Been on vacation for the last 13 days so I haven't read any posts - imagine going to a place with no tv, no computer and no cel phone reception. Nothing to do but watch the wildlife, eat great food, and nap and sleep in a tent cabin with a king size feather bed. After I de-toxed from the electronics we all had a blast. I still find it hard to believe how grand and wonderful life is for me today. Coming up on 4 years clean and sober in September and hopefully "God Willing" out of diversion in October. My husband did have a few beers but that's ok too since he's not an alcoholic. But we sat and ate and laughed and sang with people who drank and some who didn't no big deal as long as I keep my spiritual house clean. Plus how often do you get up close and personal with a cheetah or a brand new baby Giraffe.
Well just an update
luv ya mean it
Hppy
WOW! That sounds like such a great adventure! Did you go to Africa? I cannot imagine a place without electronics these days! I would love it; but I didn't think there was anywhere left on Earth without cell phone reception!
And you didn't mind having people around you having a drink or two? It sounds like you've traveled a long road to get to this point of sobriety. Life is a journey and it sounds like you've gotten over a rocky spot in your road. I hope you continue to improve each day.
no didn't go to Afric but sort of the next best thing - A privately owned wildlife preserve in Northern California called Safarie west. As to being around other people who drink - It really has never bothered me even in early recovery. I was blessed with a series of experiences, revelations and God Shot's in early recovery and quiet magically it seems the craving to drink and use was literally lifted from my mind and heart almost from day one in treatment. I am truely forntuate in so many ways - but sticking to the idea that the only person I could change was me and trying to change others is basically like trying to teach a pig to sing - It can't be done and you only annoy the pig. Some of what I learned i already knew in my heart and recovery is the song I sing each day. I work daily with addicts and alcoholics as well which keeps a lot of things in perspective.
Well I ramble on....
Peace and Namaste
Hppy
Jen, try a bit North of you, in an area called Grand Marais. Trying to get cell phones operating in areas up there is like putting a harnass on moose: next to impossible. It is quiet, though.
Unfortunately, that seems to depend on they type of phone service one has, cougar. There are a lot of vacationing canoeists and hikers that get lost and are found because of their cell phone signals. --Well, it's good that the lost are found; it's just not so good that they can stay in touch with the world while having a backwoods experience!Originally Posted by cougarnurse
And I would hate to tell you how many times in the past a camping trip has been ruined by the electronic hand-held games or the portable devices others have with them. :26:
Hppygr8ful; I'm really glad that you are finding such peace and joy in recovery. I don't know your story or how you started drinking; but it sounds like you have made it through to a better life on this side. Congratulations!
My Story
Here's my story - Lengthy I know. I actually wrote this to my state board when being comsidered for transition. Sob Date: 9/28/04
So much has happened in the last two and half years that I hardly know how to begin. I do want to thank the Board of nursing for the opportunity to preserve my license while learning how to live sober. I am asking to be considered for the transition phase of the diversion program. I would like to share how this experience has profoundly changed my life by telling you what I was like, what happened and what I am like now
Prior to this period of my life I had been drinking and abusing over the counter substances for close to 20 years. There are lots of reasons, rationalizations and excuses I could give for my behavior over the years but ultimately the choice to drink and use was mine and mine alone. Taking ownership and becoming accountable for all that occurred has been a difficult but rewarding task.
Through the years that I was in my disease I always managed to somehow hold it together and fly under the radar. It was not until I was faced with the stresses of combining motherhood, a career in nursing and a difficult and failing marriage that I truly started to spiral downward.
I got married the same week I started nursing school and became pregnant shortly thereafter. During this time my mother-in-law who lived with us died of brain cancer. I did not drink while I was pregnant which was the longest period of my adult life that I did not drink. After our son was born and I started working I quickly went back to old habits of drinking after work and on weekends. I was a daily black-out drinker. More often than not I went to work with a hang-over and by the time I was off duty I was shaky, angry and miserable until I could get home and have a drink. I worked nights and slept during the day which left little time to a fully present wife and mother. I was a paranoid wreck at work so sure that I would make some mistake and hurt someone. My husband and I fought constantly. Our son who was two at the time would scream at us to shut up!
My answer to all this was to pour another drink. No matter how hard I tried I could not stop drinking for more than a few days at a time. I had bottles of liquor hidden all over the house. When I wasn’t at work or asleep I always had a drink in my hand. I was restless, irritable and discontented. I truly was in that spiral of obsession where one drink was always too many and a thousand was never enough. Towards the end I truly wanted to die. I was nearing the end of a two year contract at work when I told my husband that I needed help and wanted to take a leave of absence to get treatment. Thoroughly disgusted with me he told me we couldn’t afford it and that I should just stop drinking. That was all there was to it in his black and white world. I became so depressed and hopeless that one day I came home from work took a handful of benedryl and ambian and chased it down with a fifth of vodka. In retrospect I should have died that day. My husband came home at lunch time, something he never does, found me unconscious on the floor, and took me to the nearest ER which just happened to be the hospital where I worked. When I woke up I asked the doctor why God just didn’t let me die. He gave me a smile and said, “God isn’t through with you yet.” He was my first experience with the community of Alcoholics Anonymous. He quietly told me about his life, meetings and sponsorship. At the lowest point in my life I heard a non-judgmental message of hope and a promise of a life I couldn’t even imagine.
