Scared out of my mind

[grayson]

Well, I don't even know what to say really, but i would like to know if there are others out there in my situation. I just admitted to the state police today that i took Demerol out of the Narc area where i work. Long story short..they caught me doing it. I could have denied it, they really had no proof...but i didn't. I'm not sure if i did the right thing. I'm scared out of my mind. The truth is, i didn't take the drugs for myself, but for my boyfriend (ex now) who i really don't want to turn in because he's the father of my girls. Did I mention he has a temper. I showed the cop the bruises I had on my arm the day i didn't bring any home for him. I explained my situation and of course the cop was understanding and asked if i wanted to press charges on him. But I can't...This only happend one time and believe me, it will never happen again. I want to take my kids and move away after this mess is cleaned up here. I have to get away from this man. I just would like to know what i can expect from this point? The Police Officer told me I can expect to possibley be prosecuted, arrested and having to post bail. My boss was understanding and stated she wouldn't press charges but of course would have to report this to the Board of Nursing. I'm guessing my licence will either be suspended or taken away right. I had to do the urine test, but not worried about that coming back "unclean" because I dont use the drugs. I just got into the wrong relationship and and made some stupid choices for him. I really just want to know what will happen from this point. Will they arrest the father of my children? Maybe he deserves to be, but I kinda thought they would put this all on me and I would pay the price. Afterall, they have no proof that he did anything, it's my word against his and I will pay the price, which I deserve. I feel for addicts because I know what it's like to live with one. If anyone can give me some idea of what to expect. I really dont want to shame my parents. They are elders and they are my rock. I am afraid to tell them about this. Trust me, they live in the 50's and will NOT be understanding. I have ruined everyone's life..and i don't know what to do! Where to turn..i think i have to go vomit now.

[lance197728]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. You will find that you are not alone. The very first thing you need to do is get yourself an lawyer and don't say ANYTHING else to the police.

As far as you liscense is conserned, find out if your state has a monitoring program for impared nurses. I know you may not have a problem yourself, but the BON's usually don't care. That is the best way to save your liscense.

You will get through this. Many of us have...

[AmandaWIRN]

I would like to add that even if you don't need to seek counseling for substance abuse issues, you should still seek counseling for your co-dependency issues. Things like this tend to happen in cycles, and if you do not work on changing yourself, you might end up in a similar situation- with the same guy or another one.

I am in no way blaming you for what happened, but you need to seriously look at the issues that caused you to allow this to happen.

And yes, your ex belongs in jail- you should press charges. Even if he is the father of your children, do you really want an abusive drug addict raising your kids???

[grayson]

I would like to add that even if you don't need to seek counseling for substance abuse issues, you should still seek counseling for your co-dependency issues. Things like this tend to happen in cycles, and if you do not work on changing yourself, you might end up in a similar situation- with the same guy or another one.

I am in no way blaming you for what happened, but you need to seriously look at the issues that caused you to allow this to happen.

And yes, your ex belongs in jail- you should press charges. Even if he is the father of your children, do you really want an abusive drug addict raising your kids???

Thanks so much for the advice. I thought I would feel better today, but its just gotten worse. My problem is, I have NO money. I can't afford a lawyer and I'm not going to be able to afford to place bond if I get arrested. I now have no job, I JUST rented a house that I moved all my stuff into and haven't even spent a night there yet, now I have to figure out a way to get out of that. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and there are no jobs for nurses here. No jobs period. I really messed up and it's at a point that i don't forsee me ever being able to work nursing again. I know i'm not alone, and many nurses have fought their way back into their career. But I'm just not sure i can do all that. Maybe it's too early. Don't even know what will happen to me. But I know it won't be good. As far as the father of my children go..he can rot in jail...i hate him! I just don't know how I'll break the news to my parents. They are going to be so disappointed and ashamed. And when my name gets put in the local paper for the crime I commited (the local paper here prints the names and crimes they commited after they have been arrested)..well, I mide as well shoot myself...my moms whole family lives here and she will be so embarrassed. I am just having all sorts of regrets...But thanks so much...i really appreciate you taking the time to help...this is what i need..I need advice and I need to know i'm not alone. Thank you so much..God Bless!

[AmandaWIRN]

Your family might be the best resource for you right now- yes, you may be embarrassed, but sometimes when you think that everyone else is against you, the unconditional love of a parent is the only thing you've got to lean on.

The best thing to do right now is to worry about the things YOU can control. You can't control what the police, employers, or the Board of Nursing might do. You CAN control how you handle these situations, and you CAN work on improving yourself.

If you are near a University that has a law school, sometimes law schools will offer legal advice or counsel for those who can't afford it- I would check that out. If you are arrested, you should get a court-appointed attorney for free.

