thanks for all the kind and encouraging words guys. its still a battle within my mind to lean toward what will numb the pain immediately, or to lean towards putting in the work that will (somewhat) quiet the pain in the end. i will be honest. i used a few days ago. i was in mind-numbing, out-of-body experience pain that left me vacillating between a completely flat, non-caring attitude, and one of deep, deep depression. however, ive taken some steps in the other direction as well. i found a group called SPAN (statewide peer assistance for nurses) and am joining, i will even have a sort-of sponsor with the exact same issue. i came clean to my psych MD and my therapist. I came clean to my mother. Im doing the best I can to try to get out of the quicksand.
As my posts have been really self-involved, please also note that I keep in my prayers all of my fellow nurses on here who are struggling in one way or another. We are all different but we share a deep common thread in this profession. It takes heart, resilience, and sometimes super-human patience. We were chosen for this and are here for a reason and in that we can all take solace. Know you are all in my thoughts and prayers as I ask God every day to assist me in my battle, I ask him for you as well.