Having a tough time...

[Kedosto]

I just started in a Nursing program, and WOW am I having some mental issues. I'm the only male in a class of 24, I'm also one of the oldest in the class (42), and my background is in male dominated businesses (trucking and construction). For decades I've been in a situation where showing compassion or care is the equivalent of showing weakness (something you must never do in these fields). And now, as if overnight, I must freely show the care I feel inside. This is very difficult for me and I'm having a tough time with feelings of exposure.

I don't know if I'm going to make it. I feel like an outsider, and I feel as if the women in the class are avoiding me. I have been relegated to last one up in the lab exercises, and none of the women seem to be willing to partner with me. I certainly won't be able to make it through the course alone, yet I'm uncomfortable approaching any of the women to work with me. There's been an exchange of phone #'s and email addresses amongst the women students, but I wasn't included. Are they sending me a signal, or are they just as uncomfortable as me?

I have worked hard through the prerequisite courses, which were populated mostly by women, and never had feelings like this. I maintain a 3.6 GPA (so I'm certainly capable), and have been happily married for 16 years (I'm no pervert). I am a big guy, 6'3" and 205 Lbs, with an athletic build, so I'm aware that my size can be a bit imposing.

So many things seem to be coming together in my mind/heart all at the same time. Masculinity, gender roles, studying, performance anxiety, discrimination, financial burdens, etc.

I wish I could better convey the swirl of emotions, fears, hopes, and anxieties I'm feeling. I'm hoping there are other guys (or women) out there who may be able to relate, and perhaps help me sort through all of this and be successful.

Should I approach the women and explain my feelings, or keep my mouth shut? I was thinking that I would keep my head down, my mouth shut, my ears open, and prove myself by doing really well on the first exam. The only problem is that the exam is not for a while, and there are lab exercises to get through first. Body mechanics and bed positioning was excruciatingly uncomfortable. Bed baths loom on the horizon.

This career change was supposed to be a positive thing for me, but now that I'm at the threshold I just don't know.

Kedosto

[Aaron C.]

man, I can't believe they would not include you. That is messed up. If it was me (everyone is different of course). I would say how I feel to the whole class and let them know that it is pretty crappy of them to act that way.

Please don't give up man. This should just motivate you even more to make it through.

I just finished school, and was also the only male in the class. There were some disadvantages to it, but it also had it's advantages.

I don't know what to tell you as I don't really know anything about you or the program you're in. All I can say is that you shouldn't let 23 women who don't seem to have concern for you make a life altering decision for you.

When you get to working, you won't have this problem. Their will always be gossip and all that junk, but that's everywhere.

Don't give up yet man. IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT!

[JerryLucas]

Post deleted by shortbus

[Kedosto]

This has been an interesting week. I thought I would speak with the program counselor about my feelings and the situation as it stands. She expressed her dissatisfaction about the situation, and promised she would help. One of my biggest concerns was that I didn't want to create an adversarial climate. It wouldn't do me any good to be in the program if was going to be nothing but misery. I can't force someone to "be nice." She seemed to understand.

As it turns out, the instructor is new and has virtually no teaching experience. She was not prepared for the challenges of a coed environment. Way back when she went through school, there were no men involved. She was apologetic, and said she would do what she could to encourage fair participation. We agreed that while she can't force the women in the class to interact with me outside of the classroom, she could/would take steps to encourage them to include me whenever possible. As a result, lab partners are now assigned, and I've worked with three different women so far. It's a bit uncomfortable for both me and the women, but I don't think there's any resentment.

I've done my part too. I have arrived at the last minute prior to class starts (my wife's suggestion) and sit right in the middle of the group. Conversations, info checking, etc. either include me or they don't happen at all. I'm just too damn big to ignore. It's a delicate process but I think I must assert myself to break barriers.

I feel that some of the women are simply uncomfortable with me, while others are just plain ignorant. My own comfort level is improving too. I'm not going to focus on the negative and I'm sure in the hell not going to go away. My original post was premature, and written before I'd had a chance to sort out my feelings. I have resolved myself to forge ahead no matter what!

My gut tells me that over time the situation will get better and I'll make a place for myself in the class. Like any other classroom environment, some of us will conect and some of us won't. Hopefully it will happen sooner than later— it can't be forced.

Thanks for the supportive posts and fighting words of encouragement. I was unsettled for a bit, but you guys pushed me in the right direction (or at least gave me the boost to sum up the fight in myself). I'll be posting another update in the future.

Kedosto

[Aaron C.]

ATTA BOY! I was very happy to read your response. Stick around and keep us updated often.

[Sunshine]

I was a little distressed reading your post. If you haven't found out already, women do not play nice. Soo, kill them with kindness. One thing that I thought of is that if you are feeling so exposed already, maybe your not representing yourself extrovertly. If you come across as somewhat standoffish because of their attitude or your insecurity w/ having to move into a new role as a man, then the more these women may avoid you ( as scewed up as this is!). I happen to find men in the nursing profession refreshing.