In the mean time, just worry about keeping you and your children safe, and lean on your family members who are supportive of you. You can get free help for co-dependency issues by attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings: Nar-Anon Family Groups

You can also find free codependency support meetings here: Co-dependents Anonymous

[Lynda Maier]

I know your terrified. I have almost been in the same situation. Hang in there and don't give up. You have to do what is right for you and your children. If your ex really cared about you and the kids he never would of put you in that position. It's going to be a rough road for awhile. Please talk to your parents and explain to them what happened. They probably will be disappointed but as parents ourselves we know sometimes kids disappoint but we never stop loving them. You need all the support you can get right now. I lost my job, my home, my car, friends, etc. I was in the newspaper and on the local news and I don't live in a small town. It was humiliating and embarrassing but I'm getting through it. It's been 2yrs for me and I'm still surviving and you will to. God bless you and I'll keep you in my prayers. DON'T GIVE UP, FIGHT HARD YOUR WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[beachfandan]

I was in a situation of my own making, different circumstances, in 2000-'01. I had my RN lic suspended 18 mos, the 3 yrs restricted. No criminal action. It really sucked, but I did what I was had to do & it has passed. I now have pretty much the same opportunities as before, but some people (friends, family, employers) just cannot understand how you can be swayed by addiction, codependence, foolishness, bad judgement...& figure you're a loser,...whatever. Most people know someone they care about who has gone down the wrong path an amazing distance. You should expect your parents to love you, forgive you, & help you even if they can't understand. Not all parents can do that. I hope yours can.
At times like this I have learned it is normal for our soul to need what humans often can't give. I found that when I cried in my heart for God to help me he showed up. I found that God did for me what I could not & did not deserve. Try spiritual help. I hope you find those who can advise you, support you, comfort you, help you. I suggest contacting the 12 step recovery community, through the health dept, public defender victim assistance, counselling centers, halfway houses, online. Just ask people to try to point you to assistance. People are there who can show you a way if you keep going day by day. Look inside at what mistakes you made which put you in a position to do what you did.
Be very cautious with statements you make to officials. They are not there to help you, but they may. Their job is to investigate & serve justice to protect the public. They are not on your side, & your best bet is to keep your mouth shut until you can get advice about what your obligations and options are. Do not assume you can just blurt out what you are feeling with good intentions and things will go best. You are in trouble & it is time to be smart. You have been sick in your thinking & you need to deal with that. Officials want to see that you accept responsibility and want to deal with the causes and conditions that you need to change, & can be lenient (sp?) when they see you will deal with this. I hope you can find someone who will advise you or better yet to speak for you.
You will get through this, & you will be OK. You can make family, friends, & employers trust & respect you again & you can learn to make better choices & teach your kids from your mistakes.

It really is one day at a time.

God bless & keep on writing.

Dan RN
Maryland

[hppygr8ful]

Thanks so much for the advice. I thought I would feel better today, but its just gotten worse. My problem is, I have NO money. I can't afford a lawyer and I'm not going to be able to afford to place bond if I get arrested. I now have no job, I JUST rented a house that I moved all my stuff into and haven't even spent a night there yet, now I have to figure out a way to get out of that. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and there are no jobs for nurses here. No jobs period. I really messed up and it's at a point that i don't forsee me ever being able to work nursing again. I know i'm not alone, and many nurses have fought their way back into their career. But I'm just not sure i can do all that. Maybe it's too early. Don't even know what will happen to me. But I know it won't be good. As far as the father of my children go..he can rot in jail...i hate him! I just don't know how I'll break the news to my parents. They are going to be so disappointed and ashamed. And when my name gets put in the local paper for the crime I commited (the local paper here prints the names and crimes they commited after they have been arrested)..well, I mide as well shoot myself...my moms whole family lives here and she will be so embarrassed. I am just having all sorts of regrets...But thanks so much...i really appreciate you taking the time to help...this is what i need..I need advice and I need to know i'm not alone. Thank you so much..God Bless!

If you were paying for malpractice insurance you should call them as you may have a benefit to cover a lawyer to protect your license - same if you were part of a Union - call your union rep.


