I dont think I can do this

[NYCRN82]

I dont even know where to find the strength for all of this.
I have a very serious history of depression dating from when I hit puberty but no addiction in my family. I began using Propofol when I was on night shift to try to sleep. I cant stop now. Its been 2 years, 3 jobs, and many, many close calls with the hospitals finding out I was diverting. I still have a license, I still am working, and every minute of it is torture not to use.
Im starting an outpatient rehab soon but Ive lost hope. Ive wanted to be a CRNA since I became a nurse 6 yrs ago. Now, its like, would you put an alcoholic behind a bar? All my dreams feel like theyre shattered and I have nothing to work towards.

[hppygr8ful]

Hey NY,

Let me start by telling you that it takes courage to come here and write what you did. You are taking a courageous 1 st step toward getting help. All is not lost. You have the ability to stop this insanity and be a good nurse, but most importantly a good person free from addiction. You need to stay strong. If your problem is a bad as you say outpatient treatment may not be enough. Have you considered in-patient? I became sober in October 2004 and after 5 years of finding my way I am again a nurse in a field I love. I ultimately did not go back to my specialty area as there were to many bad associations and temptations there. Now I take each day one at a time and trudge the road of mostly happy destiny with my brothers and sisters in recovery.

Read the stories on this recovery board and more importantly find a 12 step meeting and sit and listen until you are ready to tell your story - Then tell it, own it and recover from it.

Write to me here for support

Peace and namaste

Hppy

[cougarnurse]

Welcome to the site, NYCRN! I am glad you are here, and are taking the steps necessary to help yourself.

We are all here to support you whenever you need it.

'Cat'

[NYCRN82]

BUT!?????

One of the ways that I am able to pull myself from the rubble of depression, self-loathing, and ultimately self abuse is by working towards a goal. For example I am currently taking the first round of classes for CRNA. But I abuse Propofol. So basically, Im just supposed to say "well, I cant be around diprivan so there goes my dream"? You know what that makes me want to do. Is reach for the Diprivan.
Admitting you have a problem is one thing. Admitting that when there is already a mental illness in place is another. Take away hope and motivation, and its like, why bother.

[hppygr8ful]

BUT!?????

One of the ways that I am able to pull myself from the rubble of depression, self-loathing, and ultimately self abuse is by working towards a goal. For example I am currently taking the first round of classes for CRNA. But I abuse Propofol. So basically, Im just supposed to say "well, I cant be around diprivan so there goes my dream"? You know what that makes me want to do. Is reach for the Diprivan.
Admitting you have a problem is one thing. Admitting that when there is already a mental illness in place is another. Take away hope and motivation, and its like, why bother.

That the reason being a CRNA came to you was because of your addiction? Stay with me here! The addicted mind has it's own sick logic. Ready accesibilty to your drug of choice can make you goal seem highly attractive. Like the alcoholic who thinks he or she can be around alcohol without relapsing.

There are many areas of nursing open to you. I learned early that I didn't want to be around the things that tempted me so I choose an area of nursing to specialize in that does not require I be around mind altering substances. I do psych nursing in the community.

If you need to have a goal to pull yourself together make sobriety your goal and work toward helping yourself and others. That is how we stay sober - by focusing our energy outside ourselves and on others. Only an addict who has been to the bottom can understand and speak to another addict. There is where you will find your own recovery. Then you can focus on finding your path. If it is nursing it will reveal itself. If it is something different so be it.

All will be revealed in time

Trust me.

Hppy

[NYCRN82]

No, No, you have it all wrong.
I wanted to be a CRNA for several years. I love crit. care medicine and it would be the best capacity for me regarding critical care because the only other option is ACNP and that is much less money and much less autonomy.
Another element I am leaving out is that I suffer from major depressive disorder. It is almost crippling at times. Recently, I spoke with my mother and came clean about the drugs, and she in turn told me things I had never known: how she contemplated suicide for years when I was a child, how she suffered in silence, how she still does today. I call her several times a day when I am depressed and crying and it kills her. Over these weeks when I see what that has done to her, and in light of what she went through and our clear genetic disposition for depression, I have begun to accept that I probably should not have a child. It would be horrible to inflict the pain of this illness on them, which they are predisposed to because of my condition.
I have dreamed of being a CRNA for several years, and I have been dreaming of having a child since I was one. I feel that my dreams are being ripped from me, piece by piece, and I dont want to go on. These are true, real losses that I deserve to feel, possibly mourn.
Sorry for the long, self-involved rant. I know this forum is about recovery and this is a bit off the beaten path.
Anyways, for anyone out there listening, thanks. I try to talk to family or close friends that I trust and they tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself or snap out of it.http://www.ultimatenurse.com/forum/images/smilies/yahoo/108.gif

