In the midst of a nightmare...

[beachnurse]

To make a long story short. RN with 5 years experience and Masters degree, had back surgery, my addiction to Oxycodone began, charged with obtaining a controlled substance by fraud for writing prescriptions to myself, arrested and I am now in Felony drug court. Ive been clean 6 months and I am now getting ready to sign a contract with IPN. Is it possible to work while involved with the courts?? When I finish drug court my record will be sealed. Im wondering how this will play out? Has anyone else been through this?? I am clean and sober and have been for over six months. I have a sponsor and great support group, attend 12 step mettings, etc... I will NEVER go back to that dark horrible way of living. It was terrible but now the rebuliding begins and im confused as far as nursing will go.

[brighteyez]

Hi guys...
I am into my 4th week of outpatient treatment. I guess it is going ok. I am still at the point though, where if i had a bottle of pills in front of me, I would probably grab them and run. Opiate addiction is a horrible demon. I am not even sure at this point that I want to stay in the nursing profesion.I just don't think I want to deal with the temptation of the pills. Some people may be stronger than me, but I fell ike it's like an alcoholic with a drink in front of them. Not sure I can ever break it...but still in tx, and we will see. Still have all the legal stuff pending too...still trying to be positive about it all

[brighteyez]

To follow up. congrats to all of you that have been clean and sober, I am totally not trying to be a downer...just being honest. I know it can be done! I have great support system with my treatment, and AA groups...and my fiance' has been so supportive....I am financially doing ok, as my man has the cash flow we need...but I have always worked still to have my own money..which I have had to curb with all of this. I will keep you guys updated though..my goal is to avoid a felony on my record...which ain't looking good. The public defender said that in my county, the DA is out for blood with drug charges...I really hope you and I find peace..I know it's hard! I pray for myself and all of you!!!! love and peace!

[fatlap]

I just wanted to share a little of my story to let you know thier is hope. I have a long story so you may want to sit down put your feet up and grab a cup of coffee.
I am 45-year-old woman with 6 kids, I have been married for 27 years. I grew up in a small town in New York State. Although my dad was an alcoholic, I feel I had a fairly normal childhood (thanks to my mom who never used anything). When I was a teenager I did experiment with alcohol and marijuana. In my high school years, I was given a bad joint that was mixed with something (I think angel dust). I had a bad trip and never smoked pot after that. Although I continued to drink it was only on weekends socially although I did get very drunk at times. After my first child I no longer had the same good time due to not wanting to get up to a crying baby, when I had a hangover. So at 21 I no longer used any mind-altering substances. I never even needed Tylenol.

When I was about 35 I started having problems with pain. I had a hysterectomy, had my gallbladder removed, started getting migraines and had many dental problems due to poor prenatal nutrition with my six pregnancies. I was introduced to Tylenol #3 one day while I was in the emergency room for a tooth abscess. I used the pain meds as prescribed and did not think much of it. Then I started to have frequent pain problems. And I am not blaming any doctor, but they started to give me massive amounts of narcotics. Within about a year I began to rely on them for everyday pain, within a another year I started to take them all the time regardless of whether I had pain or not. I was a nurse assistant at the time. I then developed back problems – which just gave me another excuse to get more pain meds. Although I never harmed any patients in the nursing home, I did use at work. I started to call in and lie to my co-workers when they asked me why I looked so tired. Soon I was lying to my husband, which I never did before.

Somehow I was able to get my practical nursing license. I did o.k. the first year. But then, let’s just say I started to get into all kinds of trouble. I lost 5 good nursing jobs, and then I started to work in an area where people did not know me, and did well for six months. I then lost 4 more nursing jobs. So I started working 2 hours from home and stayed with in-laws. I told them I was working there because it paid double than my town (which it did). I then lost 5 more jobs, the longest one was for 10 months. When the last one fired me I finally admitted that I needed help.

