Scared out of my mind

[Kensdollbaby]

Grayson,
Hello, my name is Mitch! I was reading all 4 pages of your story and I was reliving my own story in some instances. You will still have a nursing career! I too took great pride when I graduated nursing school. I was the first person to graduate high school let alone college in 3 generations! And the day I was caught diverting Vicodin from my hospital I thought I would never work again. It was the worst day of my life. That was 8 months ago. I too am involved with HPRP. What state are you in, did you mention that at all? I am in MI. As someone pointed out diverting for yourself and diverting for distribution are two VERY different things. 99% of the time if you divert for yourself no charges are even pressed and police are not involved in any way. This being your first offense and so many things going wrong with the officer that first questioned you, I hope that you find yourself a lucky girl and end up with a dismissed case. As far as the BON or the state investigator, if you are involved with HPRP, they will usually turn your case over to them to handle and monitor and as long as you comply with your monitoring agreement for the duration your licence will not be messed with. However if you get in trouble for distributing I am not sure how that will work out, but I do know that whatever happens, you will most likely not lose your licence. I have people in my HPRP group that are doing their 3rd stint in HPRP! Good for you for recognizing your issue with your pain medication. I was thinking as I was reading your posts that you had to be taking something. I just had a feeling and then a couple of posts later, you came out with that. I am new on here, but if you have any questions I will be happy to answer them. I have 8 months of HPRP and NA and recovery under my belt. It's not much but I can be of some help I am sure! Good luck to you and I hope to get an update from you soon!

[snoopyclk]

Mitch & Grayson,

Thanks for posting. I was caught this past July diverting meds for a second time. I had a period of 7.5 years between frist treatment & relapse. I was fired. Also entered treatment program and was accepted in my states monitor program. I got a new job working case management for an insurance company & my director is aware of my addiction/recovery. But... I just got a letter tonight that due to the fact that this is a second offense, the Board now wants me to willingly surrender my license for 18 months. If I do not surrender and choose to go to a hearing, I can do that. I have a call out to another RN in my continuing care that just went through this with the board, for advise & the name of her attorney.

I realize this is one of the consequences of my using. I just wish I had not been allowed into their monitor program to now be told that that is not good enough. I know I have to take one right step at a time and turn it over, but honestly I am so stunned right now, I can't think. Luckily, I do not feel like using, but have already reached out to my sponsor and continuing care group tonight.

Maybe the fact that I have been in their monitor program for over 4 months now will look in my favor. Any advise or thoughts would be appreciated.

[whome3]

snoopyclk

Use this to your advantage (A) you sought treatment voluntarily
(B) you are working in a safe job away from narcs(C) your employer knows and supports you (D) you attend support groups for nurses and also 12 step groups (E) you have agreed to be monitored and tested and to follow the contract with the BON

Definitely seek legal advice from a lawyer who is familiar and has worked with your states BON

No matter what, don't use, and accept that you cannot change this. The challenges we receive don't always make sense, but there is always a lesson and room for growing and getting stronger when faced with bumps in the road

[snoopyclk]

Thanks for the great advise. Fortunately, I came to the same decisions on my own this weekend. I spoke with an attorney tonight who gave me some good advise and will probably hire his counsel to guide me through this process. I know that my Higher Power is guiding me if I listen to him through my meditation & through others around me. My support system has been wonderful. I feel loved reguardless of the bad choices I've made to get me to my current situation. I will defintely use every asset I have : sponsor, meetings, tx, monitor program, my current job without drug access to my advantage. Thanks for responding. I appreciate it.

[hppygr8ful]

Snoopy - I've been meaning to write you a welcome to the site but have been suffering a migraine for the past several days. Migraines for people in recovery are tricky because of the fact that we can't take anything that really works for them. I am no longer being monitored and Opiets were never my problem ( I am a garden variety alcoholic) but why risk it - Still if this keeps up I may have to seek help from the doctor soon.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Stay focussed on your program and trust in your Higher Power. I will write more when I feel better.

