In the midst of a nightmare...

[brighteyez]

Hi all, I have been searching the internet all weekend for some support for the situation I am in (which by the way, has been hard to find as I keep running into posts by others in the posts I've read that are very negative and heartless). So a little about me and my situation: I am an LPN (for 10+ years) and have had a stellar work history. Always the go-to nurse to the other nurses I have worked with, and highly respected. On that note, I am facing felony charges as I have been investigated for narcotic theft.

So far, no charges have been filed as of yet, but they definately will be. I do have an attorney. Obviously I have some major issues, and am so very ashamed and sorry for what I have done. Addiction is a monster, and I never would've imagined myself doing any of the things I did.

I know I have an extremely long road ahead of me, and am willing to do anything I have to. It would be nice to have the support of others with any similar situations. I'm not looking to be bashed about what I did, I realize how stupid it was, and obvioulsy wish I could turn back the clock and not have gotten myself involved with any of this....trust me I can't believe all this myself. My world as I know it has definately crumbled...and I have no one to blame but myself.

[Niffsue]

Hi Brighteyez. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, but I sure can relate. I already have felony charges against me for diverting Vicodin in a fraudulent manner from my previous place of work. I am an RN with almost 10 years experience. There are so many emotions to deal with such as the shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, depression. I too wish I could turn back time and do things differently. I am so sick about what I have done, and so mad at myself. I also have problems with alcohol, which is where my narcotics problem stems from. Yes, I have severe issues too. I am going to AA on the advice of my lawyer, and I think it helps. Am also starting some individual counseling tomorrow. My next court date is March 4th. I am so fearful. Every day I live in fear. The only one who knows is my boyfriend who is as supportive as he can be. I can't believe I am putting him through this. I can't believe I've let myself get to this point. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Don't listen to those who are negative and judgemental. They haven't walked a mile in our shoes.

[brighteyez]

Thank you for your post! Reading what you wrote, I feel the same way as you do, almost WORD for WORD. So much shame and dissapointment. I am also voluntarily beginning an outpatient treatment program, to help me out. Please keep me posted as to what happens with you...I wish you the best!

[Niffsue]

Hi again Brighteyez, I am so glad there is someone out there to relate to. I know how it feels to think you are the only one in the world going through this. I try to tell myself daily that I am not a bad person. Most days, it takes a lot of convincing. I went to my first outpatient counseling session today. Wow...do I feel better!! I am glad to hear you are going as well. I can guarantee you, it will help. Of course, we didn't dig very deep today, but it just helps to know you are doing something to help yourself. It makes the situation seem a lot less hopeless. There IS hope Brighteyez!! I am also glad to hear you are being proactive in your recovery, before you possibly get tangled up with the courts and legal issues. This is what the courts will want to see, that you are taking some honest steps towards change and healing. That's what my lawyer told me. But do it for yourself too, not just the courts. I am trying to look at this whole situation as a breakthrough for me. My life will be so much better in the long run. Please keep me posted as well. Take it day by day. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[mpipeline]

Hi Brighteyez - I am a 52 yr. old male nurse (RN) that was diverting I.V. Dilaudid for nearly 2.5 years when my wife (also an RN)found out. She threw me out of the house, and I used even more. She began attending a local Naranon meeting in the metro Atlanta area, where she was referred to Talbott Recovery Campus in south Atlanta. I felt my life, my career, and my marriage was over and had nowhere to turn,e.g. my world was getting VERY small. She offered me the choice to check myself into rehab, which I gladly accepted as I was tired of lying, manipulating, running, and looking over my shoulder. I can tell you that my 90 day rehab experience was incredible. Of a pt. population of approx. 80-90 pts., 50% were medical (CRNA's anesthesiologists, RN's, any type of doc you can name). I learned about the disease of addiction, how to deal with shame and guilt, and repairing my relationship with my wife and 2 children. I entered rehab in Aug. 2009, reported myself to the GA Board of Nursing the first day, and my employer the next day. All that being said, I will pass 7 months sobriety March 15th, the same day I start a new career as an OR nurse at the same hospital in which I was diverting. Their support has been encouraging, and I can hardly believe that there is actually life after rehab. I go to weekly meetings with other impaired nurses, many who were charged with felonies. I can say that they are ALL working as nurses, but did require lawyers to navigate the rough waters for the first couple of years. I have learned that all cases are different, but one thing that is common - they (we) all went to a reputable 90 day rehab program, and are enrolled in a strict aftercare program (random urine screens, I take Naltrexone daily, counseling, process groups, NA/AA meetings, and working with my hospitals employee assistance program). I know that right now you feel that your world is gone, with not much hope. But I believe that if you do the right things as noted above, you can lead a life of recovery, peace, and resume a productive nursing career. I am VERY early in my recovery, but am so happy that I finally surrendered and exposed my "dirty little secret." I wish you the best...

