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see


You have your weekends off planned a year in advance


You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis


You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia"


You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name


You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf"


Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms


You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"


You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?"


You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience


You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope

You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!"


You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food

Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstones


Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard


You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine

You call tell the difference between a Doctor's Order and the ground around a chicken farm

You call burn victims "crispy critters"

You call subcutaneous emphysema "Rice Krispies"

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers

You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit

Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion

You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"

You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"