Peace and Namaste

Hppy

[angelah2003]

Gosh thank you so much for all of the information! I really didn't know it was that involved! I mean, I know they take it seriously, but honestly I didn't figure they would screw you over if you were admitting you needed help and seeking it openly! WOW...again i just feel like a piece of S#&%.. like everyone else is so perfect they never make mistakes! That is just how i feel lately..like i'm crap! Everyone else is better.....well, i made a mistake..and it may have been a HUGE mistake..but i made it and I can't go back..so i'll have to face the music..if i decide i want to go through with it..i just don't want to regret it years from now ya know..if i decided not to go through with it and then regretted that...i worked so hard for my license in the first place..worked so hard in school as a single mom...that is the only reason i'll most likely go through with it..even if i don't practice for the rest of my life, i'll at least get through this. I'll check out those sights and see what i can find out as far as lawyers go..maybe i can find one that will except payments? I don't know...but i really appreciate your advice!!! I'll use it! What about getting a license in another state? I know every state is different, but what if you do all that is asked of you by the BON of the original state, and get through it all, and your re-licensed and working. Does it stay on your backround if you apply in another state? Forever? Or are all states different in that as well? I just need to know because if this is somthing I am going to have to face for the rest of my life, at least the rest of my career, then I'm pretty confident in saying I won't stick with this as a career. It's one thing to suffer while you go through it and make yourself better. It's enough that I'll never forget what I did and it will be in my heart and my memory forever...but it's another to be haunted by it for the rest of your life in every job you take...or at least reminded of it..I know this will stick with me for the rest of my life in mind and heart, but i don't need to be reminded of it everytime I start a new job, or relocate, or move on..i just can't do that. I won't do that..Life is too short..i realize that now..and I want to move on one day..push it in the back of my head and move on..i can't do that if i am being judged by every BON in every state, and every job i take...Let me know if you have any idea about that. I appreciate it! Oh and to Whone3..thanks to you as well..i really appreciate your advie and NEED it!!

Ya know, I felt the same as you when I got arrested forobtaining narcotics by fraud...like a piece of crap...everyone else was perfect...my life was screwed up beyond repair..even though it's been 4 years and Im still not back where I should be, I did get my license back after it was revoked, and I have realized that everyone makes mistakes....more than we know...the only difference between them and us is we got caught. Dont let anyone make you feel like you are less because of one "oh sh@t moment". You seem to have done everything else great thus far. One mistake does not define who you are. Hang in there. Ill pray for you, and I need your prayers too. Im having a hard time finding a job now, and Im a single mother.

[CRNAspa]

Also keep in mind, there is a disease process going on here. Something I try to remind every nurse I speak to...you are not a bad person trying to become good, you have a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal disease and you are trying to get well. This disease is genetically based and alter the brain. The areas of the brain involved include reflexes, survival, motivation, decision making, learning, and pleasure. These areas are significantly altered, and these alterations are responsible for the changes in mood and behavior.

Also, we lose our ability to learn from our mistakes when under the influence, and we also lose our social skills. So instead of recognizing why we are angry or becoming depressed, and making amends or sitting down and having a conversation that can strengthen relationships, we feel stressed/angry/moody/ whatever, and know that taking our drug of choice will "medicate" those feelings away. This means we DON'T build relationships and things keep getting worse.

This is a complex bio-psycho-social-spiritual disease that requires a great deal of work in all those areas. AND, with our brain chemistry and structures so messed up, it makes all of this so difficult to deal with, especially early on. This is why abstinence is so important. The longer you're abstinent, the more your brain can recuperate. It takes 18 - 24 months for the brain to recuperate to it's fullest extent, with the most significant recuperation taking place in the first 90 - 180 days of abstinence (amazing how AA figured that out before we had MRIs and PET scans). Continuing to use, even if it's only occasionally, impedes the healing process. Also, having co-occurring disorders like significant depression, bipolar disorder, chronic pain, etc. diagnosed and effectively managed is so important.

This is more than just making some "bad decisions". It's a serious life-long battle. That's why it is so important to take things one day at a time, read and study about the disease, attend your support groups, see your therapist (if you have one), journal, stay in contact with your sponsors (you can have more than one!), read your daily meditations, pray and meditate to stay in contact with your Higher Power (whoever or whatever that might be), and keep your life as simple as possible (meaning no crazy work schedules, not running the kids to 75 different activities every week, etc., etc.)

Recovery...prolonged recovery is possible, but it doesn't "just happen". It's a conscious, purposeful act that takes place everyday.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[CRNAspa]

One more thought:

"We become ill by accident...we become well on purpose."