Greetings fellow nurses. I am is such big trouble I cant believe what I got myself into. I have been addicted to pills for at least 3 years. I went on disability 6 months ago, went inpatient for detox and did an CDIOP program. I never embraced the 12 step program. I believed that all I needed to do was detox and this addiction would go away. For goodness sakes, I have been an RN for well over 20 years and only just became addicted. We all know how addicting these medications can be so since I never exhibited addictive behavior in my life, I was sure this was simple an anomaly and once clean I would be fine...WRONG! I relapsed withing 1 month of completing my CDIOP and my addiction came back worse than ever before. I was taking over 20 norco 10/325 and 6 oxycodone 10mg daily! While working! Seeming to function well. I had severe difficulty in a relationship and sunk into deep depression. I started diverting Dilaudid every shift I worked, using between 4 and 6mg IVP while at work while still being fully functional. I detoxed off the pills using Suboxone about 2 months ago but when I came to work I couldn't keep my hands off the Dilaudid. I would take Suboxone on my days off then the day before I started my shift I would stop the Suboxone so I could get the full benefit of the Dilaudid at work. This seemed to work for a while but my work performance started to slip and I started getting sloppy with my diversion. At Christmas I had an emotional breakdown over a relationship issue. Another nurse and I diverted a huge sharps container and I took the entire content home. That night I came close to killing myself by overdosing. My girlfriend woke me the next morning informing me I was scheduled to be at work at 7amd but it was already 8:00. Somehow I managed to take a shower and get to work. I was in a total blackout since I used large amounts of benzos the night before, a drug I never took on a regular basis. Sometime at about 1:00pm I was pulled out of a patients room by the lead nurse and asked to submit a blood and urine test. I complied and went home after surrendering my badge. I was told I was on administrative leave pending an investigation. Within 2 days I checked back into rehab and called the BRN and self reported for diversion. I enrolled in a new CDIOP and have been attending NA meetings daily. I am taking medications for my depression. I filed for disability and contacted my union rep. At this point I have not heard back from the hospital. The BRN has not interviewed me for diversion yet. That will happen Monday I think. I am so scared. I almost died from this disease, now I'm looking at losing everything. I am totally committed to recovery this time. I have been humbled by this disease in ways only another addict can understand. I need help from any of you who could offer suggestions for me at this point. I know I need to stay in the program. I know I cant work around narcotics again. What should I tell the BRN? How much should I disclose? Should I wait till the hospital finishes its investigation? What can I expect in terms of working again? I know I have many skills that would be valuable to a hospital. I could work on an IV team or in the OR. I could work with outpatients. Many jobs are available that don't involve administration or access to narcotics. What is my future at this point?