As far as feeling exposed, you can show caring and empathy in many ways. One of the best is through humor if the situation dictates. Also, my husband and I like to think of our patients as this is someones mother,brother,father,sister,grandmother ect. When you think of it in those terms it makes it easier. Treat these people the way you would treat your own family. Often times people just want you to listen, other times they love to hear you talk about you and your family. The difficult situations such as death,dying and ethics everyone male or female have a difficult time dealing with. You will find your way through. Often times I walk away after talking to family's muttering to myself "This sucks."
As far as bed baths go...you get used to it. Here is a story for you. When I was in my first rotation as a student, my patient was an elderly gentleman who was very contractured and couldn't talk related to a stroke. I was giving him a bed bath and I was washing his private area and the man became erect. I then became a mortified 22year old girl. Meanwhile he is lying there smiling at me. I promptly covered him up and excused myself for a minute to walk outside the room because I had no clue what else to do. Overtime this story has made me laugh.
Please give yourself time. Things will get better and worse. Nursing school was the most stressful time of my life. However, I have never regreted it and I hope that you won't either. Have heart. YOU WILL DO GREAT!!!!

[Chris]

Hi All!!
I too have changed careers late in life. I am 42 and received my RN 4 years ago. I have a double whammy going...I am also a paramedic. The "old time" nurses frown on male nurses and hate EMS providers. I have overcome that stigma by being the best I can be at what I do.

Be prepared for the inevitable comments (usually from elders), "are you the doctor?" "No ma'am, I'm the nurse." "Are you gay?" and that deserves the response "My wife and son don't think so!"

By becoming a nurse, it has opened my eyes to what females in a profession dominated by males go through. We can stand on our merits and skills, but still we're "male nurses" not just "nurses".

Keep up the good work. Don't be discouraged by ignorance...that's everywhere. Questioning your feeling now is a good thing...makes you a better nurse later.

C

[Judyd]

Kedesto, I have read your post several times now and thought I may help with a reply, but alas I am a female and an old one to boot. Today I have thrown caution to the wind and desided to throw in my two cents. When I started nursing school, my husband felt very threatened. He left me for awhile. But we have been together for about 15 years since then. He felt like he knew how to handle the situations of our life at that time but if I got a degree I would not need him any more. It turned out after some research that the divorce rate of the women who went back to school after many years was indeed very high. I believe often older women go back to school when they are already thinking of a divorce in the first place. It was a very hard adjustment on my sons and my husband when I went back to school. They may be afraid too, of all the changes already going on. After time several of the girls and a few of the guys were coming over frequently to study together, and my husband was making pop corn and keeping everyone cars going. I think several of us would not be nurses today if my poor insecure husband at the time had thrown in the towel. Hang in there. School as and adult is a very big deal. It will change your lives, It can make your lives much better after you adjust to all the changes. Good luck.. Judyd

[jsmiddleton4]

kedosto,

I've been a nurse since 1986. I've been a male since birth. I went into nursing after another career and did so when I was 30. I have a bachelor's degree as well as a master's degree but they are in education, not nursing.

You will find nursing as a general rule are quite inbreed and a closed lot. It was amazing to me, and continues to be amazing to me, that somehow since my masters is not in nursing, I am lacking something critical in my education. It is as if only a masters in nursing counts.

Get used to being an outsider for now. But as you get more experience you can find, almost create if you will, your own niche. DO NOT be a nurse for anyone or any other reason then yourself. If you are expecting to get back warm and fuzzies from your co-workers or even patients, you have some wrong reasons and are heading for some great dissappointments. Do what you do for yourself. Nursing is a great job. It provides a lot of flexibility, security and a livable income. It is a lousy career. Drop the "career" kind of expectations and you'll be happier sooner and for longer.

Think about nursing and your RN as a very marketable skill. Market yourself and look for the endless job situations available to you in order to find the job situation that works for YOU. An RN is a lever. Use it to leverage the work place and your job situation to your benefit. Forget about fitting in, being a part, of the group. In general, and I know how it sounds believe me, women in nursing are a closed bunch and you will always be an outsider. And be careful about any critical talk. It is not "heard" as being concerned for your profession.

Get your schooling done. Get some experience. Find your own niche.

If you can't seperate yourself from you job, I can confidently tell you, get out now before you get too much invested into being and RN.

I am currently doing disabled children through a State program and have incredible flexibility, work with families, am out of and will be staying out of hospitals. It is multifacted and I provide a very needy service for families and disabled children. Pay is okay but not cutting edge if you will. But it is a great place for me and I am able to participate in my daughter's lifes, both in high school, have time for my wife, did lunch with her yesterday, and have time for my own life. I don't need to and I don't care what some group of female nurses think of me or my being in "their" world.

I know it seems harsh, but I'm just telling you as it is as I've seen it for over a 15 years now. Women nurses say then want men in nursing but in fact they conduct themselves just the opposite.

The good news is there are soooooo many places/settings to work with an RN you do not need to play their games to "fit in". Give it up. Be yourself and stop trying to earn anyone's friendship and acceptance. If you have to earn it, is it really the kind of acceptance and friendship that meets you needs anyway?

Study, do your best, lay low, hang in there until you can write your own ticket. Otherwise I strongly advise you to bail and look into being a physician assitant.

[traumaNERD]

KEDOSTO,

I can tell that you have what it takes. It is rather obvious from your posts that you are intelligent, well-spoken, caring, responsible, organized, and sensitive. ALL of which are desired qualities in a nurse. Don't bother with the negativity that surrounds you because it will only bring you down. You are doing a wonderful thing and I hope that you don't let it go because of a group of classmates who are too afraid to look outside the box and welcome adversity.