[cougarnurse]

Thank you all for sharing your stories with us. I wish you all the best. You are an inspiration for those who are yet to join the site.

'Cat'

[brighteyez]

Thank you Mpipeline so much for taking the the to share your story here in support. I still have not been charged for my crime, so I wake up every day wondering if today will "be the day". Also, since I have not worked since the first week in February, I am unable to afford the very good attorney that I was working with, but qualified for a public defender who I hope will still be able to help me navigate through this legal situation. I have already heard from the nursing board in my state who have offered for me to take part in their impaired professionals program (my agreement avoids a hearing with the board). With my cooperation in this program, I can someday again practice nursing...the first year sounds like the toughest with treatment (I am going into my 3rd week), weekly urine screens, at least twice weekly AA/NA meetings (which I have already been attending on my own as a part of my treatment), etc. How wonderful that your place of employment has a program that makes it possible for you to continue to be emloyed there! That is one of my biggest concerns, that I will not be able to find a place that will be willing to work with me after I have completed the requirements as set by the board. I'm trying to stay positive...some times it's hard especially when I am not having any luck with finding a non-nursing related job right now. I thankfully have some money saved that can get me through for a while so I can focus on my treatment for now. Thanks again for sharing your story!

Also...Niffsue, how did your court date go?

[saracat66t]

I'm facing the sama thing. I'm not doing well. Everything in my life is spinning out of control and I can't seem to stop it.
cat16

[hppygr8ful]

I'm facing the sama thing. I'm not doing well. Everything in my life is spinning out of control and I can't seem to stop it.
cat16

Are you going to meetings? They help with the spinning out of control thing. I found that when I turned it all over to my higher power things got so much better (not easier just better).

Life today is good for me most of the time though with more that 6 years of sobriety there I days I still want to drink badly. The demons lurk in the background like a bad acquaintance waiting to worm back in. With the Grace and help of my higher power I fight the fight every day.

You can send me private messages here if you want.

Peace and Namaste

Hppygr8ful

[Niffsue]

Hi Brighteyez, good to hear from you. It's so strange for me to read your posts, because your situation is Sooo similar to mine. It's comforting to me to know there are others with the same problem, although I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on anyone. It's hard waiting for that call, isn't it? It's like, the longer you wait the worse it gets. It took two months for me to get a call from the police. The detective called me and wanted me to come down to the police dept. for an interview. So I did. This was a big mistake on my part, because I did so without first consulting an attorney. Oooops! It took an hour for the detective to get me to admit to what I did. I was relieved in a way to get it out in the open, but scared to death at the same time. Now my lawyer tells me to never talk to ANYONE without him present. My court date was nerve-racking as well. It was a preliminary exam that my lawyer waived because he didn't like the plea deals the prosecution offered. My next court date is April 22. I am glad to hear you are going to AA/NA. I go to AA as much as I can. I love it. I have received so much help and support there. Those meetings keep me stable. So does my church. I am also going to group therapy sessions...3 hours a day, 4 days a week. My whole life revolves around my recovery right now. Good luck to you in your job search. It's difficult. I am working part time at a group home, but not as a nurse. I only work weekends. Thankfully I have a good man in my life who supports me financially as well as emotionally. Again, I wish you the best, and I hope to hear from you again soon.