[hppygr8ful]

No, No, you have it all wrong.
I wanted to be a CRNA for several years. I love crit. care medicine and it would be the best capacity for me regarding critical care because the only other option is ACNP and that is much less money and much less autonomy.
Another element I am leaving out is that I suffer from major depressive disorder. It is almost crippling at times. Recently, I spoke with my mother and came clean about the drugs, and she in turn told me things I had never known: how she contemplated suicide for years when I was a child, how she suffered in silence, how she still does today. I call her several times a day when I am depressed and crying and it kills her. Over these weeks when I see what that has done to her, and in light of what she went through and our clear genetic disposition for depression, I have begun to accept that I probably should not have a child. It would be horrible to inflict the pain of this illness on them, which they are predisposed to because of my condition.
I have dreamed of being a CRNA for several years, and I have been dreaming of having a child since I was one. I feel that my dreams are being ripped from me, piece by piece, and I dont want to go on. These are true, real losses that I deserve to feel, possibly mourn.
Sorry for the long, self-involved rant. I know this forum is about recovery and this is a bit off the beaten path.
Anyways, for anyone out there listening, thanks. I try to talk to family or close friends that I trust and they tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself or snap out of it.http://www.ultimatenurse.com/forum/images/smilies/yahoo/108.gif

Like you I have suffered from a major depressive disorder since early childhood, I tried to commit suicide in 2004 and it was that episode which brought me to the attention of the board of nursing and starting on the road to recovery. Giving up or sidetracking your dreams does in fact represent real loss for you. I understand that but you still have no idea how the addicted mind works. Trust me on this. There is nobody my self included more self absorbed than an actively using alcoholic or addict. Our needs and our problems are so much bigger than anyone else's. We are always the guest of honor at our own pity parties. I know because I drank and used for 20 years before I got sober. Depression is so much worse when you are using - There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The theory is that you have to be sober for at least 2 to 3 years before your brain even starts to function normally again.

You don't have to change your dream just adjust it. True CRNA's make good money but that money won't do you any good when you are dead from an overdose or in prison for drug crimes. I have lost two very good friends who were CRNAs to overdose deaths. Don't think this can't happen to you!

Talking to family and friends will avail you nothing. They don't get it and they never will. What you need is a room full of alcoholics and addicts who are or have been exactly where you are. They have made the journey through hell and have no desire go back . They will recognize your struggle, you pain and loss and give you hope. When you are in that room you will feel at home for the first time in your life.

When you starting attending meetings and working the steps you will learn about the promises of AA/NA one is that we shall not forget the past or wish to close the door on it always seeking to understand how our past experiences can help another. The other is that self seeking behavior will slip away and we will find a new peace. It all sounds very cliche' but this stuff really works.

In addition to being sober since 2004 I have been totally off anti-depressant meducation since 2009 and have never felt better. Do I still suffer from depression? Of course. That's part of my humanity. I am a wife, a mother, cub scout leader, nurse confidant and friend. I'll never be rich but I make a decent living and I am alive. None of this would be possible without my sobriety.

Have you started treatment yet? You need to get detoxed and in treatment as soon as possible. E-mail me if I can help in any way. If you e-mail me and are anywhere in my area I will find someone to come and take you to a meeting or I will come to you myself!

Peace and Namaste

Hppy

[hppygr8ful]

The AA Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.


Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84


Peace

Hppy

[sasto]

Oh indeed!!! This is sooooo true.

[hppygr8ful]

Thank's for jumping in - I know your having a rough time right now - hope you are hanging in there......