Hppy

[grayson]

God Bless you! You know what makes me so angry about all this? Even though I did not take this for myself I know what it's like to be addicted to something. I'm a smoker..and maybe that does qualify here, but trust me.,.i feel i NEED my smoke to get thru things! Like THIS..And it really makes me angry that others think they are perfect and no one makes mistakes! I read an artical about a nurse who was in the similar situation as I am, and one made a commnet, "I hope they throw the book at her!" With no regard to her backround or what might have caused her to do what she did. The same goes for the BON. It's like they don't give second chances. I understand their concern for the patients safety, but how many other professionals get second chances when they make a mistake? IT's like you are guilty and you have to prove your innocense..they don't even treat mass murders that way!!! Criminals get better treatment in a court of law! I'm not sure I want to be in this career and be treated that way...but I'm just angry right now..my fear went to anger...I guess that is the way it goes...I regret a lot of things..But I thank you all so much for your advice..you have helped in so many ways you'll never know...I will tell my parents, I'll have to eventually..I will not say anything else to the police, which i regret in the first place.... I'm not sure what I will do about my license at this point. Don't know if I'll even bother trying to get it back if I lose it. I question whether it's worth it anymore. I think about how I was a DARN good nurse..and I still am. I would never put any patient in danger. I busted my butt to HELP people, and when I do one thing wrong, that didn't even involve hurting a patient or risking one get hurt, well, then that's it? Maybe it's because i'm angry at myself, it's one day at a time...but it helps to get all these replies...I know I have to get out of this town and away from the one who caused all of this to happen in the first place. Does anyone know what happens if you apply for another license? I used to have a license in another state that i let expire..I was going to reapply for it tomorrow and hope that I got it before all this happens to the one I have now. I know eventually they would look up if I were licensed in any other state to inform them, but how long would that take? Or would it happen at all? OR would the other state do anything about it?..I'm not sure I want to continue in nursing..but i need to work while I go back to school...and i need to hold a good enough job to support myself and my boys...

I know your terrified. I have almost been in the same situation. Hang in there and don't give up. You have to do what is right for you and your children. If your ex really cared about you and the kids he never would of put you in that position. It's going to be a rough road for awhile. Please talk to your parents and explain to them what happened. They probably will be disappointed but as parents ourselves we know sometimes kids disappoint but we never stop loving them. You need all the support you can get right now. I lost my job, my home, my car, friends, etc. I was in the newspaper and on the local news and I don't live in a small town. It was humiliating and embarrassing but I'm getting through it. It's been 2yrs for me and I'm still surviving and you will to. God bless you and I'll keep you in my prayers. DON'T GIVE UP, FIGHT HARD YOUR WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[grayson]

Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone! I really need that at this time! My fear went to anger, and who knows what's next, I stated in another letter that i'm not sure I want to be part of a career where mass murders get better treatment in a court of law then a good nurse gets infront of the BON. Like they are all perfect and have never make mistakes...I'm just not sure I want to be a part of that anymore..it almost makes me ashamed to admit i'm a nurse in a way...maybe it's because i'm angry right now..at myself, at everything...I hope I can find someone to legally help me..but i'm so broke i can't even afford to eat! I have no money saved, I am in debt so high my credit sucks...I have no family to borrow money from..no friends...it's just me and my boys and my parents..and my parents are struggling financially as well...there is just no way i could even afford to post my bond if i do get arrested...so there ya go..i'll keep you posted...thanks again...thanks so much!

I was in a situation of my own making, different circumstances, in 2000-'01. I had my RN lic suspended 18 mos, the 3 yrs restricted. No criminal action. It really sucked, but I did what I was had to do & it has passed. I now have pretty much the same opportunities as before, but some people (friends, family, employers) just cannot understand how you can be swayed by addiction, codependence, foolishness, bad judgement...& figure you're a loser,...whatever. Most people know someone they care about who has gone down the wrong path an amazing distance. You should expect your parents to love you, forgive you, & help you even if they can't understand. Not all parents can do that. I hope yours can.
At times like this I have learned it is normal for our soul to need what humans often can't give. I found that when I cried in my heart for God to help me he showed up. I found that God did for me what I could not & did not deserve. Try spiritual help. I hope you find those who can advise you, support you, comfort you, help you. I suggest contacting the 12 step recovery community, through the health dept, public defender victim assistance, counselling centers, halfway houses, online. Just ask people to try to point you to assistance. People are there who can show you a way if you keep going day by day. Look inside at what mistakes you made which put you in a position to do what you did.
Be very cautious with statements you make to officials. They are not there to help you, but they may. Their job is to investigate & serve justice to protect the public. They are not on your side, & your best bet is to keep your mouth shut until you can get advice about what your obligations and options are. Do not assume you can just blurt out what you are feeling with good intentions and things will go best. You are in trouble & it is time to be smart. You have been sick in your thinking & you need to deal with that. Officials want to see that you accept responsibility and want to deal with the causes and conditions that you need to change, & can be lenient (sp?) when they see you will deal with this. I hope you can find someone who will advise you or better yet to speak for you.
You will get through this, & you will be OK. You can make family, friends, & employers trust & respect you again & you can learn to make better choices & teach your kids from your mistakes.

It really is one day at a time.

God bless & keep on writing.

Dan RN
Maryland