They were very understanding and suggested a professional nursing assistance program. At this time I was using at least 30 10mg hydrocodone pills a day along with at least 30 Ultram®. I was sick every time I knew that I had none left. I did not go longer than 12 hours without some kind of narcotic painpill. My husband knew I had a problem, but he never knew how bad it was until after I admitted it. At the height of my addiction he would carry my pills around with him and give them to me as prescribed since I really do have a need for pain relief. He would keep them under my mattress and when he would go to the shower or even the bathroom I would jump up and grab a handful. Once he caught me and I felt terrible, but I continued to do so.

I went to detox the first two times within one month and was put on Suboxone. It worked great. If I had known that there was such a thing, I may have went for help years before. When I got out I asked my primary care physician for help, she told me that I would have to go to my pain specialist. When I went to my pain specialist for help he refused to give me anything for cravings or anxiety so I started to use again. I bought the drugs off the street. Then I went to detox for the third time I was there for four days and decided to go to rehab, this was the smartest decision I ever made. They put me on Suboxone, where I continued throughout my 30-day stay. I went to support group meetings 5 times a week and then 3 days a week. It helped me a lot, but without the Suboxone I don’t think I would have made it.

I have a great family support system from my husband of 27 years and my six kids. I also see my individual counselor every three weeks. I am now ready to taper off I will go very slowly. I am a nurse and had to temporarily surrender my nursing license. I am now ready to get it back. I have learned so many great tools that I know I will be fine. I am actually starting to enjoy life again – which I never thought I would enjoy anything without being high. But it is actually better than any high I ever experienced. I know this sounds corny but I am just so excited about my recovery.

ADDENDUM - February, 2010

I originally wrote my story about 3 years ago. Since then with the help of Suboxone and a good support system I have remained in recovery for another 3 years it has been a total of 3 years and eight months. I have not had any slip ups. I did, however, have to have a procedure for which I needed to have narcotics - one to relax me and one for pain. It was only one time and was only during the procedure. I told my specialist who gave me the procedure that I was in recovery. I did well and did not try to use again. I also had narcotic pain meds offered to me by my dentist and ER several times. I told them no that I was fine with ibuprofen. I have used all the tools that I learned while in recovery and still continue to go to the AddictionSurvivors.org website to check in.

About 1 year into my recovery I was lucky enough to get a job as a cashier. (I did have a Practical Nursing license but was unable to get a job due to restrictions on it because of my recovery.) I worked there for 2 years - the longest I was ever able to hold a job in many years. During that time I kept in contact with my former director of nursing who knew my story and knew I was a good worker.

I kept applying at nursing jobs and eventually got a assistant nursing certificate, thinking I could at least get a job in the health care field which is the type of work I love. I was not even able to get that. Finally my hard work in recovery paid off when my former DON gave me a job as a CNA (certified nursing assistant). It wasn't nursing but at least it was in the health care field. I also had hoped that if I worked hard I would be able to talk the facility into giving me a chance as a nurse.

I worked a as assistant for nine months working many overtime hours and not missing a day in those nine months, and I finally got the great news. They gave me a position as an LPN. I will be working full time as a nurse, and I will even have my own floor. I can't wait to get to work.

On several occasions I got discouraged and thought I may never be a nurse again; but even without nursing I knew I never wanted to become the full-blown addict that I once was. I could never live waking up and trying to remember who I would have to lie to that day or if I would be called to the office and be fired for some reason. Even though my six children were mostly young at that time, I am sure they knew something was up when I was fired every few months.

I know that without all the great support and tools I learned while in recovery I would never have gotten this chance. I also know that Suboxone was a big part of the reason for my success.

If you got thru this long story I hope it lets you know you are not the only nurse going thru this.

[bluewater77]

