I dont think I can do this

[sasto]

Not so much rough as enlightening. Met with my sponsor today and went over the letter from the board. It boils down to this...I want to be a nurse, but the decision is no longer mine because of MY ACTIONS. Nobody's fault but my own. So the right thing to do is be as honest as I can and tell them what they want to know and let them make their decision. If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be; if not, then I will accept that and continue to stay clean and sober and continue doing the next right thing. And continue believing in those promises, because they are true. If they haven't come true in my life yet, the promises aren't at fault, I am.

[NYCRN82]

thanks for all the kind and encouraging words guys. its still a battle within my mind to lean toward what will numb the pain immediately, or to lean towards putting in the work that will (somewhat) quiet the pain in the end. i will be honest. i used a few days ago. i was in mind-numbing, out-of-body experience pain that left me vacillating between a completely flat, non-caring attitude, and one of deep, deep depression. however, ive taken some steps in the other direction as well. i found a group called SPAN (statewide peer assistance for nurses) and am joining, i will even have a sort-of sponsor with the exact same issue. i came clean to my psych MD and my therapist. I came clean to my mother. Im doing the best I can to try to get out of the quicksand.
As my posts have been really self-involved, please also note that I keep in my prayers all of my fellow nurses on here who are struggling in one way or another. We are all different but we share a deep common thread in this profession. It takes heart, resilience, and sometimes super-human patience. We were chosen for this and are here for a reason and in that we can all take solace. Know you are all in my thoughts and prayers as I ask God every day to assist me in my battle, I ask him for you as well.

[hppygr8ful]

Hope you are truely hanging in - the steps you are taking are good but you really need to get into treatment. You need to detox both physically and mentally. Propofol is not a drug that requires physical detox but it does need an emotional mental detox. I suspect that like many of us did, you are using other susbstances this not an accusation just a fact of the addicts life. Psych Dr.s will give you ativan, valium Xanax not knowing how they are contributing to the problem. Very little time in med school is spent on addiction and even less time in nursing school. Get into an out patient treatment program and start attending meetings. Nurse support groups are great but you do have to get down and dirty with people who have hit their all time low.

[QUOTE=NYCRN82;137274]Im doing the best I can to try to get out of the quicksand. [/QUOTE

You may feel that you are doing your best - we all did at one time or another - but you absolutely should not be anywhere around a mind-altering substance right now. The fact that you are still using to numb your pain tells me so much. I have been exactly where you are today. I also saw the tiger lurking in the grass about a month ago and faced it down not by reaching for a chemical solution but by turning to my friends in recovery and I've been sober 7 years. The pull of our addictions never really goes away. It lurks, cunning, baffling and powerful waiting for a moment of weakness. In treatment you learn how to deal with this - what works and what doesn't

[QUOTE=NYCRN82;137274]As my posts have been really self-involved [/QUOTE

Don't worry about sounding self involved - the deffinition of active addiction is self will run riot we have all been there.
Stop trying to be super human and just focus on being human. My sponsor used to tell me not to be so hard on myself because the world was full of people waiting to kick me in the donkey's behind.

Don't ask God you to assist in your battle - instead surrender yourself to God's will. Instead of telling Him your plans be quiet and listen to His plan to you.

Hope this helps

Peace and Namaste

Hppy

Sober, mostly happy and free since October 2004

[NYCRN82]

Hey Guys,

Wanted you to know I am heading for inpatient treatment. I had a VERY CLOSE CALL with work the other day and told my doctor I need serious help. I told both my parents and they were beyond supportive and I found a good program that is familiar with this particular drug problem. I had to drop out of school and take leave from my job. I only know this is what I need to do to get well.

Good luck and lots of love and blessings to everyone, talk when I get back.

:

[hppygr8ful]

Good luck to you and keep us posted when you can!