Well, I relapsed and am now kicked out of the diversion program (TPAPN). I have to take my chances in front of the state board now. I blame no one but myself. It has been the most humiliating experience of my life, thus far. And well deserved. I have been in AA for 10 years now and I can help just about everyone, except myself. For some BIZARRE reason, I have been unable to grasp how sick I really am, and therefore believe that SOMEHOW I can do this on my own, on my terms, on my time, etc etc ad nauseum. Blah. I am starting to wonder if maybe I just don't need to be a nurse anymore. No one expects an alcoholic to be a bartender, so why should I delude myself into thinking that I can be around meds? I don't think I can mentally survive another relapse. The cunning, baffling and powerful aspect of my disease is lethal. My disease tells me I DON"T HAVE A DISEASE!!! Ugh. It pains me to no end that for being as intelligent as I am, that I keep failing at recovery.
I am quite sure that I am having a wee bit of a pitty party right this moment, but I am being honest. I am SCARED to be around meds. SCARED!!! But I am scared to not be a nurse. It's my identity, you know? I don't know anything else. But I don't want to die either. Sigh. I have been going to meetings everyday, sometimes 2 or 3 a day since my relapse. I am re-doing my 4th and 5th step with my sponsor. I am doing service work for AA. And yet...and yet....I don't know how to describe the feeling...I have medicated my feelings for SOOOOO long now that I can't even identify them. ARGH!!!!....
Anyway, not going for sympathy here, just an understanding shoulder to cry on for a second. I have never failed at anything in life I have set out to do...until now, and opiates are kicking my butt. I have 48 days today. I am also working in a deli cutting meat, so as not to have an opportunity to relapse. Anyway....thanks for listening. No one knows what it is like to be an addicted nurse except another addicted nurse, and I am thankful for every one of you. You guys rock...Kris
Relapse happen's. Usually when we get complacent or overconfident. The most powerful thing I know is that those of us in recovery are all just one drink or one pill away from relapse. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you want to talk let me know - if we can get together even better -are you in SO Cal?
Hppy
No, down here in South Central Texas. Thanks for your support. Hanging out with God and praying for his will...k
Sasto,
I totally understand the fear of being around drugs again. I have recently applied for a CA license and now going through a long wait after jumping through some hoops to accomodate the BON requests. Gratefully I have maintained my nursing license in Illinois and they are unrestricted at this time. I have been clean for 10 yrs this coming Feb and I truly celebrate every day of my clean time. I have had the great opportunity to work in occupational health and safety for the past 10 yrs but with different california certifications. Unfortunately, the economy put me out of work...lol finally losing a job for something other than drug abuse..who can grasp that concept. Anyway back to my fear. I havent been around alot of drugs other than fellow workers smoking pot and have let all of my treating physicians about my history so I wont run into doctor shopping. I hope to go back to nursing in a psychiatric facility or other area where drugs aren't an issue like ICCU or ER. Even Med/Surg scares the heck out of me. I dont want the temptation or the possiblity that when a drug comes up missing the fingers are pointed at me. I have been through that one too. I applied for my Ca license in mid July and should be hearing from them within the next 4 weeks. I am at my nail biting period now. I am fortunate to be living in the Los Angeles area so jobs are more plentiful than other more remote areas and so I have my fingers crossed. Best of luck to you...hang in there. I have lived through relapse a few times myself in the last 25 years. I had 9 yrs, then had to have a major surgery and relapsed. My addicted mind was so weak then and still is when I am drifting toward complacency. Surround yourself with recovery places and persons. It is the only way I have found that helps me stay clean.
Ruthi
Sorry to hear about the relapse, sasto. Seems several of the people I knew who were recovering, also relapsed. Fortunately for them, though, it did not mean problems with their livelihood. They just picked up the pieces and started over. Maybe nursing isn't in the cards any longer, but that doesn't mean you should not try to regain your standing. Nursing or no nursing, wish you the best.
I know nothing about relapse as I am new to all of this but I do know something about being given one too many chances and then making the wrong choice. Lean on prayer to guide you through the times when questions fill your brain. I was just listening before to a song that was for some reason very resonant with me regarding everything we go through. "Fix You" by Coldplay. Its a songof faith amidst uncertainty. Ill pray for you
So tomorrow I am going to sit down and write my letter to the board. I am somewhat nervous, but I know the truth will set me free. If it is God's will that I continue to be a nurse, then so be it. If not, I will be ok. So wish me luck...k
I not only wish you luck but you are in my prayers as well
Ruthi
I am a CA RN who ran into BRN problems a few years ago and am now being investigated for a relapse. I cannot go into details and will not confirm or deny the relapse because the BRN is watching and decided to check me out after somebody told them to look at my personal blog. Just so everyone is aware, if someone googles your username, your posts to forums are linked to the search results. How the BRN ever found out that I am SyckRN, I do not know, but they did, and they have come a callin'.
I am so sorry to read about your troubles, Sasto. But the cold reality is that relapse is a part of recovery for most people. It may comfort you to know that nurses who get caught diverting or find themselves mired in substance abuse are very often the smartest and most dedicated and talented nurses. Research has demonstrated this. Please don't beat yourself up too much about it. And please, please, please...be careful what you say to the BRN. They are NOT your friend. They are here to protect the public from "nurses like us." There has been a lot of political hub ubb about how the CA BRN isn't "hard enough" on "druggie" nurses. The backlash is that they are coming down even harder in their discipline. Having gone down this road before (I completed the Diversion program in 2009), I do know from whence I speak.
I also commiserate with your fear of meds. I share it and do not trust myself to be around them at all. I am a House Supervisor now, and am not sure I will ever go back to patient care due to the exposure to temptation.
Steph R. RN, MS
so sorry for what your going through....the board can really suck sometimes---which that is quite harsh i know but this disease is doing more to our lives then i think they realize---and no i do not believe they are out for our best interest---thats why they suck!
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