Brighteyez,

Your story and situation sound very similar to me. Charged with obtaining cs by fraud last month (fake scripts). Whole world came crashing down. Spent the worst night of my life in jail, in withdrawal, knowing I would lose my job, my license, my freedom..(it was a FELONY????? stupid me, denial is a demon) I've never been in trouble before.
It was really a blessing though. I was always a "star" and this shocked everyone i knew. I hid it well, but at the end I was taking 20+ 10mg hydrocodone a day. I had no idea how I could actually stop. I was tired of lying to my fiance (he knew something was going on but had no idea it was this) And I despaired at the thought of continuing to take these pills every day...how long would this go on? I tried to taper myself off...
:yeahthat:
(I think many of us can chuckle to ourselves on how well that works.)
Anyways, the next day I bonded out, and got real honest with myself, my family, and as it turned out a slew of varied professionals from lawyer( I found a good one with BON experience and hired him immediately) to counselors to law enforcement(with advice). Researched my states BON to see what would likely happen, and found a whole world of medical professionals who did the SAME thing I did and survived with lic/careers intact. I found my states version of recovering professonals program and referred myself (it was coming anyway), started rehab the next day. Now a little over a month in recovery, still in rehab, going to NA/AA meetings. Haven't been to trial yet, hoping for PTI. I'm doing well, all things considered. Wary though, if I could get away with it and had a bottle of opioids I take it and run. I just have way too much on the table to lose.
I was fired, that hospital had a zero tolerance policy. There are other facilities in the area that are supposedly recovery friendly. I'll find out soon enough. Fortunately, my fiance has some cash flow that I don't have to worry right now (although its my nature to work, have my own money)
So I'm able to focus on recovery.
Wow, this turned out to be a much longer post than expected, I just want to say you are not alone, and as scared as you may be about what might happen...no matter what you CAN make it through. I think waiting for that call is...well....maybe the anticipation is worse than what will happen. I had that day last month, and I made it. I will keep my license, I will not go back to jail, I probably will not have a conviction (PTI), I got fired and survived and have connected with a local group of nurses in recovery who are ALL working with their licenses and can help me when I am "approved to return to work."
Hang in there.

[beachnurse]

Same situation here. Script fraud. And yes, it is a felony. My problems got worse after arrest unfortunately. The detective went around town looking for more scripts after my arrest to see if I had done it other places and BOOM another arrest. I was lucky, I got into Floridas drug court. Its a year long rehab program, if you complete it, charges are dropped and arrest sealed. THANK GOD!! I am starting the boards diversion program soon, IPN. I know how you feel. Hiding it from fiance, friends, co-workers. Its terrible. I have six months clean now and it DOES get better!! I was just distraught when it first happened. Suicidal, thought live was not worth living anymore, etc. BUt I picked myself up and got into AA/NA meetings and starting my therapy through the courts and it got so much better. My meetings are my saving grace. I still go to a meeting EVERYDAY even with 6 months in. I dont know if I will be able to work as a nurse while Im in drug court but Im at least going to try. God bless all of out there suffering. I know how it feels. Dark, lonely. Just get into those meetings ASAP and it will get better. "Courage is not the absence of fear; but the mastery of it" Mark Twain

[brighteyez]

Thanks to everyone who has posted! It is so nice to know I'm not alone! Just a quick update with me: STILL have not had any charges filed, but know it is coming probably soon...I continue into my 2nd month of rehab along with going to AA/NA meetings. Just went to the doctor this past week and was prescribed an anti-depressant as I have become withdrawn from just about everything and everyone. Hopefully it helps, so I have more motivation to get out into the world again and at least find a part time job that is non-nursing for some extra income. Continue to work on staying drug and alcohol free...but also have been considering going back to school for a non-medical degree. Maybe a change is good? Although my heart does lie with nursing,it just seems such a long and humiliating road road back into it...but that is something that I will have to decide for myself. I think about the options all the time and am just not sure.

Thank you Niffsue for the update...I'll keep you all posted.

[CARRIERN1010]

Hi Brighteyez. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, but I sure can relate. I already have felony charges against me for diverting Vicodin in a fraudulent manner from my previous place of work. I am an RN with almost 10 years experience. There are so many emotions to deal with such as the shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, depression. I too wish I could turn back time and do things differently. I am so sick about what I have done, and so mad at myself. I also have problems with alcohol, which is where my narcotics problem stems from. Yes, I have severe issues too. I am going to AA on the advice of my lawyer, and I think it helps. Am also starting some individual counseling tomorrow. My next court date is March 4th. I am so fearful. Every day I live in fear. The only one who knows is my boyfriend who is as supportive as he can be. I can't believe I am putting him through this. I can't believe I've let myself get to this point. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Don't listen to those who are negative and judgemental. They haven't walked a mile in our shoes.

