New here

[Kensdollbaby]

Hi All! I am thankful for a site such as this to share my story and read the stories of others who can relate to my feelings and ideas as I deal with the ongoing process of recovery day by day. I am going to tell you my story so you can get to know me. I believe that no matter what our stories, no matter how different they are in words, we can all find the same connection in the meaning behind it. The desperation, embarassment, defeat, shame, guilt and all the other ugly things that addiction brings out in people. We can also relate to the feelings of triumph and peace we feel after a spirtual awakening or after something good in our life takes hold. I look forward to sharing those experiences. This is my story:
I have been a nurse since 2004. I have worked on the cardiac intensive care unit that entire time. I always knew I would be something in the health care field. When I was 5 I wanted to be a doctor. Growing up I was raised by my grandparents. My grandfather was a alcoholic and extremely verbally and mentally abusive to me and my grandmother and she also got some physical abuse too (that I was spared, thank god, although the verbal attacks have left their scars make no mistakes about that). I got married, had two beautiful baby boys who are now 3 and 5. January 2002 my grandmother suddenly passed away and I was left with my abuser suffering more abuse than ever. I was brainwashed and trapped. In mid 2006 he also passed away and I was finally free, or so I thought. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to act. I was finally allowed to feel feelings, and do things how I wanted to do them. The emotional pain I was going through was unbearable. One day while cleaning out the medication cabinet from when my grandfather was ill with cancer I found all his left over vicodin. Bottles of it, since he didn't like the way it made him feel, they had switched him to something else, but kept filling the vicodin too, but he never took it. So I did. I never felt so good in my life. So euphoric. Like I loved everyone and everyone loved me. From that moment on I was hooked. I had several surgeries that I probably would not have had if I didn't want the pain meds and the anestesia, I started stealing Vics from work. And eventually got caught. That was almost 8 months ago. I went to rehab (I had gone 2 time's before for suicidal ideation), but this time was for substance abuse. I got involved with HPRP and NA. I spent 14 days there and came home to my husband and kids, lonely, scared, depressed, embarrassed,etc... I was started on suboxone too. So here I am..On Novermber 14th I will have 8 months clean and sober. Weaned off the suboxone, I also just got a new job at the same hospital I resigned from when I diverted, doing case management (no med passing or patient care!), and of course working recovery day by day. I hope to find the support I am looking for on here as I go back to work, it's pretty scary! I will give my support to you all as well! Thanks for listening!
Mitch~

[whome3]

Mitch,

Welcome and more importantly. congrats on your recovery and for your ability to realize that you are a person who is an addict and that you can escape the hell addiction by seeking new ways to cope and ultimately learn how to live life in a much healthier and happier way.

It is a difficult journey to uncover all the pain and fears that lead one to seeking ways to escape and use, but believe me, it is so worth it to face the fears and conquer them.

I am happy that your employer is open minded and williing to rehire you and even happier to see that it is in a position that lacks easy drug access,and will give you the better chance for succeeding in recovery.