That was September 28, 2004. I entered detox and then an intensive outpatient program, which is what my insurance covered, in October 2004. I formerly entered the diversion program in January of 2005. In the time since I have maintained a clean and sober lifestyle. I began to learn that my addiction was disease that needed to be treated and like any chronic illness the course of that disease was based on how I chose to manage it. I learned that I have to be ever mindful of my character flaws and triggers that set off the chain that leads to picking up the first drink. The triggers I have identified are loneliness anger and fear. As long as I could remember I felt somehow less than and apart from my peers. I drank to put that unease at rest not realizing that I was only anesthetizing myself. Today I know that when I feel lonely or fearful I become angry and anger is state I dare not sink into. Through the grace of my higher power and the fellowship of AA and my peers I continue to work a program of recovery that includes attendance and service commitments at 4-5 12 step meetings a week. I have regular phone and personal contact with my sponsor and work the steps in my daily affairs. In addition I see a psychiatrist and therapist who work with me to resolve those historical issues that bring on depression.
When I was allowed to return to work I took a job at the same mental health facility where I had gone through treatment. My worksite monitor has been a wonderful mentor and friend. I also have regular contact with many people in the field of recovery as well many of our patients who suffer from addictions. I talk to my patients freely about my sobriety and share my experience, strength and hope. I have seen several people find sobriety and I have been there to help pick up the pieces for those who relapse and return.
Before this experience I always looked at myself as a victim, I never took responsibility for anything that happened to me. Even in grade school if I got a bad grade it was because “The teacher didn’t like me”. I believed that the financial problems after my first marriage were the fault of my ex. I drank because “Nobody understood me”. I was completely unwilling to take any responsibility for my actions or their results. I thought that I was somehow better than those others who drank because “I Never drank on the job.” In rehab and by working the steps I discovered that in order to be at peace with myself I had to take complete accountability for my actions and circumstances. When I read the Big Book I learned more about myself than I really wanted to know but I slowly started to pull the pieces of a life together. I become aware of the flaws in my thinking and behavior that result in relapse behaviors.
During this past two years my relationships have improved not just with my husband but with my family as well. I had fallen into a sort of ambivalent estrangement with my parents. This has allowed me to be present and make amends. My father is currently in End Stage bone cancer and I have been able to be present to help him and my mother and make peace before he passes away. This is something for which I am truly thankful. Because of this program my father with not have to die knowing that I am still drinking myself to death. My most important discovery has been that while I am a wife, mother, daughter, and a nurse I am also an Alcoholic incapable of being any of those things when I drink. I know I may never drink safely again. This I have come to accept and in that acceptance I have found serenity. My marriage, once on the verge of divorce is improving daily. Our son is happy and well adjusted. I have a job that I love with co-workers I admire and respect. I have learned that I don’t have to be perfect and it’s ok to say no and rely on others to help when the load gets heavy or the going difficult. I can honestly say that my worst day sober is 100% better than my best day drunk. But this realization meant that I had to learn to live a balanced life (something I not been successful at previously) under the guidance of my Higher Power. Life is a continuing journey for me and as a college professor once told me it’s not the journey that makes you but what you learn about yourself along the way. I will always keep learning as long as I stay in contact with my higher power and work my program. Today I get to go to sleep at night not because I’ve passed out but because I’m tired and in the morning I get to wake up instead of coming to.
With the help of my sponsor I have developed the following relapse prevention plan. I am to continue with a meeting schedule of no less than three meetings a week. I am currently secretary at my home group and plan to continue to be of service to that group. I am cake lady at my women’s group and also provide homemade cakes for other groups on request. With the advice of my sponsor I am currently co-sponsoring a newcomer. I continue to work the maintenance steps 10, 11 and 12 on a daily basis. All treatment providers from my regular doctor to dentist and even my pharmacist know up front that I am an addict in recovery. I have asked them and they have agreed that I should never be offered narcotic or anxiety medication unless all other options have been tried and discussed. Should medication of this type become necessary I am never to be provided with more that a weeks supply. My sponsor and I have an agreement that during such times I am to call her daily. My husband will hold the medications and not give me any more than the recommended amount. I have also learned how to identify my triggers and earliest signs of relapse behavior so that I never allow myself to get too lonely, angry or fearful. 12 steps meetings and working my program in all my affairs will continue to be a part of my daily life. Maintaining a close spiritual relationship with my Higher Power and being ever mindful that no person place or thing can make me feel lonely, angry or fearful unless I allow it has been a part of my daily reflections and prayers and this I plan to continue.
This experience has allowed me the privilege of a balanced and happy life. I am grateful for each day that God gives me and have honest hope of many more to come.
Hppy
Wow, thanks for sharing your powerful story!
I was a member of Al Anon the first time about 10 years ago when my son was messed up with pot. I had tried Narc Anon, but I just couldn't relate to that back then. Last summer my one brother lived with us for 3 months while he did the "90 meetings in 90 days" in AA. He'd gone through DTs and nearly died; I offered him the chance to live with us and do the AA meetings. I started attending the Al-Anon meetings rather than wait outside in the car for him; and I have now earned my 1 year medallion. I continue to read "Courage to Change" daily meditations; but I'm just attending a meeting every other week now. It keeps e grounded.
My son has been clean and dry for at least 6 or 7 years now, he's earned an AA in computer programming and loves his job in the video gaming industry.
My brother is back in treatment again; he was drinking by December again. He quit working his program and (later) admitted to me that he did. HE is the one who needs to change, no one else can make those changes for him. Maybe this time around it will work. I really hope so. I pray for him each day that he will find peace and better health in sobriety.
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