How was your court date? I myself am an RN and I have been through this!

[jms]

brighteyez;

Stay strong, it will be a long road. I did not divert, there were 5 narcs missing and it looked like I had removed them from the Pyxis system, I was set up, I was under the influence and was the only nurse on that night that was drug screened. The nurse attorney I hired told me not to meet with the OBN and the hospital, that I was going to to be terminated and should resign. Bad advice. The hospital and OBN would have offered a last chance agreement. The nurse attorney billed me and my insurance 5000.00 Hire the best administratve attorney with experience with your BON.

Good Luck
jms

[SyckRN]

HI there, if you are interested in hearing the nightmare another nurse endured, and telling your own story on my personal blog please try http://RNonymous.com. You have received a lot of support here and I am glad you have.Ultimate Nurses is a great site and I will never leave it. Here is a portion of my story:

Do No Harm
Add comments Edit

Do No Harm: A Cautionary Tale

3:00 pm: I am sitting on my sofa at home. I am stunned. Confused. Terrified. I can’t wrap my mind around what has just happened to me. How did I wind up in this predicament? How can I have allowed things to get so out of control? The answers to these questions will come eventually. They will not be easy. But they will change the course of my life forever.

Earlier that day: 7:10 AM: I rush into my department. I am 10 minutes late for my shift. I am tired and I hate being late, although that seems to be happening more and more lately. I should have just called off today. My husband even suggested that I was in no shape to go to work this morning. Resentment and denial prevented me from taking his advice. As I stumble twice on the way to the locker room, my charge nurse asks me what is wrong. “I am fine…just in a hurry…sorry I’m late.” Another stumble, this time I drop my bag. I mumble something that must have come out slurred, and am taken aback when he states, “Honey, I can’t let you work like this.” I begin to formulate an argument…just really tired…I’ll be okay. But I stop myself. I nod at his suggestion that we sit down and talk in his office. I have an inkling that my life is about to change in a big way. The small voice of reason, the one I have stifled for so long now, says quietly and confidently… “The jig is up.” Still, all things can be rationalized…and no one does this better than I. I will explain. All will be well.

8:10 AM: I sit with the Nursing Supervisor and the Employee Health Nurse, answering questions. Have I been drinking? “No, I am just tired. I couldn’t sleep last night.” Asked why I seem so foggy I reply… “It must be the medications I take for sleep.” I took my usual sleeping pills which are only a small part of my medication list. Determined to be honest, I begin to recount the events of the night before. I took my Ambien, and when those didn’t work, I took another. And still failing to find sleep I took some Phenergan.” I suddenly decide that the Phenergan explains my grogginess. I am certain that I cannot get into trouble for taking Phenergan. Did I take anything else? “Well, nothing outside some of my other medications.” What might those be? “Well I have a prescription for Xanax. I take a lot of Xanax. I am up to about 10mgs a day (more than 5 times what my primary physician prescribes…the rest are from an internet doctor. I pay a lot of money for his signature. Still, I think I am on safe ground here, because I do not buy the medications on the streets. Other meds? “Yes. I take Vicodin ES for my feet. I have a prescription. I took a couple of those, but that was hours ago.” I have two prescriptions actually, from two different internet doctors, one of whom resides in Mexico, and I am up to about 10 of those per day. I don’t really remember, but it is entirely possible that I took between 4 and 6 tablets during the night. I worry about the unspoken disapproval I sense when they look knowingly at one another. I feel the need to explain: I have had months to devise rationales for my astounding medication regimen, and am happy to recount them for these ladies now:

Rationale Number One: I have a tolerance for these meds because I have been taking them for so long.

Rationale Number Two: I don’t take them at work. This has not been true for some time and these words represent my first outright lie of the morning. The other lies are those of omission and I have gotten accustomed to “not” telling them.

Rationale Number Three: My gastric bypass surgery has affected my absorption, so I have to take more than other people to get the same effect. I have been assured by my surgeon that this is not the case…but have decided that this explanation just makes too much sense not to be true.

And Rationale Number Four…drum roll please…I have never actually diverted medications from patients or the unit and have therefore NEVER BROKEN THE LAW! In the ensuing months, I will learn that “diversion” is a broad term that represents ANY use of ANY substance (Phenergan included) that could impair one’s ability to practice safely. The “Phenergan defense” would not save me from the consequences of my addiction. And this represents my second outright lie of the day. A few months before, I stuck a bottle of Ketamine in my purse and took it home. It was going to be discarded anyway. We don’t “count” Ketamine. It’s not a narcotic…(you get the picture, right?).Besides, I was only going to use it to sedate my Persian cats for grooming. The Ketamine was for my cats…the Ketamine was for my cats…

9:00 AM: Will I provide a urine sample? Absolutely. Nothing illegal in my urine. I would never jeopardize my license by using illicit drugs. Again, something true on the surface that, I will soon discover, matters little the North Carolina or California Boards of Nursing.

10:00 AM: I am waiting for a ride home…am not allowed to drive. Co-workers are in and out of the break room where I wait. No one speaks to me. They don’t know what to say. I tell myself that this will all work out…that it will be cleared up. Still foggy in my brain, I scold myself for having overmedicated. I really will have to cut back on some of these meds. I am absolutely certain, however, that it was the Phenergan that has landed me here. I vow to never take Phenergan ever again. This particular denial of my addiction…that the Phenergan ( and not the fifteen or so other pills I took during the night) was the cause of my difficulties…will be the strongest and most tenacious. Letting go of it will be the most crucial step before recovery can begin.

……………………………………..

It has been nearly six years since the day described above.

I had been in a Diversion Program for more thanthree years when I wrote this essay, and it was only eight months before that that I was allowed to return to restricted practice (16 hours per week of patient care, no nights, no charge duties, no floating). I submit to random drug screens, provide proof of 12-Step meeting attendance (5 per week), have a worksite monitor, and send monthly reports to the Board. I am required to have advance permission to travel anywhere overnight. I may not take any cold remedies (No Benadryl, No Dayquil…No Nyquil. Chicken noodle soup is allowed). It is strongly suggested that I do not use alcohol based mouthwash (as well as about 200 other personal hygiene, food, and household products). The Board uses a controversial urine test (ETG) that indirectly detects the presence of alcohol. It has been proven that even the use of alcohol based hand sanitizer can result in a positive. Diversion nurses are terrified of this test. If I adhere perfectly to this program, I will be finished in about eighteen more months.

It is a demanding and, although the Board denies this, punitive program. It is sometimes arbitrary and unfair. The Board has the authority to change a participant’s sobriety date, remove them from the program, and revoke their license permanently in the event that a relapse is strongly suspected. Many nurses do not make it all the way through and never return to practice. Most of those who do not make it are resentful and refuse to be compliant. No one would contest the fact that the Diversion Program is hard. It is rigid. There are very few pats on the back, little room for individual consideration. When I wrote this, I believed I deserved every sting of the whip. Things happened in the program AFTER I wrote this which changed my mind, a 180 degree turn around.

Extensive qualitative literature is available that richly documents the lived experienced of addicted nurses. The path leading to intervention…the journey through recovery…the re-entry into practice. It is beyond the scope this brief narrative paper to cite these studies. But their results are intuitive. Nurses can be addicts. Addiction is a disease (effective treatment, no cure). Addiction in healthcare providers is especially dangerous and represents a breach in public trust.

Clearly, programs that oversee and ensure the recovery of impaired nurses could be both a benevolent and necessary practice. I wholeheartedly support the IDEA of a Diversion process. I just wonder if something can be done about addicted nurses before they have a February 11th like mine. From a practical standpoint, for the safety of patients and the well-being of nurses at risk for addiction, I believe that the goal should be more ambitious than to punish or rehabilitate.

I do not suggest that addiction, mine or anyone else’s, can truly be prevented (again, lots of literature, no space). Much of the literature dealing with preventive measures for addiction focuses on education. In fact, however, most schools of nursing are falling woefully short in educating nurses about this topic as it relates to patients, let alone as it applies to healthcare providers.



I have run out of room only 10,000 characteral allowed per post), so I will post part two in the next post